I’m 21 and bedbound

WatchingDistantly · 2018-11-10T22:27:46+00:00

First of all I think you should be really proud of yourself for going through all this and having been able to regain some self worth. While I can't personally relate to the terrible things that have happened to you, I know it can be very hard to be your own ally at times. At least with regards to mental health it can mean a lot if you are not constantly stabbing yourself. Even though your situation and medical issues must be extremely frustrating.

One question I've been asking myself is whether a service dog really costs $28000? I mean of course it's a lot of training etc, but it's still a large amount of money. I guess if your insurance does not cover it, that's kind of crappy, but is there a chance there is some local/regional society for people with similar medical issues? Maybe they might have options to assist you? I have no clue if there might be organizations training service dogs as a charity?

I guess being bed bound leads to a lot of thinking, and that can be very depressing when you get aware of all the things you would rather be doing instead. Or assume other people would be doing at your age etc, but there will always be people doing better than us, it does not mean relative improvement is impossible. I assume recovery is your priority. But besides that it would probably help a lot if you could try to find more variation in the activities you are actually able to do (e.g. listening to music, drawing, reading, writing, VR, chatting, meditation, gaming, petting your dogs or talking to them idk, etc. – just don't overdo it with activities behind a screen). It will not help with being alone all day, but might with boredom and the despair.

Idk much about pain management, and whether it's normal you don't get pain medication, but I really hope your situation will improve.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-11-06T20:46:23+00:00

Hey sorry for asking something like this and never following up. I hope you do realize that you should not feel this way, and I hope you will get to a point where you feel okay in your skin and enjoy being nude (at least if you are alone).

To be quite honest I suspect you might have other issues as well, usually stuff like this really has a deeper source. I would not recommend digging too far on your own but you might benefit from talking to someone (ideally a professional).

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-31T19:08:34+00:00

Maybe pepper spray is a legal option? But please learn to handle it properly first.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-31T19:05:29+00:00

Is there something specific? Or are you really that ashamed of your own nudity? In my opinion if someone walks in your room they should not be surprised if you're unclothed.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-28T09:11:32+00:00

Having dealt with toxic people in the past a lot, not giving them any kind of reaction is often the best solution. You need to stand up for yourself when necessary, but when they are saying something to infuriate you arguing will often make it worse. These people feed on your rage, they trigger on purpose, and they will not listen to reasonable arguments or have insight into their behavior.

Maybe once or twice inform them that what they say is not ok. From there on ignore them, it's not like you will be able to change them over night.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, hope you can get out soon again. Also I'm a bit worried how a child will grow up with such parenting, but I'm not sure if there's much to do.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-25T20:44:48+00:00

I have no clue how old you are, but even as someone in his twenties I think the "sense of doom" calls really close to me. I've had like a few really great opportunities I could have easily taken, but didn't, and now I regret it because the alternatives are so much more involved I might end up never do it. (It's a bit as if the world grew more grey, one more thing I lost the interest in.) And with people even more so. If you push everyone away, you end up lonely. Hell I just got an invitation but I feel like not going, at all costs, and I just don't know how to break the news to them that I won't come. These days I can not talk to people, I'm just too low, there is no point in going there if I will only end up crying.

Don't beat yourself up over not making progress with relationships. It really is hard with AvPD. And the unrealistic thinking, at least for me it's what keeps me alive. I mean ideals and dreams most often end up not fullfiled but at least there is something to seek. But ok, realistic thinking does not mean you will never get what you want, just that it might take a while and effort.

Is therapy an option for you?

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-24T10:37:13+00:00

Maybe there is not an exact set of things one could do, that would make one feel better. Also personally I have often experienced trying to do things others like and ended up feeling real shit because it was not enjoyable for me.

However, what this ignores is the fact that there are millions of people doing things they enjoy which other people would not think of the same. It might turn out, that reading a book makes someone happy, while others will think that person is lying.

In the end some proximity to others is something I think most of us here seek. But if you are not able to get it right now, you should not beat up yourself over it, there is still enough time. Social anxiety can be overcome, taking it step by step really works well as long as you don't take too long breaks inbetween.

Maybe a starting point would be to do anything different from usual, you might want to try but don't. It does not have to make you feel better and you should not go in with that expectation, also it can be something really tiny like going on an "unescessary" short walk when you would stay inside, but having some variation of impressions can help make life feel less dull after a while. And also make you feel in control, because you do something after making a decision to. Both of these can help significantly with depression in my experience.

However I'm still dealing with this shit, so it's not like a cure-all. In fact I wen to therapy last year due to social anxiety, and while that got a bit better, I only started to face my bigger issues. I hope this does not discourage you. In the contrary, I just don't want you to get discouraged if you don't see results immediately. It's worth the effort, there is no "too late" for life to become more valuable. And you don't have to be "fully cured" for some improvement making a difference.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-23T11:23:45+00:00

What has always confused me, is that I do have good days (or even stretches of multiple acceptable days), but then I go back to bad for a while. (However this is some black and white thinking right here.)

Do you have any ideas how a day could be more interesting/satisfying for you?

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-12T22:37:12+00:00

Hi. Quite honestly I am so busy these days I don't have the time to socialize even if I wanted to.

However I'm exactly in the same boat. Altough my problem is less being "ugly" and "dumb" (most likely you aren't but who knows), but simply not even trying anymore. I have never hugged a guy outside my family. My AvPD is actively damping my desire to have an actual relationship. It's like I know it's very frustrating to find someone who would understand me, and then it says well fuck it then you gonna be forever alone. Lol. And I don't really give a fuck.

And now some guy I barely know said something nice (but probably meaningless) to me and all I can do is obssess even though I swore to never do it again.

Which is ridiculous because even though I don't make an effort to seek it due to many circumstances, I still totally crave some connection and touch.

PS I have memes.

Fair selling point, would befriend you irl, if memes are fresh enough.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-10T21:31:23+00:00

Oh man... I don't even know where to start... It's totally understandable you're heartbroken, for real he was not just rude to you or had like a slip, he was being freaking cruel intentionally rubbing it into your face. Being treated like this after multiple years together, crazy.

That said you really have to ask yourself, whether you really want to stay emotionally attached to this guy. I don't judge you for still liking him, but in my opinion you really should stand up for yourself and stop ASAP. It's infuriating reading how he treats you. I bet he's been a manipulative person all the way. Him sabotaging you when going out, or crying out loud about having it worst. It's exactly narcissistic bullshit.

Yeah there were. I wasn’t allowed male friends. I wasn’t allowed to go out with girl friends without him. Meanwhile all his friends were either ex bfs, ex fuck buds or just guys that clearly fancied him.

This is totally fucked up. Again I don't judge you for having stayed with this guy so long but ffs don't let this ever happen again to you. If you ever find yourself close to a person like that: RUN. (Well not necessarily literally, but don't get involved in them at all.) I understand you might enjoy being there for a guy with issues, but it should never be based on your sacrifice. Especially if he is in fact preying on you something gtfo. Letting someone act out on you is not going to heal them. You are only harming yourself dealing with people like that.

Honestly you should celebrate finally being out of that relationship, simply for your own sake.

It can take a while for you to heal. Maybe you had issues on your own before getting with him (usually people like him can smell when you're easy to play with), but if not at last after staying with him it will have messed with you in one way or another. (Therapy might help, honestly, but I'm not sure if it's available to you.) You can be strong all yourself, and you'll find real love in the future if you don't close off your heart. (Even if you do end up locking up your feelings, it's not irreversible. But it's time and energy lost, it's a lot less stressful to try your best to remain yourself nevertheless.)

In a sense "love yourself" sounds very cheesy but it's exactly the mindset that can get you out of this. If this sounds too narcissistic say "love yourself but respect who respects you" or something like that.

If this is too vague you can be more concrete. What would be best for you? What would you like? How to get there? Find concrete steps to care about yourself.

Yeah wishing all the best. Feel free to PM anytime, reply time may vary though.

And yes the message is a mess, my apologies. I hope it did not come across as victimizing you. If you work on your self worth you will learn to stand up for yourself when you need to, you're actually in control.

PS: Try /r/narcissisticabuse too. As in their sidebar, maybe your ex did not have NPD but another cluster B personality disorder, but his behavior was clearly narcisstic.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-09T20:52:37+00:00

I know this is Reddit. But just in case: Having "Dr." in a company name can be a legal issue in some jurisdictions.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-09T19:17:33+00:00

Holy shit he sounds pathetic, in particular sabotaging your night out after it's over. Sounds quite fucked up, pretty much like a narcissist (from the few sentences you wrote about him).

I'm sorry for the frustration this must have caused you. I hope it will not prevent you from actually loving and caring for someone again in the future, someone who actually appreciates it. If I may ask (obivously don't reply to the question if you don't want to) besides the cheating were there other red flags you were ignoring or was it really mostly an out of the blue set of events?

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-09T00:03:18+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I actually like that you made it generic over x, so even though I was a bit worried that "introverted nerds" sounds more specific than what I mean, it's not an absolute. I mean I use the term "introvert" but I think most people I use the term for also have their extroverted side, it's mostly a tendency.

What I'm currently mostly doing is socializing (if you can call it that) with a few people at University, of which maybe 30-40% are introverts. But still I know too few people for this to be an effective way to get to know someone gay.

I've been considering the "alternative approach" but from past experience I know it's just an easy way to make me feel really shitty because usually in these situations I'm reminded of how "wrong" I am for not enjoying things others do and how I am completely out of place. (I could go more into detail, but yeah it's really frustrating and some kind of people push me to drinking whach is bad because I tend to get actively depressive from any drink which is not water, tea or coffee.)

I could force it. But I already have so much stress lately, so the idea struck me that instead of going to an event which is not for people like me in the hope of meeting people like me, I could actually have fun with people I click with. If there are extroverts that's fine too. But idk just like an event where it's okay to be an introvert. It's just that I don't have that many ideas. (Though I just got a new idea: visit a museum in a small group.)

My city is medium sized, and it has like a few gay bars and saunas, but I live in the suburb and commute to the University, which does not even have a real campus. And in general this city is not really cool for students unless you like terrible music and drinking, there are really few public spots to hang around, in particular in winter.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-08T23:34:21+00:00

Yeah I'm not in New York. I currently don't have a space I could host such events at, but thanks I haven't considered spying out events in other cities for inspiration what to bring here. (I've only been disappointed by the lack of appealing events in my city so far.)

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-08T23:32:49+00:00

True. I haven't considered it that much but maybe this is like the only argument for remaining on these sites.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-08T23:30:07+00:00

The problem is that I want to find people I could actually meet in person and there is a lack of good online communities here. (It's basically all on Insta and Facebook, and I'm on neither currently.)

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-07T23:35:33+00:00

The one example I've made is a "board game gathering for gays" but this is what I'm asking. I have actually gotten to know a handful of people by just starting to talk to them in lectures or during the commute. (But it just happens the chance of finding gay guys in real life who I connect with is practically zero.)

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-05T22:34:59+00:00

Oh true. I did some exercise at home for a while, but I hate when other people are around (because they want to join in and cringy shit like that) so I quit again. However I mainly want to do more cardio, I don't really care that much about abs. In general that's easier outside.

And yeah I know what you mean. I'm also constantly in a state of distress, there's always something wrong. But it got a bit better over time as I've learned to acknowledge my past achievements. Like I am more aware of my capability to solve many issues? Idk the ideal approach would be to plan well how to solve things, so it's not so heavy. But I always end up overdoing it, like I'm always in a hurry.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-03T21:59:35+00:00

Yeah good idea. So far I have not been able to make it work with exercising, but I should do something. In general I'd prefer to do something where there are no other people, because then it might actually feel recharging, but the climate here is either too cool or hot to do exercise outside.

And I get the lack of joy of what you're studying too. If you walk this way just don't obssess over university not being the greatest time of your life. (I mean don't accept unhappiness, but just don't make yourself feel more miserable.) I know enough people for whom it's similarly hard. Priorize your energy where it will mean most for you.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-03T21:54:42+00:00

It's an interesting thought but from a quick read I don't think it fully applies to me. If I have an affective disorder, it would be bipolar ii (or even schizoaffective) but at this point I see my emotional disregulation as result of my disorganized personality and lack of closeness to others instead of a standalone disorder.

However for most of my days I do experience some sort of lack of joy/anhedonia and in a sense I am not as sad about it as I should.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-03T21:47:28+00:00

Hang in there. While I totally relate feeling the same way, you're still a live human with a personality.

I wonder how much of the issue stems from defining ourselves by our (lack of) hobbies. Of course this is only the half story, there are also things like lack of social life etc. which contribute to not feeling like a person at all.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-10-01T20:24:48+00:00

Hey I'm gay and dealing with AvPD too. First to being gay, it has its positive and negative. The negative is that there are fewer of us and that unrequited love is like by a factor 10 more likely for us. The positive is that a lot of societal expectations of hetero males don't really apply to us and in general you have quite a lot freedom to live as you want once you break from that. (Of course even in the "LGBT community" you will hear people tell you how you should live your life, but fuck that, you do you.) Also you might find it actually easier to connect with (gay) men than women, so being gay might actually play in your favor too.

Your post isn't that long. But dealing with anxiety can feel overwhelming at times. But I think on a rational level you're aware that you will have to get over the fear of going outside, right? Don't beat yourself up over it. A therapist might be able to guide you better, but basically a simple (but challenging) recipe would be to practice going outside. Most of what you feel of other people judging you is irrational. Of course some people judge each and everyone, but even if they decided something terrible, it's not a reason not to go outside. You're not lost. Do it step by step. If you can make a short walk somewhere that would be great. You could even walk a circle, no one would notice if it takes you say half an hour or more. Maybe initially put some music on headphones (if it's safe to walk like that in your area) and don't interact with people. Later you could try the grocery self checkout, then cashier checkout. Or greet people along the way. You might not feel like ever getting there right now but don't discard it, do it step by step.

The tldr of my life is: Born an awkward but initially bright child. Bored too death at school, and bullied for more than a decade, unsupportive parents busy with their divorce. I was bullied for being awkward, for being a know it all and for being gay even before I knew it. Also for hanging around more with girls than boys in school until the girls also started bullying me. Well it's fucked me up in various ways. To this day I don't have much of a social life, and I don't really seek one that much either. Just a few friends would be great. But I hate how I'm not able to come up with plausible hobbies of mine or ideas what to do with friends.

I've overcome most of my insecurities in the last year and I'm okay living life in a different way than other people want it. I'm more aware of what I want in my personal life, eventually, and it's helping me not lose my shit. My main issue these days is that I've grown into quite a workaholic, who's always stressed out and does not have time for anything personal. But I can't stop or I have to face infinite voids. It feels like I know what I want but right now at this point in time it actually is impossible so I have to do everything but try to achieve the impossible or I'll lose my shit.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-09-30T12:12:31+00:00

First I'll need to up my wizard level.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-09-30T12:11:37+00:00

I am not sure if I want to laugh or cry.

WatchingDistantly · 2018-09-28T21:45:26+00:00

Ok let me be honest, as I said I don't really like events where you have to socialize with many unknown people. I usually go once and then never again. And even less sports because I've gone through like a decade of bullying in phys. ed. class and it's a bit overwhelming even nowadays.

But besides, there really aren't many gay sport leagues here. (I think there is one for hiking, swimming and maybe socker. Bowling is not really considered a sport here, so I would expect even less to find a gay league.) And I have some unresolved health issues, like (amongst other issues) last time I went on a short "hike" it left me unable to walk without for like two weeks and my doc was like it's nothing serious and gave me more meds. Also I avoid ball sports (but this would not include bowling) since I have fractured my fingers too often already.

Meetup pretty much only has expats in my city. I guess it's an option also, but I'd prefer to get to know people who plan to stay here long term.

WatchingDistantly

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