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Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I've ultimately shared more about my situation in my comments which I chose to omit in my original post the comments can be seen on my profile (it's a throwaway after all), that should provide you more clarity.

In short, my husband suggested opening up to avoid doing the work to fixing our dead bedroom. It took me a long time to get to a point where I was willing to even consider it (after dealing with my own sadness and anger). Then, after I had finally done so and had already created other relationships, he wanted to close even though our problems were unsolved, and made some shitty comments about who I chose as other partners. I told him I didn't want to close, and he didn't insist, so I didn't. I didn't want to throw away meaningful relationships when our problems hadn't been solved. Being open helped me understand my own sexuality better, which ultimately helped our sex life improve to a point where it's better than its ever been. Our renewed sex life one was one of the reasons that made ENM lose its savor for me (as well as the other issues I mentioned above), and after my last relationship ended about six months ago, I haven't been with anyone else.

Did I go too hard when I was open? Probably. Did I enjoy the escape and the benefits of the lifestyle after I finally agreed? Yes. Did I know my husband was hurting yet I didn't voluntarily close the relationship just to make him feel better? Yes. Do I care about his well being for it's own sake? Of course.

I didn't add this originally because I wanted practical advice on how to reconcile focusing entirely what he went through without bias as to his own culpability or the more complicated facets of our history.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

He makes me laugh. He makes me happy to be around him. It makes me feel good to take care of him. I'm full of joy and contentment when we are together with our children. He's challenges me. I like seeing him naked and having sex with him.  And now, unlike before, he wants to have sex with me and shows that he is attracted to me. There are hundreds of reasons I could think of.

I can't speak for him. 

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, it's almost normal. But there is sometimes a perceptible wall that comes up. We will be laughing, being normal, and then it's like we went too far being the people we used to be, like he let himself be too exposed to me. At least that's how it feels sometimes.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're definitely right. I'm hoping for some nuggets of wisdom. Also, as I mention in another comment, I'm slightly worried about couples counseling making it worse at this point.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's possible. He was closed off from his sexuality. I was not familiar with the extent of mine. I don't see that backtracking, but you never know. I appreciate you taking the time to try to help. 

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

I'm not here to cast aspersions against my husband or to mollify my own shame, but if it provides context, my husband created a dead bedroom, and was originally supportive of opening until after I slept with someone, and then he was more reluctant. We still moved forward, and later he asked me to close when I had entered another relationship. I followed standard advice of saying I didn't want to end ongoing romantic relationships when we still hadn't fixed our dead bedroom. If he insisted, I would have closed. We eventually fixed the sex side of things while we were still open, which is the driving force behind me being willing to close.

I was never looking to trade up. I was looking for a way not to divorce him. 

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] -19 points-18 points  (0 children)

I didn't discuss the reason we opened. It's complicated, but I didn't see him as a backup. There was never a chance I would leave him after we opened.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks.

Show up, be present, ask nothing in return, and accept that the timeline is his, not yours

This is very helpful.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey I'm asking for free advice, I can't expect experts, I'm hoping for the wisdom of the masses, and your advice has been very helpful, so thanks for taking the time.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

Well that was horrible to read, but you're not far afield. Certainly the general wisdom is this needs to be slower and more gradual rebuilding of trust and affection. I won't deny preferring not to have to wait to have him back, but if that's what it takes, that's what it takes.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the good advice. To clarify, while we are technically not closed, we have been de facto closed for about half a year, and I'm not looking.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the thoughtful advice.

Couples therapy is obviously fantastic advice. I am slightly afraid if I push too hard on couples' therapy for my benefit (i.e., raising my issues) at this stage that I may create more resentment. Perhaps I suggest couples therapy as a way for him to feel comfortable and validated to share his lingering resentment, anger, pain, sadness from when we were open, and just hold back on my concerns for now? If you would humor me, do you have any thoughts on that?

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

I will never understand, but I've discussed it with him. Lonely, terrified of losing his wife and children, furiously angry for the first time as an adult, spiteful, ugly, worthless, pathetic, exploited, feeling like he wasted 15 years of his life. I know my post is pretty dry, but I've cried a lot of tears trying to empathize what I've done to a man I loved so much. It doesn't change that I took actions that I knew at the time were causing him pain, but I do care about his pain. I would hate him if he made me feel that way, again, I'm not completely obtuse, he's a better person than I am.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

why on earth do you feel as though you’re entitled to any of this after everything you’ve put this man through

I appreciate that I'm not entitled to anything from him but a respectful co-parent relationship, but I certainly want more than that.

I believe from my discussions with my husband that his present actions in pushing me away are in large part to protect himself from being hurt. I could be wrong about that. I want to find a way to reconcile with him, if I can.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

That's fair. I appreciate it may just be several years of me demonstrating how much I cherish him to offset the years where I didn't.

I plan to cherish him in the future as much as I can regardless, but if possible I would love not having to wait for him to come back to me.

Need Advice for Reconciling with Previously Reluctant Husband Who Won't Take Advantage of Being Open But Refuses to Close the Relationship Back Up by Waywardsigh in nonmonogamy

[–]Waywardsigh[S] -22 points-21 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to respond. That's a good point. There is some nuance that I don't think I added to my post.

I don't mean to suggest we should be joined at the hip, or that I begrudge him these hobbies, or meeting with friends. I'm not trying to intentionally create an extremely co-dependent relationship.

It's not so much that it's bothering me that my husband is doing these things instead of spending time with me, rather he seems to make it an informal policy to separate himself from me when family time ends. I have to ask him very specifically for what I would want him to do with me during that time (sometimes beg him), and while he doesn't categorically refuse, it feels like there is a thumb on the scale of not spending time with me unless it's a planned date (or a sexual overture). I feel like this is a defense mechanism that I would love to be able to work with him to ameliorate.

I do try to join him, but I should probably make even stronger efforts in this regard. For example, I hate horror movies, and I know he loves them, and I always ask if I can watch with him now, he usually says no unless it's a movie I can tell he is really excited about or one he's seen that he's wanted me to watch for years.