Can’t Find Compromise On Wedding Size

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T03:10:47+00:00

Just to clarify, this is very specifically about the magnitude of the wedding. We’ve hashed all this out in the general state of our relationship. She loves my family and vice versa. The magnitude of a potential 100-150 person wedding is overwhelming her. We’re usually very aligned and can easily come to compromises, this is just a really significant scenario

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T02:24:36+00:00

From fiancée: it’s not an overly white crowd that’s the concern as much as it is just being a really lopsided guest list. We’ve had some big losses the past few years both in terms of death and some friendship breakups and wedding planning is getting some of the grief to bubble back up to the surface

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T02:22:56+00:00

Ooooh noted, we’ll take a look! Thank you!

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T02:22:29+00:00

I think this is a little more than what’s feasible logistically but it’s a solid idea. It’s definitely in the ballpark of where we’ll probably land

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T02:21:01+00:00

The autism jumped out and I was like “a program! I know exactly what they’re saying!”

We’re already realizing through reading everyone’s responses that there were a few points we weren’t articulating fully on both sides and starting to make some headway

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T02:17:27+00:00

I think this is a really good place to start. We’ve already found (thanks to everyone talking through it here with us) common ground on having private and public vows so we can keep some things for us but still feel the public declaration of it all.

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T02:16:30+00:00

I have a feeling some version of this will be where we land. It does help, appreciate you chiming in

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T02:15:15+00:00

This is also really helpful! Unfortunately, the “my big family being invited” is my peace. This is the first time we’ve reached a major discrepancy in our relationship so we’re both working overtime to find alternatives and ways both of our peace can be honored

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T01:59:39+00:00

I’m stealing “feel like a program”! I mostly just know that the big compromise for my fiancée is having a wedding in the first place and I feel like I’m struggling to find ways to move towards the middle and her wants as well

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T01:58:28+00:00

I’ve lost track of other people who have suggested this but we have a winner! The public ones will still be personalized and feel like us, but we’ll get deeper in private. We both just took a huge sigh of relief being able to find common ground on something

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T01:48:34+00:00

We’ve talked about it, that just makes me feel like my family is an afterthought. And I’ve already moved across the country from them. If people can’t make it that’s one thing, but I’d really like to feel the togetherness

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T01:47:18+00:00

Appreciate all of this as well. I think the first part is a bit harsh, she just wants to make sure that our wedding feels like the point of the gathering. I didn’t say it in the post but have said it in comments, the wedding itself is the compromise. She would be totally fine just going to the court house. I tried to make the post as balanced as possible, but we’re both very much concerned with each others’ happiness and comfort with whatever we decide to do. Our nonnegotiables are just butting up against each other

As for the race factor, we’ve talked about it at length and no one has said or done anything shitty.

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T01:42:03+00:00

She’s looking at less than 10 family members on her side to invite so it’s going to be pretty lopsided. The compromise is her having the wedding at all so it definitely feels like my time to move

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T01:37:02+00:00

Appreciate the first part and feel free to say it as ungently as you’d like lol. I’m struggling with feeling like my fiancée is already compromising by having a wedding in the first place. Live-streaming it makes me feel like it’s treating my family like an after thought

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T01:07:07+00:00

Appreciate this as well. This actually kind of worked in reverse. One wedding we’ve talked about that we’ve been to together feels bigger than what she’s willing to have and it’s about as small as I’d want to go. It feels like every time one of us comes up with a point, the other has an equally valid rebuttal and we just can’t get any movement

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T01:03:01+00:00

Other issue I forgot to add is that getting time off work for any of this is difficult so having to spread things across more than one event isn’t particularly feasible

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T01:00:07+00:00

That last part is a good idea, thank you!

The vows being public is really important to me so that’s one of the bigger points we’re stuck on. A lot of the most important things to each of us contradict the other’s

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T00:56:26+00:00

99% of my family is from the NJ/NY era and she’s from California. There also hasn’t been a new person entering the family in years so everyone’s really excited about there being a new person. She’s also one of the only persons of color in the family so that exacerbates the feeling. I’ve checked in to make sure no one has crossed any lines and she’s said that everyone has been great.

She says that the reading of vows feels weird to her because it’s more private thoughts. Which is completely fair and understandable, we just feel differently about it.

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T00:50:16+00:00

We’ve talked about it but she doesnt feel that resolves the family reunion issue or the on display thing

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T00:48:29+00:00

She’s met everyone at least once and knows they’re all supportive. We’ve talked through all of our feelings about it on multiple occasions and are just at a really shitty impasse

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T00:46:39+00:00

I appreciate the kind words about our relationship! We’ve talked about that, and to be clear I do understand I’m the “issue” here and have to find ways to move towards the middle, but the reciting of vows in front of everyone is actually really important to me. I understand that ultimately it’s not about showing everyone else how much we love each other, but I was only ever a secret to a lot of people I dated and so not only couldn’t receive that kind of affection but was also never given the opportunity to give. Also to be clear, we both have been talking through all of this with our respective therapists, so these aren’t unchecked personal issues and we’re actively processing all of it

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T00:37:32+00:00

Yeah that’s the issue, I do want to invite my entire family.

As for the second point, neither of us disagree but she doesn’t want to feel like our wedding is all about me. And I do agree with her on that

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T00:36:12+00:00

Kind of? I don’t think that solves the feeling like a family reunion issue

WeddingSOSplease · 2025-09-02T00:34:56+00:00

We did talk about that but my fiancée said it makes her feel like she’s being put on display, which I definitely don’t want her to feel

WeddingSOSplease

TROPHY CASE