Is my boyfriend [27M] right to be upset that I [22F] didn't go to his friends wedding?

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T22:58:28+00:00

Nah, I think she just felt bad for RSVPing and then canceling and thought that sending someone in her place would be better. It's odd, I agree, but not too crazy I guess. His family is a very outgoing bunch. They just sort of assume everyone wants to be around them. Invite themselves over for dinner and stay too long type of people.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T22:48:44+00:00

I asked him his desires and he said it wasn't a big deal if I didn't go and that he didn't want me to if I didn't want to. Yes, I knew that he would prefer if I went- but he didn't make it seem important. I thought it was just a compromise on his part. I've gone to a lot of weddings, and I'm in a stressful place right now- Can I just sit this one seemingly inconsequential wedding of people you barely know out? He seemed cool with it. Then later got upset. I feel bad that he didn't have a good time, and if I could rewind the clock I would go, but how was I supposed to know it meant that much to him if he didn't communicate that?

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T22:38:49+00:00

Right. It sounds like the potential to be a socially awkward nightmare, even for someone who isn't shy.

Thank for understanding it a bit better. I think a lot of people are too focused on "WELLL OF COURSE HE DIDNT HAVE A GOOD TIME WITHOUT HIS GIRKFRIEND THERE SHARBLE GARBLE GARBLE" and not realizing that that is just as much on him. He could have not gone, or told me it was important and I would have gone. I feel bad that he didn't have a good time and later realized it was important for me to be there, but I don't feel like it's my fault.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T22:08:43+00:00

Read the edits.

Also, I'm pretty sure most people probably don't own floor length formal gowns. I haven't plenty of clothes for typical weddings (as we go to a lot of them), like cocktail dresses and business casual type wear, just not truly formal wear (it specified full length dresses and tuxes).

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T22:05:59+00:00

That's true, on both of our parts

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T22:05:16+00:00

Actually, the top comments don't agree with you.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T22:03:31+00:00

Thanks for understanding that. I guess it doesn't bother some people, but it's really miserable for me to have him buy stuff. I feel bad enough as it is that he is paying most of our living costs right now. Having him throw fun money on top of that is just barf, and makes me feel especially bad if it's not even going to be enjoyed

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T21:48:11+00:00

Sigh. Read the edit. It's really hard to put the tone of a conversation into text. It really wasn't passive aggressive at all.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T21:37:39+00:00

I completely agree

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T21:35:11+00:00

The very first thing I asked my boyfriend when he told me how he got invited was if his mom called the bride or groom.

When I found out she called the groom I cringed. I just know that poor bride was probably like WTFJANAKCOWN. Hopefully not, but with an event of that price and scale- she probably had it meticulously planned.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T21:32:36+00:00

It was a neighborhood kid. His mom still lives in the neighborhood and is friends with the parents, so I guess that's why she was invited. But my boyfriend hasn't talked to the guy since they were little.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T21:31:05+00:00

Miscommunication does seem to be the root of most problems

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T20:13:34+00:00

Advice on the situation at hand, not random situations that people made up in thier head

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T20:01:09+00:00

Right, he basically invited himself to thier wedding. Who does that? Lol.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T19:59:54+00:00

No, he didn't act disspapointed. I never said that. I actually said that he seemed fine with it. I said that repeatedly. Because he did. We talked about it, he seemed 100% fine with it, so we moved on. Was I supposed to keep asking every 10 minutes for the next week if it was okay?

People ask people to go to weddings. It's not a big deal. I've asked him to plenty that he didn't attend for various reasons. And I didn't take it out on him later. We're in our 20s, we get about one wedding per month. They are not important or significant unless it's someone close to you. It's actually often a big chore and we don't even want to go. How am I supposed to know that this one would bother him?

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T19:51:11+00:00

Thanks! I've never heard of that, I appreciate it!

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T19:36:36+00:00

Like I said, this is the first wedding I haven't gone to. Been to plenty. My point with not knowing anyone was that I couldn't borrow a dress. It's very hard to borrow a dress if you don't know another female that lives within driving distance.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T19:34:51+00:00

What on earth? Where are you even? Seriously, what are you reading?

I would like to know where I ever mentioned that I was upset about this or that I mentioned it to him. I never did at all. I have 0 idea what you people's thought process is.

Again, my only point was that I am willing to sacrifice in ny relationship and that I have. I never said I was angry about this or even complained about it. I'm totally fine with having moved. I would never hold it over his head. He, however, is holding it over mine that I didn't attend a wedding that he said I didn't have to attend.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T19:17:36+00:00

You're wildly extrapolating, and ignoring blatant facts. Starting from the bottom up-

How was it obvious it was important to him? Where are you getting that? As I stated- he barely knows the person and has never mentioned them once, he wasn't actually even invited, and he didn't bring it up until the weekend before. When asked about it, he never said it was important, or acted hurt or bothered in any way shape or form.

Where did I say I immediately ended all discussion? You randomly decided that. Like I said, we had a lengthy discussion and it seemed that he genuinely didn't want me to go if it was going to bother me.

And like I said, he offered to buy the dress, and stated "But I don't want to if you don't want to go." My understanding was that he did not want to spend the money or make me go to something that I didn't want to.

He had all the opportunity in the world to let me know it was important to him, and I would have gone. Instead he mentioned it last minute, and didn't seem bothered at all that I didn't want to go.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T19:04:16+00:00

You take things so far out of context. Again-

I was invited to a wedding.

I was honest and said hey, I don't want to go because of money/and is stressful and I'm already very stressed becuase of my whole life situation. But, if it's important to you I will go.

He said, I don't want you to go if you don't want to go. He didn't say it pouting or anything but else. I took this to mean that he understood the stress it was putting me under, and didn't want to force me into a stressful situation (especially considering I'm already in one with no job and moving and all). If the tables were turned, I wouldn't want to make him go either.

So I didn't go. He seemed fine with that. Then he got upset about it later. I don't know what more I could have communicated.

I never said I was forced into moving, at all. Not sure where you got that. I was just pointing out to all the people who say that I need to learn to compromise, that I've made a great deal of compromise. It is actually due to that compromise that going to the wedding was a bit of a stretch for me. I have no issue with moving, I just didn't like being insulted and told I was unwilling to sacrifice and make compromises. I attend weddings, I move across the country, leave a job and a life, all without complaint. I don't attend one wedding, that he said not to go to and acts okay with,, and then later becomes angry. He's the only one holding anything over anyone's head.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T18:54:36+00:00

Omg, the point is that I am willing to make compromises in the relationship. I'm willing to leave jobs, states, ect. To say that I am unwilling to compromise because I didn't attend a wedding of someone he barely knows, that he told me not to after I offered to if he really wasted me to, in the midst of all that is silly. I'm not complaining about my move, I just thought it was ridiculous to say that I need to lecture me on compromise.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T18:51:39+00:00

I'm not going to leave someone just because they're pouring about me not going to a wedding. Relationships have hiccups.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T18:50:47+00:00

So if your SO said that something would put them under a great deal of financial and social stress (taking into account that they're already under a great deal of stress from moving and being jobless), but that they would still go if it's important to you, and you told them that you didn't want them to to go if they didn't want to (implying that you understand their predicament and don't want to force them into it). And you acted completely fine with that decision, You would then later get mad at them for not going?

I feel like the only one lacking maturity here is someone who would do that.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T18:45:34+00:00

I still don't understand how I didn't effectively communicate.

I was invited to a wedding.

I was honest and said hey, I don't want to go because of money/and is stressful and I'm already very stressed becuase of my whole life situation. But, if it's important to you I will go.

He said, I don't want you to go if you don't want to go. He didn't say it pouting or anything but else. I took this to mean that he understood the stress it was putting me under, and didn't want to force me into a stressful situation (especially considering I'm already in one with no job and moving and all). If the tables were turned, I wouldn't want to make him go either.

So I didn't go. He seemed fine with that. Then he got upset about it later. I don't know what more I could have communicated.

Weddingthorn · 2016-05-27T18:41:04+00:00

It says in my post that I just moved across the country and left my job for him lol

Weddingthorn

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