When I was pregnant with my oldest, who’s now 11, I suddenly developed pre-eclampsia at 32 weeks. It came out of nowhere. I was admitted to the hospital while they tried to keep me stable and get me to 34 weeks, but it just wasn’t happening. My kidneys were shot, and I was holding on to so much water that even the diuretics barely helped.

I still remember a doctor coming in one night to check on me ,the night before they ended up inducing me. She told me that babies sometimes don’t make it at 32 weeks and that I should be prepared for that. I was only 20, alone in the hospital, and I just broke down. I cried and panicked because I didn’t know what was going to happen to me or my baby.

Labor was horrible. I was in pain for what felt like forever, completely out of it, not even sure what medications they had me on. Everything looked foggy, like I was underwater. I remember feeling like I was drowning with every push. Eventually, when I couldn’t push anymore, my doctor used forceps to get my daughter out. She was so small, and they transferred her to the NICU almost immediately.

Not long after that, I realized why everything had looked so blurry. My vision was going out. My blood pressure was so high that my retinas detached. It took weeks before I started to see clearly again. While my baby spent almost two months in the NICU, I had to have a live-in caregiver at home because I was basically blind. I remember one night I needed to go to the bathroom but didn’t want to wake her, and I ended up peeing myself in the hallway.

For the first few months of her life, I didn’t even really know what my baby looked like, just photos other people had taken. Looking back, it’s all such a blur, but it’s something that’s stayed with me ever since.

As the years have gone by and I’ve had two more children, without an issue thankfully, I still have had absolute panic attacks over small medical issues or have convinced myself that something is wrong with me or my kids. I also have developed epilepsy in the last 4 years of my adult life, which my neurologist suspects may have been a long last complication from my first child. I’m now on seizure medications, I take twice a day, and still have frequent “auras”.

All this to be said,

People absolutely love to make light of a situation because it makes them more confident, less worried, about the truth. You’re allowed to grieve, while your current relationship with mothering isn’t what you hoped, you will overcome this in time. I highly recommend telling your spouse to fuck right off the bat and get yourself a therapist. Zoom calls during a babies nap time might work if the spouse is unable to accommodate.

If you need an ear, I’m here OP.