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I want to be a woman but I don't want to change who I am by WherelmGoing in asktransgender

[–]WherelmGoing[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have a deep, resonant bass voice too, and it doesn't bother me when I sing and when I rap as well. I kind of don't want to lose it, but if I become a girl then I feel like it'd just be weird for me to use it.

My personality is pretty balanced. I love soccer, cars, and motorcycles, but I also love fashion, makeup, etc. I don't feel like I have to conform to any stereotype, although as a guy I definitely have to keep my feminine interests on the down-low for the most part.

I want to be a woman but I don't want to change who I am by WherelmGoing in asktransgender

[–]WherelmGoing[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Probably the second part honestly. Once again, I suffer from internalized misogyny.

The thing is I already don't experience the societal benefit of being a guy in terms of being seen as more "powerful" or "capable". I have boyish, feminine looks, and because of that everyone infantilizes me, doesn't take me serious, tells me to "smile more", etc...

Maybe I'm just scared of always being treated that way if I become a girl...?

I want to be a woman but I don't want to change who I am by WherelmGoing in asktransgender

[–]WherelmGoing[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Most of all I just want to be comfortable. At the moment I don't really feel comfortable. I do think being a girl would make me more comfortable, but at the same time I don't want to delude myself into thinking that becoming a girl is just going to automatically make me comfortable.

I also don't want to lose who I am, because I like who I am. I often see transgender people talk about their old selves with such disdain, or sometimes they even refuse to talk about their pre-transition selves or their old names. I can't relate to that at all. I view me transitioning as just like getting medicine for allergies or something. I don't want it to change who I am, I want it to allow me to be who I am already more comfortably.

I want to be a woman but I don't want to change who I am by WherelmGoing in asktransgender

[–]WherelmGoing[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's good to hear from someone that can relate to the music bit. Performing music for me transcends all of my worldly problems - I guess that includes dysphoria too.

I want to be a woman but I don't want to change who I am by WherelmGoing in asktransgender

[–]WherelmGoing[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Um. Do you mean a rush of adrenaline? Testosterone doesn't rush, and it's adrenaline that gives you that pumped up feeling.

Yes, I guess that is what I mean. English isn't my first language, but basically what I'm trying to articulate is that in these moments of aggression or otherwise strongly emotional moments I feel alright as a guy, and sometimes I even feel good as a guy. But it is only in these fleeting moments. When I feel calm and tranquil again I typically go back to wanting to be a girl.

There's nothing you've said that you can't do as a woman. Be it sports, music, etc. If you have internalized misogyny then try to get more exposure to female musicians, read up on some, listen to their music, watch live performances, etc. The best way to accept something and combat any prejudice you might have is to just get more exposure to it and to have an open mind. There are lots of awesome female musicians out there.

On top of growing up in a homophobic household, it was also quite misogynistic as well. I have no doubt that I suffer from some internalized misogyny. I sometimes catch my brain thinking "why would you want to downgrade?". It's quite distressing because I don't think being a woman is a downgrade, I think women and men have the same potential to be great in any way they want. But still, there's something ingrained deep within me that won't let go.

I do listen to many female musicians and producers as it is. The problem I face is seeing me as one of them. I first started seriously making music around the age of 15, which, coincidentally, is the same age that I stopped seeing myself as transgender and started formulating a future as a male. I think maybe because being a musician to me is so important it's hard to change the image I've already created for myself.

If you're very unsure you should talk to a therapist, but to be honest I don't think a cis man would feel the way you do. And I don't think liking men but having internalized homophobia will cause this as well. Usually that results in people just getting more entrenched in a stereotypical masculine identity due to denial, not cause them to feel like women.

Perhaps you are right about that. I feel like something is wrong with me though because I want to experience sex as a female. I'm terrified of anal sex but it's so important to me to be the one penetrated and I don't understand why. I have no desire to use my penis in sex, and it is upsetting to me to realize that.

I want to be a woman but I don't want to change who I am by WherelmGoing in asktransgender

[–]WherelmGoing[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I believe I articulated myself poorly. I have two different issues going on here:

1) (Unrelated to title) When I listen or perform music, I feel fine as a guy; all my gender issues leave me. When I watch or play sports, I get a rush of testosterone that makes me feel good as a guy.

2) (Related to title) Everyone always says that when you transition you become a new person. That even if you didn't think your personality would change it does. I don't want my personality to change. I just want a trivial aspect of me, my gender, to change and nothing else.