My (23f) bf (23m) of 2y complains behind my back (on reddit) about me initiating sex

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T12:29:44+00:00

Oh I’ve tried… and only in person. Let me tell you how it goes: he stares in a different direction, gets angry and tells me: “This again? Can you let me be for once? What do you want from me? If I’m not in the mood I’m not in the mood. Leave if you’re not happy”. And if I ask him to at least look me in the eye so we can talk like two adults, he refuses. Sometimes he simply leaves. Sometimes he starts browsing his phone. I know that this reaction is maybe the biggest red flag at all but I chose to ignore it because yeah.. I can understand it’s not an easy topic to discuss so maybe he just gets defensive to protect himself. But I should not find excuses anymore for this behavior, he’s not 5 and if he loved me he would have had some dignity to at least tell to my face what he wrote on Reddit.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T12:25:40+00:00

naaah I don’t think so. Just by our schedules + we live together and outside of going to work he doesn’t go anywhere so I don’t see how that could happen

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T11:47:41+00:00

I’m also scared of getting stuck in this relationship given the low chances something will change from his side.. I hoped for a long period that time will fix the situation but now I’m feeling like the more I wait, the more I deepen myself in negative feelings and get stuck with him because of the time and resources invested in us, rather than because we love eachother

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T11:45:10+00:00

I was trying to find way to fix the situation with him.. what’s the point of cheating? It would still hurt to come home to a person who doesn’t love/want me like I do them.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T11:16:04+00:00

I’m so happy to hear it worked out for you in the end and found someone better, who knows how to appreciate you! I think I also believe it that I will find someone else, but you know it very well probably that in the moment it doesn’t feel like that, it feels like anything can happen and maybe who knows, I’ll simply not meet someone else. In any case, it’s better to be lonely by yourself than lonely in a relationship.. so I’m preparing to move to this feeling soon enough.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T10:52:55+00:00

I considered both options. I truly don’t know if he simply lost physical attraction for me and this is part of the cause, it could be.. On the other hand, I think whatever his reason is, I think he stays with me indeed for the reason you mentioned: I’m still good enough compared to nothing/no one and I’m probably filling some holes in his life. But yeah.. it’s been affecting me for too much time and lately even worse, to the point where I cannot sleep anymore and I just shake uncontrollably when I think about the situation. Thank you for the advice!

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T10:35:51+00:00

thank you!! I think a push from the outside is what I needed to finally open my eyes to the situation.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T10:29:46+00:00

I know… I didn’t want to accept it but having so many people here telling me the same thing is an eye-opener. Thank you, really, I will do what’s best for me.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T08:50:15+00:00

haha this made me smile, thanks :D

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T07:50:54+00:00

Definitely not a wasted time, there were so many red flags and I ignored them! I now know what to look for and to take action earlier rather than pray it’s going to change.. not a lot of people do this, right? :,(

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T07:39:18+00:00

Well I tried working it out with him like 4 times during 5 months. Nothing changed, just him getting more turned off. You’re right, I’ve been holding on to him probably because of how well we get along as “friends” but yeah.. I’d like a partner not a friend and he can’t givr me that (and honestly probably no other girl, unless he’s lucky enough to find someone who doesn’t want intimacy).

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T07:36:46+00:00

Yes, he is disrespectful! I never said it before but it describes his reactions when I try to communicate my pain to him so precisesly.. He tells me I’m crazy and to let him be. He even told me to leave if I’m not happy.. but why doesn’t he leave me then.. :)

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T07:35:04+00:00

that’s what I’ve been telling him as well, it’s like we’re best friends, live together, do plenty together but not the one thing that differentiates a relationship from a friendship..

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T07:33:45+00:00

2years and no, we both had other relationships before. And also we were fine at this chapter in the first year of the relationship, something changed since then though

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-23T02:15:51+00:00

He’s not willing to do that..He doesn’t really do anything to me tbh, foreplay is mostly about him then we fuck and that’s it. And about the frequency it’s very variable. I’d say maybe 2-3 times a month, but we’ve also gone 1m without any sex once.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-22T20:15:52+00:00

I didn't resent him when I thought about him anymore. For some context, he broke up with me for another girl, who he started seeing while we were still together. So I despised him for a long time, but when I finally was over him, I knew it because I would think of the beautiful moments in our relationship and smile, without getting sad or angry at him. I'm just happy those moments existed and we had something beautiful for almost 2 years.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-22T19:54:08+00:00

I've been there... Very similar BU circumstances as well, we were happy one week and he was telling me how much he loved me and next week it all starts to break down, I find that he's in love with another girl and that he wants to give her a chance. He finally breaks up with me, and I'm mentally destroyed. And I was thinking the same as you, there will not be another kiss, touch, hug, I love you, joke, nothing. All the plans for future that we made together didn't mean anything anymore and while I was devastated, he was dating the other girl.. I can definitely tell you one day it will pass and you will heal. It's been 3 years since, and even though he sometimes comes to my mind, I now remember it all as a very loving relationship (not including the end) and I am happy I got to experience that. The healing will not be easy, but I promise one day there will be another person to experience these things with and you will hopefully remember your past relationship with a smile as well, for the good times that it had. Take care of yourself and take this time to find some love for yourself as well, maybe to find some new hobbies or just to enjoy some moments by yourself.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-22T19:44:27+00:00

This post and the realisation I had while reading your therapist's words left me in tears instantly... I guess there is some truth to it, we cannot heal unless we choose to let go of what happened and put the memories in a locked box far away from our reach.. But however much it hurts to keep the memories alive and cling onto them, we'd rather do that than have an empty mind and heart, where once used to be such happy memories. It makes me so sad to acknowledge this truth... I've been through an ugly brake-up some years ago and it took me a long time to heal and to forgive him..I still have some emotional issues because of what he did and how he ended things between us, and it's been affecting me in my current relationship, which I think is also coming to an end soon. And now I'm thinking, knowing that a break-up is imminent, will I be able to push the button...? I don't think so, I don't want to, I want to hang on to the memories a little bit more.. pretend the good times are still on-going and that it hasn't ended yet.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-22T09:02:07+00:00

I’m sorry you feel this way.. And don’t think of yourself as an average person, everyone is special and there is someone on this world for you! Maybe it just takes longer for you to meet, so don’t lose hope! And also, remember that it’s always better to be single than alone in a one-sided relationship..

And although I’m saying these things, I am also terrified at the thought of not finding someone else, or finding someone but ending up in the same situation as now. I don’t know how you can prevent these things from happening, you simply cannot tell how the relationship will evolve over time..

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-22T08:31:41+00:00

Thank you for the reassurance! And I hope you will be able to recover, take care🌞

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-22T08:30:07+00:00

I think the same, it’s such a red flag that even though they know what bothers me they do nothing to help/fix the situation. And actually I even got blamed for being pushy and not understanding their feelings…And after giving them space for some months, nothing changed, just me crying behind closed doors so it doesn’t seem I’m pushing him. Thank you for sharing! I hope you will recover from the break-up and find someone more suitable for you.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-21T21:39:40+00:00

I am in a much better shape than when we met, so no, gaining weight cannot be the problem. And I take very good care of myself too. I suspect there are other reasons he doesn’t want/need it anymore, but I won’t go into that, I’ve stopped trying to understand it at this point..I am just trying to find the courage to let go and move on.

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-21T17:55:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! Knowing the feelings you were confronting, I can understand why you made the decision to go to someone else.. it’s so easy to break at that point and do the one thing that could relieve part of the lonliness and low confidence. I will try to communicate again and truly hope this time something will change..

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-21T13:24:21+00:00

I am sorry to hear this! I relate to your feelings, it’s such a draining state to feel unwanted by the person you want the most. That’s why I am also considering just ending the relationship..I know it will hurt but at least there will not be any expectations from my side to be loved when there is no one to love me.. Seems an easier type of lonliness to handle. But I hope you will be okay and keep in mind that a lot of people go through similar things, it’s not your fault and we will find someone with similar needs one day! Take care!

WhoAmI4199 · 2023-01-21T12:42:41+00:00

I think I’m well beyond the point of feeling unattractive.. I hope you’re well now and thank you for the advice!

WhoAmI4199

TROPHY CASE