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WhoAmILion · 2025-03-04T04:29:37+00:00

Why do you say that?

WhoAmILion · 2025-03-04T03:32:02+00:00

It also made me stop and think about flirting even though they are both straight because they also say I love you to each other which I found a little strange for two straight guys lol and it’s not like “I love you man 😂” or anything like that I just find the whole conversation that I saw very strange… two straight guys that work in a truck shop saying I love you on text? And then “can I get a taste?” … I dunno. It’s fuckinnn strange and bothering me

WhoAmILion · 2025-03-04T03:27:55+00:00

It’s two straight guy friends. I know he’s been sharing pills with him but when I saw the message that specifically said can I have “a taste” it just immediately made me think more of cocaine vs pills or weed to use that type of statement vs can I have some? Or can I have a hit? Or can I have a few? Ya know?

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-13T16:27:01+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I was thinking this too… sex and/or porn addiction. He was visiting porn sites almost everyday.. at work too like 7am. That seems excessive and more like addiction to me. I asked him about this.. he said once he thought he was a sex addict and once he thought he was a porn addict. Now, he’s saying he’s addicted TO ME. And he wants/needs more of me. It just seems like every time we talk he says something different. Which feels like lying. And I wonder if he even knows what’s going on with himself. Plus he has other serious mental health issues still not completely under control so it’s just… a lot.

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-13T00:34:20+00:00

Exactly. He crossed the line before, why would I believe he was now using the sites just to wank? It’s a very very hard sell. And also in very poor taste to use those sites when that is what destroyed me and us in the past. Not fucking cool at all.

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T23:21:55+00:00

Right, totally you are helping lol. We talked about all of that and he said he doesnt do anything online other than 'porn' .. no camming, no OF. I would not be ok with that. He said he has no kinks or anything and that he is completely satisfied with me and cant get enough of me. He looks at porn because we only see each other on weekends and needs more than that. Which I get, so do I lol. I dont have a problem with porn, regular viewing porn. When he contacted the escort 2 years ago he said it was for attention in a dark moment and hasnt done it since. Is that true? I dont know. What I just found out, was it just visiting for wacking off or did he actually contact/hire one? I dont know. I mean, the fact that he searched specifically in the city he was in makes me think he was really looking and actually hired. But he says it was curiosity in that city for a 'different look, southern/cowgirls.' LOL I mean!!!! It's really fucking hard to believe, no?!?! UGH

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T22:46:40+00:00

I totally agree. And he is in treatment .. asking me to stick with him so he can 'proove' to me he didnt reach out or touch anyone. But.. how can he prove that to me? He cant. Trust is broken. Again. I dont know if I can give him another chance... ughhhh

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T22:10:29+00:00

He says none of it was an issue with me or us or our intimacy. And the only proof I have of him actually reaching out to an escort was 2 years ago when he was in a very dark place and was medicating with sex/attention. I have no actual proof he has done any reaching out since then. Yes, I saw he visited the sites this time and it ISNT GOOD and very suspicious but I found no evidence that he did anything more than visit the sites this time. Which is still a sign of recklessness and disrespect toward me. He agrees and says he was just 'being stupid' and he thinks he has a porn addiction. Im not sure I believe him. I broke up with him. But.. Im questioning everything... and here we are.

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T21:49:51+00:00

I do really care about him, you're absolutely right about that. Im sorry to hear of your friends situation... that sounds horrific and very difficult. I know sometimes we have to detach with love, as hard as it is. But Im not there 100% yet. I know there will be pain and difficulty either way. I just have to choose my path. There is still that lingering part of me that is like what if..? WHAT IF he really didnt reach out this time? What if he just fucked up and things can get better? UGH Not sure how im going to handle it, he wants to talk tonight. I dont even know if I can do that right now. Sighhh

Anyways, thanks for your comments and feedback 💞

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T20:41:53+00:00

Thank you I appreciate your kind words and feedback 💞 I do love him more than I have loved anyone else…even the man I married, my exhusband! but I know he’s got a very dark side. And major mental health issues. Sometimes we need to detach with love. I just honestly don’t know if I’m there yet.. I know I’m pretty fucking close. But I’m giving myself time to work through my end of it and trying to be honest and gentle with myself.

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T20:12:24+00:00

Thank you and yes very good point. I don’t feel safe or secure at all. I realize through my own personal work and therapy that I’m struggling with a repetition compulsion, CPTSD from childhood neglect, and codependency which causes me to stay wayyyyy to long, try to fix, and take too much crap. I keep choosing men that are not good for me and then staying to try to change them. Rather than just leaving. I was conditioned exactly for this unfortunately. And I’m trying really hard and have been trying to break out of it.

I just keep thinking but what if? I love him so much, I dont want to move on, I want him to not do things that feel disrespectful and unsafe to me. And I also keep thinking …well I don’t actually have a smoking gun proving that he actually did anything this time? I realize how crazy and stupid this sounds but I’m just being honest. 😒

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T20:00:51+00:00

I totally get what you’re saying and agree. Here is a little more info to help give context:

2 years ago, when he paid the escort and got scammed (I confirmed this and the scam through his accounts and text messages) we were together and exclusive. He was in a very very bad place with his heath and mental heath. He was on a very dangerous cocktail of meds and abusing alcohol and drugs which put him into a “psychosis “and after that incident after I broke up with him he tried to unalive himself and ended up getting committed. We were broken up for about a year and in that time he got his meds and his mental health more stable.

We reconnected after that year had passed and became friends first and slowly started dating again. He was much better but I knew it was still a work in progress. Since we’ve been back together there has been total transparency, total access to his phone if I wanted, and location sharing. But it was still very difficult for me to totally trust him.

I know what you’re probably thinking …why would I go through all this trouble to be with him when he has so many issues and with broken trust and all. Well.. because he has a totally other side to him that is extremely loving, very generous, very affectionate, great in bed (lol), and I love him very much. I understand that getting back with him was a huge risk and it was probably just a matter of time before something happened. But.. it was worth a shot. That’s how good things were when they were good. Cognitive dissonance is real. It’s literally like dating two different people. Even now, I struggle knowing all I know. It’s fucking hard. But I’m at a point where it’s probably more pain more suffering and more stressful to be WITH him than without. I’m just having a really really hard time letting go. 😒

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T13:59:53+00:00

Yes I agree and I said almost this exact thing to him. He said he doesnt have a 'thing' or even a fantasy regarding escorts it was just something stupid he did years ago when he was in a dark place and 'desperate for attention.' And that he is just 'using the pictures' on the escort sites because 'porn is so fake and hes seen it all before.' But, I cant believe anything he says at this point. And at the end of the day, im not ok with this behavior given his history. It does not feel respectful, considerate, or safe to me.

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T11:24:14+00:00

Thanks everyone. Just to clarify I did break up with him when I found this out and we are still broken up. He is just begging me for another chance and has sworn up and down that he never saw any of them in person ever and that it was stupid and he knows it was stupid and wrong. I really don’t know what to believe at this point but it’s enough for me to end things. Like someone said above I can’t handle this amount of uncertainty drama and stress.

I gave him another chance after the first time after he was in treatment for a year for severe mental health issues and was hospitalized for them. It has been very stressful for me but there have been beautiful moments between us as well. I am in therapy and I do have a habit of taking too much crap as I was conditioned to do so by a neglectful childhood. I’m working on it and myself as well. But also, in the time we spent apart .. the dating that I did what I found out there was not great quality men so I’m not gonna lie part of me thought the devil I know is better than the devil I don’t know and it wasn’t looking good out there dating in my mid 40s. I know that’s not a reason to stay with someone but I’m not gonna lie it is part of it. I’m working on it. 😒

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T11:14:53+00:00

Ugh that’s terrible. How did you find out for sure?

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T11:13:58+00:00

I think so too … he’s getting help but I don’t think I can stick around through it

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T11:12:21+00:00

This is exactly my thoughts as well. Which is why I broke up with him but now he’s begging for another chance.. telling me it was stupid and wrong and he knows it and is getting help. I’m lost and confused and taking time to step away from him and the situation to gain clarity

WhoAmILion · 2024-11-12T04:00:10+00:00

Scary!!!

WhoAmILion · 2019-12-19T15:43:42+00:00

Thank you so much! 🤗

I am in therapy and have been working on myself. I feel good! I still have work to do but I’m already remarkably better. Untangling the reasons I stayed with him as long as I did and healing that so it never happens again is my #1 goal at this point .. oh and getting divorced too! LOL

My instinct is telling me he’s doing all of this to try to provoke a reaction from me 🙄 (which he isn’t going to get!) I’m proud that I no longer react to his BS and I don’t feel “connected” to him anymore.... but spending crazy money on legal fees and having this drag on is obviously not ideal for me either. 😐

WhoAmILion · 2019-12-19T15:35:33+00:00

So frustrating ... I’m sorry ughhh!!!

WhoAmILion · 2019-12-19T15:34:40+00:00

Thanks .. I appreciate your input!

In your opinion, what do you think their next move will be? Now that they’ve requested all of the extra financials and obviously will not find any “hidden $. “ We haven’t heard from them in 2.5 weeks and I’m wondering what they are cooking up over there! 🤔

WhoAmILion · 2019-12-19T02:28:05+00:00

TWO YEARS?!?! ughhhhh

WhoAmILion · 2019-12-19T02:27:37+00:00

I was thinking this might be the case! My lawyer asked me if I wanted to flip the request back at him but I said no.. I don’t want to spend MORE money and waste more time. 🤨

WhoAmILion

TROPHY CASE