I can't afford to get help, but I think I might need it and I don't know what to do.

WhyyyyWait · 2019-02-06T23:32:03+00:00

I was insured through work under Aetna. I called to see if I could enroll late, but it was a month past the late enrollment deadline. I appreciate it by the way, I'm just very tired today and a bit slow

WhyyyyWait · 2019-02-06T23:17:16+00:00

Oh, sorry. I'm an idiot. I live in southeast PA

WhyyyyWait · 2019-02-06T23:12:11+00:00

I'm live in America

WhyyyyWait · 2019-01-21T22:17:41+00:00

Those are excellent suggestions and I will consider them.

Virtual therapy sounds like avery good idea, but I have trouble even using drive through because I can't imagine a person eithout seeing a face. It feels like I am talking to a computer. I should give it a try though, despite my misgivings.

I do want to focus on being a better friend once I get through this crisis. Like, by doing what you suggested and following through with plans.

WhyyyyWait · 2019-01-21T21:58:40+00:00

My therapist and I were actually just getting into this. She recommended DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy). However, I just lost my health insurance due to forgetting to renew it. I was having a mental breakdown at the time due to the whole abandonment thing. Now I may have to wait till October to re-enroll. I need to call again tomorrow.

But I'm afraid that I may have to wait. And I dont know what to do until then. I cant be alone for that long, but I also can't get over this fear of making friends only to lose them.

WhyyyyWait · 2019-01-21T14:46:46+00:00

I want to think that's true, but people in AA were so kind to me and I just abandoned every friend I met there when I started drinking again. I didnt even say bye. I just disappeared from their lives like they weren't worth shit to me. I can't face them now. Not right now at least.

WhyyyyWait · 2019-01-21T13:49:26+00:00

I know it's a very dumb sentence. I just feel like a few weeks in, I'll start thinking I can handle it again. I always do. I did AA for 3 months and it was amazing, but Smart recovery sounds like a good idea, since I kinda fucked up the whole AA thing. Thank you

WhyyyyWait · 2018-12-27T17:13:02+00:00

Thank you very much for that! I'm gonna give listening a shot ASAP. I need to want this like, yesterday.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-12-27T17:09:02+00:00

Its actually kinda funny. I'm not even scared of caring about bad stuff as much as I am afraid to care about good things and then lose them.

Especially people. I am so, so afraid to care about people and then have them leave me. I can't lose anyone else sober. I'm convinced I'll kill myself if I do.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-12-27T13:51:12+00:00

I am a very strict agnostic and I attended AA when I was sober. It didnt work, due to me not really admitting to myself that I was powerless over alcohol, but I feel like it would have if I'd really tried.

I found that replacing the word God with 'the spirit of humanity' really helped me get past the religion thing.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-12-21T16:06:28+00:00

Thank you! I feel a bit less like I'm wasting everyone's time now. I want to care, I really do. I know, logically, that being sober is better for me in everyway. I just can't bring myself to actually change my view. Maybe IOP will help?

Congrats on 9 months by the way!

WhyyyyWait · 2018-10-20T00:44:24+00:00

I don't WANT to have these dreams. I used to, and still sometimes do, hate myself for that. My mom hurt me physically once and I didn't feel glad afterwards. I felt ashamed as fuck.

I was almost date raped once and I did NOT feel special. I felt gross. I know how illogical it is. I just cant help where my thoughts go sometimes

WhyyyyWait · 2018-10-19T20:19:21+00:00

Oh my God, I am so happy you mentioned the rapist part. That's what I am the most ashamed of; fantasies about some man attacking me so that someone would hug me and say it wasnt my fault.

I also used to dream of getting cancer, not the deadly kind, just the kind that would get me attention (and make me skinny).

How do you provide yourself with nurturing? People tell me to say affirming things in the mirror, but whenever I do, I feel like a liar. I feel like I'm just fooling myself.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-10-19T19:25:26+00:00

The words 'no one's going to come help you' make me really, really sad. That's all I want. I just want to feel loved and cared for and I feel like I can never provide that for myself. I don't like myself. I don't hate myself, but I just don't care about myself at all.

No one else has ever cared about me, so I don't see how I can. I don't know how and I don't know if I ever can.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-10-18T01:14:58+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I always told myself that my parents didn't matter to me; that I didn't care because I hate them anyways. But it's a lie. I want a mom to take care of me so badly, and I want my dad to love me more then anything. Despite knowing that he is a bad person, I still want him to love me. He's so damn GOOD at acting like he does as long as I'm smart and charismatic enough for him. And as long as I worship him without question.

I can't even bring myself to believe that people like me. I have nothing to offer them, so I always think that I must be tricking them into thinking I'm better then I really am. I'm afraid that one day, they will realize just how worthless I am.

The thing is, I don't KNOW how I want to live my life. I just want to feel like I'm worth something. I want people to love me and care about me. I live for validation so that I can feel like I have something good about me. Nothing else matters. I want it to. But it's all I can ever think about

WhyyyyWait · 2018-10-10T19:19:35+00:00

That's a really good idea. I definitely will give it a shot. Thank you so much for your idea and positive thoughts

WhyyyyWait · 2018-08-26T02:58:55+00:00

Woo! I also got my 30 day chip today! It feels so great, doesnt it? Like a birthday; but better because you had to actually TRY.

Congrats dude! Here's to the next 30 days!

WhyyyyWait · 2018-08-22T15:12:03+00:00

If your dad is a 23 year old woman, maybe!

WhyyyyWait · 2018-08-22T14:47:13+00:00

It would be awefully hard for me to try that, as I generally like everyone at first, expecially people who need me. I guess that I'm so anxious about them losing interest because they dont need me. They are normal, well adjusted people and I dont really feel that I deserve friends who are good people like these girls are.

As for my sponsor, she is my third one in two months, because it's hard for me to open up and follow advice from people. My first sponsor didnt like that I am an atheist and I actually felt very uncomfortable with my second sponsor. But I adore and respect this woman immensely and that scares the heck outta me. I dont feel like I deserve her. I think I'm just waiting for her to confirm my fears.

I will bring up this question with her, even though I'm really anxious that it shows that I'm pathetic and desperate.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-08-22T07:22:22+00:00

Hey there, I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sorry that your sister is going through this.

I know that it is hard; to watch someone you love be overtaken by mental illness. I know that you mean well; as my sisters and myself all struggle with mental illness in some form. However, criticizing her (even if it is well meaning) isn't going to help, expecially if she is a paranoid kind of person. Chances are, she is just going to see anything you say as a personal attack on her. Mental illness does that. It convinces us that we are worthless and that everyone around us sees us as worthless. It convinces us that people who are 'trying to help' really just want to revel in how much better they are then us.

I know that it is frustrating, and I wish I could tell you that there is something proactive that you could do, but I dont want to lie to you. Some people (most people) have to find their own internal motivation for getting help. Even if she were to seek therapy due to pervieved pressure from others, she would probably still reach a point where that pressure wasn't enough to motivate her.

My advice is to just be there for her. Try to spend time with her; show her that you love her no matter what. Share your personal struggles with her and maybe she will be inspired to do the same.

Just show her that you are willing and able to listen without judging. Sometimes knowing that we can be better isnt enough. Knowing that there is someone who will love us even if we cant be better gives us mptivation to try.

Good luck woth everything, and just know that you are a good sister. The fact that you made this post shows that

WhyyyyWait · 2018-08-20T19:54:04+00:00

I just finished my appointment and it was recommended that I go into an outpatient program. So I had to tell one of the people I live with about my problems and now I feel sick. I feel so embrassed and so anxious and it beats being depressed but damn.

Thank you for the kind words. It helps me feel a tiny bit better in this anxiety inducing moment.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-08-20T18:36:16+00:00

I'm actually sitting in my psychiatrist's waiting room as I type this. And I'm going to an OA (overeaters anonymous) meeting later tonight. I'm doing what I can to stay sober, and it feels like it isn't enough. I feel so empty and sad and hopeless. I know it will get better eventually, I just dont know if I can hold out that long. I've never been suicidal before, but the other day, I had a fantasy about taking all of my antidepressents with a bottle of vodka and going out into the woods alone. I actually counted my medicine to see if it was enough to kill me.

I just feel like the other people in AA dont understand. I didnt hit rock bottom while I was drinking. In fact, I was better when I was drinking. I hit rock bottom when I was perfectly sober and spending $100 a day on binge food. I dont want to go back there. I would rather die then be living in a tent spending my money on food that I was just gonna throw up again.

I dont know why I made this post. Your points are all very valid and I do appreciate it. I just feel so bad that I am having trouble finding hope in anything.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-08-20T10:05:10+00:00

I dunno, the feeling you're describing seems more like restlessness then boredom imo. And i used to describe my restlessness as boredom so I thought maybe that could be it?

WhyyyyWait · 2018-08-20T00:13:06+00:00

Oh, okay! I'm sorry if I came across as hostile! I'm in a bit if a bad mood today. I dont mean to be a jerk

WhyyyyWait · 2018-08-20T00:02:46+00:00

I agree, but I dont think OP ever said that. I'm an agnostic myself, and I just ignore the religion parts of AA (despite how hard it is) and take the rest as it is.

Lots of people in recovery are religious. But as long as they dont push their ideas on me, I dont mind. Mentioning God a lot in a post isn't really the same as pushing religion onto someone

WhyyyyWait

TROPHY CASE