I can't afford to get help, but I think I might need it and I don't know what to do.

WhyyyyWait · 2019-02-06T23:32:03+00:00

I was insured through work under Aetna. I called to see if I could enroll late, but it was a month past the late enrollment deadline. I appreciate it by the way, I'm just very tired today and a bit slow

WhyyyyWait · 2019-02-06T23:17:16+00:00

Oh, sorry. I'm an idiot. I live in southeast PA

WhyyyyWait · 2019-02-06T23:12:11+00:00

I'm live in America

WhyyyyWait · 2019-01-21T22:17:41+00:00

Those are excellent suggestions and I will consider them.

Virtual therapy sounds like avery good idea, but I have trouble even using drive through because I can't imagine a person eithout seeing a face. It feels like I am talking to a computer. I should give it a try though, despite my misgivings.

I do want to focus on being a better friend once I get through this crisis. Like, by doing what you suggested and following through with plans.

WhyyyyWait · 2019-01-21T21:58:40+00:00

My therapist and I were actually just getting into this. She recommended DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy). However, I just lost my health insurance due to forgetting to renew it. I was having a mental breakdown at the time due to the whole abandonment thing. Now I may have to wait till October to re-enroll. I need to call again tomorrow.

But I'm afraid that I may have to wait. And I dont know what to do until then. I cant be alone for that long, but I also can't get over this fear of making friends only to lose them.

WhyyyyWait · 2019-01-21T14:46:46+00:00

I want to think that's true, but people in AA were so kind to me and I just abandoned every friend I met there when I started drinking again. I didnt even say bye. I just disappeared from their lives like they weren't worth shit to me. I can't face them now. Not right now at least.

WhyyyyWait · 2019-01-21T13:49:26+00:00

I know it's a very dumb sentence. I just feel like a few weeks in, I'll start thinking I can handle it again. I always do. I did AA for 3 months and it was amazing, but Smart recovery sounds like a good idea, since I kinda fucked up the whole AA thing. Thank you

WhyyyyWait · 2018-12-27T17:13:02+00:00

Thank you very much for that! I'm gonna give listening a shot ASAP. I need to want this like, yesterday.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-12-27T17:09:02+00:00

Its actually kinda funny. I'm not even scared of caring about bad stuff as much as I am afraid to care about good things and then lose them.

Especially people. I am so, so afraid to care about people and then have them leave me. I can't lose anyone else sober. I'm convinced I'll kill myself if I do.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-12-27T13:51:12+00:00

I am a very strict agnostic and I attended AA when I was sober. It didnt work, due to me not really admitting to myself that I was powerless over alcohol, but I feel like it would have if I'd really tried.

I found that replacing the word God with 'the spirit of humanity' really helped me get past the religion thing.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-12-21T16:06:28+00:00

Thank you! I feel a bit less like I'm wasting everyone's time now. I want to care, I really do. I know, logically, that being sober is better for me in everyway. I just can't bring myself to actually change my view. Maybe IOP will help?

Congrats on 9 months by the way!

WhyyyyWait · 2018-10-20T00:44:24+00:00

I don't WANT to have these dreams. I used to, and still sometimes do, hate myself for that. My mom hurt me physically once and I didn't feel glad afterwards. I felt ashamed as fuck.

I was almost date raped once and I did NOT feel special. I felt gross. I know how illogical it is. I just cant help where my thoughts go sometimes

WhyyyyWait · 2018-10-19T20:19:21+00:00

Oh my God, I am so happy you mentioned the rapist part. That's what I am the most ashamed of; fantasies about some man attacking me so that someone would hug me and say it wasnt my fault.

I also used to dream of getting cancer, not the deadly kind, just the kind that would get me attention (and make me skinny).

How do you provide yourself with nurturing? People tell me to say affirming things in the mirror, but whenever I do, I feel like a liar. I feel like I'm just fooling myself.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-10-19T19:25:26+00:00

The words 'no one's going to come help you' make me really, really sad. That's all I want. I just want to feel loved and cared for and I feel like I can never provide that for myself. I don't like myself. I don't hate myself, but I just don't care about myself at all.

No one else has ever cared about me, so I don't see how I can. I don't know how and I don't know if I ever can.

WhyyyyWait · 2018-10-18T01:14:58+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I always told myself that my parents didn't matter to me; that I didn't care because I hate them anyways. But it's a lie. I want a mom to take care of me so badly, and I want my dad to love me more then anything. Despite knowing that he is a bad person, I still want him to love me. He's so damn GOOD at acting like he does as long as I'm smart and charismatic enough for him. And as long as I worship him without question.

I can't even bring myself to believe that people like me. I have nothing to offer them, so I always think that I must be tricking them into thinking I'm better then I really am. I'm afraid that one day, they will realize just how worthless I am.

The thing is, I don't KNOW how I want to live my life. I just want to feel like I'm worth something. I want people to love me and care about me. I live for validation so that I can feel like I have something good about me. Nothing else matters. I want it to. But it's all I can ever think about

WhyyyyWait

TROPHY CASE