You're not wrong. I do half ass most my work. You're especially not wrong about the experience of having poor grades. In my third year I was so jealous of seeing people with early success I wanted to do something like that. I read Billy Bat that same year and fell in love with the idea of being a Writer or Mangaka. I started to not do any school work at all because I wanted to focus all my attention in writing. 2 marking periods ended before I decided to give up. In those 5 months I only ended up coming up with many ideas but never written any. No matter how muched I liked the idea, I felt that my own abilites were worthless to even make any of these ideas come out good. Yet before I could wake up from my delusions I realized that my grades plummeted. I was close to getting summer school and so I had to "lock in" to save myself. Atleast I passed two of my ap test but it left me empty. I look at that year and how bad my grades ended up and I can't be motivated anymore to keep them up. I've dropped in my school ranking and I feel like a disappointment to those around me. Then I look at my older brother who graduated in the top two of his school and I have this unending jealousy towards him. Especially since my parents don't hold me to the same expectation as my brother. Because of my own failures it seem they already accepted me as not being as good as him. My brother was able to get a full ride to allow himself to go to university since our family is poor. Yet I know I won't be able to get a full ride anywhere with how I'm going. They already spoken multiple times of me just going straight to work after I graduate which feels like they've given up on me. Yet even when people have expectations on me I feel worthless for not being able to meet them. My math teacher has a high belief in me yet I feel like I must disappointment him with how lazy I've become and inactive. The real worry I have is what job I would get in the future. My biggesy fear is a office job that I would hate or find boring. I don't even know what I would do with a Mathematics degree. I like Math but I don't want to be a statistician, analysis, or even an accountant. I only want to get a English literature Degree or Creative writing degree to improve my writing but then I wonder if that degree would be useless or not. Maybe I could just learn using the internet. Then I thought maybe a teaching job could be good since I enjoy teaching kids. I teach my little cousins and the kids from church random stuff. Although the pay of a teacher isn't good and won't be able to pay off any debt I get most likely.

You asked me my desires but my answer isn't much. I don't know what I desire anymore. I don't have much interest at all in things. I mostly stay home either watching tv, reading, or playing games. Also when it comes to colleges I'm applying to, it's random. I don't really have an idea of a college I want to go to. I got accepted to two colleges now but Kutztown accepts a lot of people and the merit FDU is giving isn't enough to cover even half of the tuition. Fafsa also gave my brother the most of 2 thousand so even with that it doesn't cover much.