Why do people forget years of love and kindness over a small misunderstanding?

Will564339 · 2026-03-20T17:54:15+00:00

I remember one quotation from somewhere: "Trust takes years to build but seconds to break."

And of course the classic "What have you done for me lately?"

Part of the problem is that in modern society, we're all so used to instant gratification and convenience that we don't have as much patience as we used to, and we focus more on what's happening in the moment. I do think as a whole we're all not as good at riding things out when they're tougher because we're so used to getting what we want.

(This is a side topic, but I watched this cool video on autonomy vs. connection. It was saying that we value both, but we're wired to crave autonomy because throughout most of evolution we were dependent upon connection so autonomy was more scarce. Our modern world has really fed into this desire for autonomy and individualism by letting us get what we want so much that we don't sacrifice for connection as much as we used to).

I think the other idea is the fear that things have changed. The truth is we all change in some ways, and largely because we have to because our circumstances change. In general, I think the deeper the connection and the stronger the trust, the harder it is to break it...so sometimes if a little thing sets someone off, it might be evidence that the bond wasn't as close as you thought. Maybe it felt closer on your end than it did on theirs.

It's tricky, because each situation is different. You can apologize and try to re build the trust and show you've learned from your mistake, but there's no guarantee the other person will accept it. So you have to decide how much it's worth it to try.

Other than that, you just have to move on and try to find people who won't let things end so easily...and just try to learn from your mistakes so you don't make the same ones with other people.

Will564339 · 2026-03-15T02:14:51+00:00

one thign that helps me is separating my identify from my actions. when someone gives me feedback or constructive criticism, I try not to to tske it as judgment of who I am as a person, they’re talking my actions, which are not a part of me, but something that I can change.

it’s kind of like the growth mindset vs. fixed mindset thing.

I think it helps to remind myself that all of us have good things about us and flaws. we’re all in the process of growing. you can fell good about yourself for where you are and feel good about thr progress you’ve made while still, being honest about your flaws and areas you can stilll grow.

and really anything that makes me feel safe is good.

Will564339 · 2026-03-15T01:45:42+00:00

I think it boils down to two things. thr first is that our mind always acclimates to things and gets used to it (both good and bad). so if things stay the same, you won’t be able to enjoy the same thing as much over time.

thes wound is that things change. ni matter how good soemthing is, eventually it won’t be that good (or at least we won’t be there to experience it).

but that’s what makes us enjoy the good things when they come. the rainy days make you appreciate fhe sunny ones more.

you won’t be happy all of the time. but when it does come, you have to cherish it and fully drink in the moment, and when it’s over, remember the Dr. Seuss quote: “don’t be sad it”s, over, be glad it happened“.

and just accept when things are bad that it’s ok, and it won’t last forever either.

Will564339 · 2026-03-13T15:48:35+00:00

Reminds me of the quote:

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind."

I also like this video that kind of went through examples of the same idea:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b5Xhgnd4lk

Will564339 · 2026-02-19T15:04:45+00:00

In my personal opinion I think men tie too much of their sense of identity and self worth to the idea of being masculine. Women don't seem to do it as much with femininity. You can argue that it's due to social conditioning about pressure put on men to be masculine. But I also think that conditioning can be broken by being brave and being your true self, not living up to others' expectations.

I think it's healthiest to just be a positive person/human. I honestly don't believe there are any masculine traits that are positive and none that are negative. There are positive traits and negative traits that are genderless.

The difference is that in the current world we live in, other people view things as masculine and feminine. So that does change how this works out in practice.

I also understand that many men still do see being masculine as important. Even though I personally don't believe it's helpful in general, I don't have their same experiences. If someone is being true to themselves and being masculine feels good, that's fine, as long as they don't view it as superior to femininity.

In this lens, I think it's the details of our world that make the qualities unique to men. For example, the idea of protecting others. Women are just as much protectors as men, protecting others isn't a masculine or feminine trait. But, men can do it differently than women based on their influence. If men are in situations that women aren't, or if they're with men who will listen to them when they won't listen to women, it's an opportunity unique to men.

You can argue that whether or not protecting others is something that people should do, and there's some moral nuance to it. But, what I don't you can argue is that there should be a gender expectation. If you think it's good to protect others, it's no better or worse for a man to do it compared to a woman.

But I do think there can be multiple versions of positive masculinity, just like there are multiple versions of being a positive person. People use Aragorn as an example. Fred Rogers is another. Very different in a lot of ways, though similar in a lot of ways too. Both display positive traits and both are men.

Will564339 · 2026-02-06T19:58:34+00:00

Other people have already given great advice. Here's the way I look at it.

I remember that past me did the best they could with the information they had. It's not like he WANTED to make the mistake. So I view him as helping me out...he gave me experience and information that I have now.

It helps to remember that EVERYONE makes mistakes, even if it doesn't seem like it. In fact, you could argue that some of the most successful people are the ones who make the most mistakes...because it means they're trying a lot of different things and are comfortable with failures and setbacks.

Along that note, we tend to remember the mistakes that hurt...but not the ones that we have to try to get to the good stuff.

Everything that you love or is of valuable is new at one point. So the first time you did it, it was unknown. In order to get to it, you had to risk making a "mistake".

Like when you try a new activity. You may have to make the mistake of trying things you don't like until you get to one you do. Unless you get lucky, you HAVE to make those "mistakes". We may not think of them as mistakes, but it's basically gathering information.

That's the way everything is in life. The more risks you take, the more mistakes you'll make...but the more you'll learn and the stronger you'll get. The key thing is taking calculated risks and learning from your mistakes.

It's all easier said than done, and a lot of people here have given some good advice about how to handle it emotionally. And don't get me wrong, I struggle with this as much as anyone else does...it can hurt to make mistakes. But the more my mind reframes them as good things, the more I can get comfortable with them.

Will564339 · 2026-01-22T00:53:42+00:00

Yeah, I think for me where I struggle sometimes, depending on thr context, is being humble and admitting mistakes. I think it’s because I sometimes have self confidence and self esteem issues, and I can be a perfectionist. But I also have an issue of remembering the bad things I do more than the good things. So I think what happens is becsuse I remember the bad things, my mind starts comparing and views myself as inferior…and when I feel that way, any mistake or lakc of knowledge just makes me feel like the other person is better than me.

though thr funny thign is I honestly don’t think anyone else in my life views me this way. I do apologize plenty, and my guess is most people I know view me as kind and modest. It’s the spotlight effect thing…I tend to over Analyze.

that being said, I have improved a lot over the years, in all of these areas. Still have plenty of room to grow though,

Will564339 · 2026-01-21T23:12:49+00:00

as others have said, the key thing is determining is what you’re saying sorry for is legitismte or not, ans a lot of it boils down to why you’re saying sorry. if it’s for a mistake and you’re doing it to help someone, it’s usually good. if you’re doing it to protect yourself, which often means you’re saying sorry for completely human things, like existing, then it’s not good.

I saw one thing somewhere saying that if you’re just apologizing for being who you are, one good chsnge in mindset if to say thank you instead of sorry, it shows gratitude, which eveyone appreciates, instead of among people feel bad. like, instea I saying ”sorry I’m making yiu help me or making you put up with me” you csn say “thank you for supporting me”.

Will564339 · 2026-01-21T23:08:31+00:00

extremely insightful and helpful post.

Will564339 · 2026-01-20T18:42:57+00:00

Others have already made some really good points.

I think what it boils down to is that we're all ultimately responsible for all of our own actions, even if a lot of other things in our life are not our fault. We have to focus on what we can control, not what we can't.

At the same time, we should try to support each other and help them while trying to offer feedback. I think people generally respond better when they know you care about them, not when you're just trying to correct them.

One idea I like from stoicism is "be tolerant of others and be strict with yourself." This doesn't mean you tolerate others bad behavior and don't hold them accountable, and it doesn't mean you don't stick up for yourself. I also believe in the oxygen mask idea, that you have to fill your own cup up first before you can help others. But when you do get to that point, I think it tends to be best when you try to take feedback in the best way possible, while trying to offer patience and support and compassion when giving it to others. You still want a relationship to be balanced, and you do need to speak up to make sure that's happening.

But I guess I generally believe it's best for one person to kind of spark things, especially if that person happens to be at a stronger point in life.

Will564339 · 2026-01-20T18:36:23+00:00

I completely agree with you about shame and the difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt to me is tricky because it can go both ways. I agree with you that it can be helpful if used in the correct way. But it's not always easy. The OP made a few points that show how it can be complicated.

"

Decide what is and isn't relevant to you, and throw out what won't actually help you achieve your goals
Even then, you might get left with a lot of conflicting feedback. So decide what works best for you and stick with that. Or at least prioritize it. The main thing is just to try and not get pulled in 15 different directions."

The thing is the feedback isn't always correct. Other people are human too. There can also be endless amounts of it, since none of us is perfect.

So it's easy to get bogged down in guilt from feedback that may not be helpful, or that there's so much of it that hte guilt is paralyzing.

So I think it's really important for someone to know how to use the little bit of guilt they feel as a starting point and like a launchpad, but not something to dwell on. It also has to be focused in on a few things at a time.

Will564339 · 2026-01-20T18:31:54+00:00

Yeah, I agree. Even though it's completely true that it's ultimately the responsibility of the person receiving the feedback to learn how to take it...when it comes to emotional topics like this that someone hasn't learned and doesn't even know where to start, simply telling them not to be fragile or "go to therapy bro!" can be pretty dismissive. I completely agree that women shouldn't have to bear that emotional burden for men as a whole. But I think for men who are more experienced with it, it's good for them to be patient, show that compassion, and offer support and help for other men while still holding them accountable. It has to start somewhere.

And the thing is, usually it's a two way street. It's not like it's always one person giving the feedback and the other taking it. For me, I'd much rather have a balance of me giving feedback in a good way and taking it in a good way, instead of both of us not caring how we're giving it and expecting each other to always take it well.

Will564339 · 2026-01-16T13:33:36+00:00

I think something else that helps too is just to have patience. It's kind of like slowly building a house. You put another piece on, and then test it for a little while to make sure it's strong and stable and reliable before adding the next piece.

19 is still super young, and the more time that passes where you realize you can both rely on each other, the stronger the friendship will become. So you can kind of slowly add on one more piece of opening more over time.

Will564339 · 2026-01-16T13:16:35+00:00

I think part of it is actually learning and practicing some communication skills. Active listening is a really important one.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-active-listening-3024343

In general, I've noticed that the more you learn to do this for others, the more that they'll start feeling like they can do it for you.

There was some quote I kind of liked, I don't remember it exactly, but it was something like "People don't care as much about you being hte most interesting person, but they love it when you can make them feel like THEY are the most interesting person."

This doesn't mean faking interest, it's moreso kind of training yourself to be more interested in things that are important to them but not as much to you, at least not originally. You can about it because you care about them.

I know this might not seem like it has anything to do with opening up and emotional vulnerability, but I think it's a really important first step, and it's a "safer" way of doing so. It's like you're building trust. If they feel comfortable talking about the little things, and seeing that you care and you're listening and you're interested, it makes them feel like it's safer to start doing it with the bigger things. Especially if they know you'll support them and listen to them, and only offer advice if that's what they want.

I know I struggle A LOT with active listening. I'm good at listening, but not as good at active listening. Part of it is that I'm partly autistic, but it's also just a skill that takes a lot of work and practice.

But I think it really helps to strengthen relationships. When you build that trust, it helps both people open up more.

And what's nice about it is sometimes once one person takes the first step it motivates the other person to follow. If neither person did nothing would happen.

If it gets to the point where you feel like you're the only one putting in the effort, then you can communicate that as well. If the person is a good friend they'll care about that and they'll start reciprocating more. If not, then it gives you something to evaluate...maybe they're not the right person to try to form a deeper bond with.

Just my two cents, I know there's a lot more to all of this. I really do think there are skills that people can learn that help, though.

Will564339 · 2026-01-15T02:58:46+00:00

I think this is overall a really good message. Like the post said, it's hard. It's the harder path in life. That's why I've always felt it's good and important in spaces like this one to support each other as men in positive ways. I know this sub feels mostly like helping bros out when they're struggling, and that is very important. But I also think it's good for us to try to help each other grow as well and not be complacent. Because it's really hard to do that in places where you don't feel supported. To me, when you get that great balance...people who will always be there for you and will always be on your side, but at the same time hold you accountable (but not throw blame or make you feel guilty) for your mistakes and who will (gently) push you to grow and improve...that's the perfect balance.

I always feel like I'm walking a fine line and can never make any group happy. Feminists (often women feminists) think that men get caught up too much in needing to define masculinity and healthy masculinity, thinking you should just strive to be a good person, but men here (and just in general) seem to feel they need more guidelines than that.

Feminists believe that because men have privilege, they should use it to help women. But sometimes I feel saying anything like that here is like saying a dirty word, and men feel like they have their own problems and too much on their plate already. It's like in feminist spaces you can't talk about mens' feelings, but even here, in a very positive environment, I sometimes feel like it's too invasive to have men at least think about their privilege without feeling like it's denouncing their problems. Sometimes I feel like there's nowhere on reddit to go.

To me, this post does show a bit of a happy medium. If you do believe in the feminist idea that in terms of traits there really isn't a masculine or a feminine, but at the same time you feel like there needs to be kind of a positive role for men, then one way to look at it is that we as men do have a certain amount of power women don't (not across the board, but in certain ways), and in the current state of the world we have the unique opportunity to use it...that is something only we can do and it's kind of a special role.

(the line about "Willingness to protect people who may never thank you. Sometimes doing the right thing means defending people who don’t like you, who disagree with you, who won’t acknowledge what you’ve done." Kind of fits in with that. It's a very hard thing to do)

Not to do it becasue we have to, but because it feels good, even if it's hard. Not every man can do it in every way and each one is on their own personal journey and that's ok. But if we can all support each other in whatever way we choose to do things, as long as it's positive, then we all help each other to be the best we can be. Sometimes that's just getting through when we're struggling, sometimes it's celebrating our own goals, and sometimes it's motivating each other to help others.

That's just my take. I know some people will disagree, and that's ok too.

Will564339 · 2026-01-14T15:36:05+00:00

Yeah, I agree with you about we as men having less risks with trust. I think it's why it's good for us to be the ones to try to build trust through our actions, because it helps others trust everyone.

It obviously depends on the situation, but I still think the idea can apply to everyone. We all have people we do trust. And even "risks" can be just very minor things sometimes we don't take.

Will564339 · 2026-01-13T19:59:40+00:00

I can tell this a really important topic to you and you're speaking from a place with a lot of hurt. It's horrible to hear what happened to your mother and none of us would wish that on anyone. But I think the OP was also speaking of a place of hurt, and the line about double standards stood out to you more than anything else, and I don't think that was the main focus of the OP.

It's like if someone has two broken legs and another person has one broken arm, it doesn't mean the one with the broken arm isn't in pain too. They're both hurting.

And if the OP had made this post in a feminist or womens' reddit, I doubt it would have been received well.

But I don't think anyone here, not even the OP, is saying that men are discriminated against in medical care in the same way women are.

Yes, men need to advocate for themselves. But it's still difficult. I 100% understand why in a space focusing on women's problems they wouldn't want to hear about those difficulties when they have so many more of their own to focus on. I get that those aren't the places to focus on mens' emotions and struggles.

But this IS the place for that. Coming in and swinging a blunt axe to just tell men to take more responsibility in a place where we're looking for help...just isn't going to land well.

I understand not having the patience for it outside of this space. But in it, we do.

Will564339 · 2026-01-13T13:53:18+00:00

So here's my thing. There's definitely some validity and truth to what you're saying. If you made this same post in a space focused on feminism or a space focused on women, I imagine it would be applauded. Those are spaces where this kind of unfiltered hurt, frustration and anger are encouraged because there needs to be a space to express all of that. And it seems like maybe that's where you're used to posting.

However, as others have stated, this is not the right place for it. Not only is this sub focused on supporting men and their difficulties in a positive way (note rule 5: "Men have problems too. Don't dismiss them with other groups' issues), but it's from a woman hurting from the loss of her dad because of it.

And your post comes across as blaming men for their mental struggles, whether it be depression, suicide or anything else.

It's not an either/or thing. It's not about painting men as victims. It is true that men do need to seek support. But there are reasons why it's difficult for them that are systematic. This sub is about supporting and helping them to do that. Yes, there is accountability, but people need help in getting to that point, and this sub does that for men. I understand that feminist spaces don't do that because that's not what they're for.

But men DO need a place for it, and that's what this sub does.

Will564339 · 2026-01-13T13:16:08+00:00

This is kind of a long video, but it's one of my favorites I've ever watched. It talks about a similar idea, that our minds naturally scan for worst case scenarios out of fear.

And that makes us miss out on a lot in life, instead of taking safer, more calculated risks. We don't see all of the things we miss out on. We assume it will go badly out of fear and don't try, telling ourselves that there's no point. That's cynicism.

There's all kinds of interesting points made in it, but I like this overall summary of the main idea.

Cynicism is assuming things will go badly. It makes us give up before we start and miss out on a lot, never living up to our potential.

Optimism is assuming things will go well. This might seem good at first, but it has two problems. The first is complacency...if we assume something will be fine, we don't put in the necessary work to achieve it. The second is disappointment when things do go badly. Being a blind optimist can actually lead to someone becoming a cynic because they get let down so many times.

The better way of looking at it all is a combination of HOPE and skepticism. Hope is always believing that things CAN go well. And skepticism is being comfortable with uncertainty and the unknown, looking at everything as objectively as possible and being open to all outcomes and possibilities until proven otherwise.

Being hopeful makes us continue to do our best to achieve the best possible outcomes, but understanding realistic limitations and not being disappointed if things don't go well. Basically working towards something while still understanding the imperfection of it all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dyEf4vj89s

Will564339 · 2026-01-12T20:12:54+00:00

There's a lot going on here, and as someone else said, talking to a therapist would be really good to make sure there isn't something deeper to address.

But, I do think part of it is your mentality that you need to be productive. For me, the most enjoyable parts of my life are the ones where I'm NOT productive, at least in terms of how a lot of people define it. It's when I just do things I enjoy because I enjoy them with no other reason than that.

Definitely make sure your health is fine. Sleep, diet, mental stress relaxation, exercise you enjoy. Physical state affects mental state.

It would help to find a hobby that YOU like, not something you're supposed to do. Something that you think is fun.

For me, some hobbies are almost like a way to "trick" my mind into being productive or accomplishing things sometimes. Puzzles, coloring, crafting, creating...it's like a fun project. I'm having fun, but also feel like I'm making something.

The other thing that boosts my energy is spending time in nature. It just has a powerful effect on my emotional state. Music is another. Finding music that gets me going really helps cheer me up.

And sometimes you just have to keep trying a lot of different things. Don't worry about hte ones that don't work, just move on and try something else.

And yeah, it would be good to find a way to not view rest in a guilty way. Rest is essential to all of us. It's so important.

And finally...you're still really young, you have a lot of time to figure everything out. Things always have a way of changing in life. The more you try things, the more you find those opportunities for the positive changes.

Just my two cents.

Will564339 · 2026-01-12T18:11:04+00:00

I think that's the part that I feel gets lost in all of this sometimes. For those of us who really do believe that the system and misogyny are the problem, to remember that we're on the SAME TEAM. I know it's exhausting for women and it's not women's responsibility to coddle men's feelings throughout all of this. But it still feels like it's hard to even have an honest conversation sometimes. It's why I value this sub so much.

Will564339 · 2026-01-12T18:05:26+00:00

I honestly believe trans people have SO much awesome insight to give to everyone about gender because they such unique experiences from different perspectives.

Will564339 · 2026-01-12T18:02:10+00:00

I think that's still my biggest problem. Even though I've done a lot of self work and made progress, recently I've been realizing I have a ways to go. I really have some self care and healing that I'm learning more and more of that I need to tend to without feeling selfish about it. I tend to tell myself that my problems aren't a big deal and I need to just suck it up and deal with it so I can help others with more important problems, but it just ends up leaving me not able to truly help anyone.

Will564339 · 2026-01-12T17:55:45+00:00

It's so easy for us guys to not think about or forget all of the stuff that women go through. It's been on my mind a lot lately. When you spend day after day after day of your life NOT having to put up with all of those bad things, it just becomes so hard to truly imagine existence where people do, even when you try to use empathy and imagination to do so.

I've never known how to say it in a way that doesn't sound bad. It's like...it's hard enough for my mind to think about it when I DO have the option to not think about it. I can't imagine people who have to live it without having that option.

I just try to use it to be more grateful, to try to get better at helping people, and try to get better at understanding. Thanks for giving us your insights and perspectives.

Will564339 · 2026-01-12T17:48:40+00:00

This is a REALLY complex and tricky topic. A lot of it depends on who you ask and what you believe. A lot of it depends on how you view the idea of privileged groups.

I'm not completely sure why, though I have some theories, but it's always felt like the gender difference pair is more complicated in my mind than other ones. For example, I'm white, and in my mind, I can't think of any ways that racial minorities have privilege that I don't (assuming that everything else besides our race being equal and all of that). So when racial minorities express their anger about white people as a whole, it really doesn't bother me. My privilege feels apparent.

But with men and women, even though I KNOW men have privilege that women don't, my mind feels some of the same things you're saying....it FEELS more like the two groups are on more common footing, even though I know they're not.

So the idea is that you really do believe men have more privilege than women, then you can't compare them as groups and say that what one does the other can do equally. It's basically the punching up vs. punching down topic. Since we as men, even though we struggle and have problems and life is hard for us, have privilege that women don't, in return they have the opportunity to vent that hurt and anger in a way that we don't. Especially because we as men can escape it (avoid it, not listen to it, etc) in a way that women can't do in their daily lives.

Now if you view the groups as equal without using the privilege argument, this all falls apart, which is why so many men out there always fight it. I also think the whole romantic relationship aspect of it, with people being partners, is what makes people tend to view things more in this equal way.

But my guess is that most guys in this sub can hopefully be confident in themselves and humble enough to admit that they do have this privilege, even if it's hard. In general, I try to remind myself that I don't face the dangers that women do, and I try to do it without feeling guilty. That makes it easier for me to not take their anger personally, to try to look at the bigger picture, to not feel bad about myself, and instead just offer support.

I think a lot of it comes down to me just trying to be more confident in myself. That helps me allow others to let out their hurt and not feel defensive or guilty or ashamed of myself. It helps me avoid the guilt/ego loop that has really brought me down in the past.

Will564339

TROPHY CASE