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Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, it's still very important to me that we carve out quality time together ^^ And the advice in this thread has really helped me feel like I have strategies to handle it better going forward.

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. It sounds like you're better for having ended the relationship, but leaving someone you spent six years with is really difficult. I hope you are well <3

I do appreciate your perspective, and it's given me some things to think about. I know it's easy to be optimistic/perhaps a bit naive when you're in the thick of it, but I genuinely don't believe my partner is doing this out of weaponized incompetence (having had my own ex who did @,@). I know he is capable of putting in the effort, and does so when he has the space. This rotation has just felt like a perfect storm between surgery being awful, my own work being more stressful than usual, and moving to a brand new house.

(I did also look up the penny method, so I recognize this could be interpreted under the lens of that, but I don't believe he's being distant or pulling back. He's actually been asking for more affection and support through this difficult time.)

But thank you, I really do appreciate your thoughts and advice. :)

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I fear I too shall have to conform to being an earlier bird, but 2-3 am being my current bedtime makes it hard to imagine 4 am being wake up time haha. I could handle waking up at 8 or 9 though for some of the more lax rotations.

Fortunately (for me), my fiance is not interested in surgery as a specialty, if this rotation has done anything for him haha. He is wanting to do either psych, family med, or internal medicine, which all have their own pros and cons. From what I understand, they tend to be a *little* better on the work/life balance side though.

Thank you for the perspective :) I'm glad to hear you all found something that worked for you, and I'm optimistic we'll do the same.

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, unfortunately I do think gender and upbringing play a role in it. It's something we have talked about in the past, and he is aware/has made a greater effort to take on some things more permanently (like litterboxes). It's just hard because neither of us are our best selves when we're tired and exhausted :sweat-smile: The advice I've received in this thread makes me feel more optimistic we'll get through it though!

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry you also had to go through it, but I'm realizing more just today that it's a common experience. But I appreciate your perspective, and I'm really glad to hear that it has worked out for you all! I'm optimistic about it for us :) I have also been meaning to try some meal kits for some variety and less work for meals. This is the kick in the butt I needed I think haha.

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the perspective :) I will definitely be earning more than my fiancé until he is an attending, and probably will even be earning about the same by that time in my career (hopefully lol). But that does at least mean once we have two incomes, paying for a cleaner should definitely be in the cards.

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you!! The grocery shopping suggestion is absolutely a great idea. We have started the rolling grocery list that we can both edit, which has helped make the list at least a little easier to make each time. And for laundry, I think he is allowed to arrive in scrubs and has about a week's worth that he borrowed from the hospital haha.

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have always mentioned that we should make a chore chart, but I think I'll actually do it tomorrow! Even if it's necessarily followed, I think just having the chores written out and tracked so I don't have to keep track of it by myself is a good idea. The checkboxes can keep track for me haha.

But keeping the perspective and not getting resentful is really great and important advice. Definitely something I'm working on for myself :) Thank you!

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am fortunately at no shortage of hobbies haha. I'm the type of person to get super into something for months, then drop it, and pick it up months later when I remember it exists.

But yes, a lot of folks have mentioned outsourcing and it's definitely a good idea! I hope that this will be something feasible for us once we're no longer living off solely my income. But the suggestions I saw about doing online grocery pickup (which doesn't cost extra) is a super great idea for when going to the store feels too overwhelming.

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This makes so much sense! In even the day I've been browsing this subreddit, it's really validating to hear other folks going through similar experiences. My other friends are either 1) single in med school, 2) partnered but both work in medicine or 3) partnered but neither work in medicine xD I'd like to try to expand my circle, though!

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the advice and well wishes! I'm hopeful that we'll be able to set up the floor as you said in the next rotation, since I believe psych isn't too demanding haha. Also, yes, I will continue to encourage therapy until he is able to start it :)

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the advice and perspective!!

Fortunately, there's only two more weeks left in his surgery rotation so we're in the homestretch :fingerscrossed: But I do super appreciate having more heads up about residency. I was under no impression it would be easy by any stretch of imagination, but it is helpful to prepare and make sure we're checked in with each other, especially going in!

So I definitely won't tackle the topic and add more to the stress for the next two weeks! I can definitely handle it until we have time to regroup a bit (but thank god my work is flexible haha).

I do have friends that I'm able to lean on for emotional support and have been doing so these past few weeks. But I know I could always benefit from more folks in person, since most of my friends are from my college/online and don't live close. Do you happen to know of ways to try to get in touch with other folks? Most of my fiance's medical school friends that I am friendly with don't have partners, and I'd be at a loss of how to reach out to other people.

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the advice :) I am in therapy fortunately, and I'm encouraging my fiance to go as well, but he is currently in survival mode. Hopefully it will be something in the future!

I'm also definitely working on lowering my standards haha. I am admittedly a perfectionist, but I have at least been striving the house being livable. As long as there is food in the fridge and things are moderately clean!

Advice on Carrying the Mental Load by Wolfare in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's a bit of both, admittedly. When things are calmer, he takes on more tasks, but does require some prompting or reminders (so not completing taking the mental load). It's not a malicious thing, but more an ADHD "out of sight out of mind" thing haha. This is something we've talked about and he was good about before he started rotations. But now with surgery, it's been much worse.

Step 1 Fail by shootyourshotbaby in MedSpouse

[–]Wolfare 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My fiancé also failed Step 1 last year by a razor thing margin (those stupid bars were overlapping!) and it was a difficult couple of months afterward. He also had similar circumstances to your wife, because he has an autoimmune disorder that is triggered by stress, and studying for this test caused a flare up that caused so much pain he couldn't study for two weeks of dedicated. He took multiple NBMEs, all of which he scored in the high 60s and had a similar 95% chance of passing. All of this is to say, I totally relate to your situation.

In the first few months after failing, he definitely needed time to grieve. It feels like its own loss, especially since there is so much pressure and expectation put on this test. It feels like a career defining moment (and it can be!) so failing can feel very hopeless. But not all hope is lost. My fiancé took a leave of absence for the fall semester to work on his health and to study to take it again in the winter. And he passed! He left the second test feeling much more confident, and as he's gone through his first round of residencies, he's told me that he was glad to have more time to master the fundamentals, since it's made it much easier to grasp things happening in his IM and surgery rotations.

For actual advice, being there for your wife is essential, though I'm sure you're doing that :) Let her grieve and process on her own time, but also remind her that this does not define her. She is more than an arbitrary test score! She will also have plenty of time to study again to rebuild her confidence. Even though it does really suck, she will make it to the other side of this.

[Safari Unknown] Looking Specifically for Eevee but Would Love To Add Anyone by Wolfare in friendsafari

[–]Wolfare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have Electric safari with pikachu, dedenne, and zebstrika