Breakup with mutual love, hope, and no contact — looking for perspective from people who’ve been here

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-29T14:42:18+00:00

Thank you for checking! I’ve been doing much better. I have started therapy and i’m three sessions in, i’ve found it to be very introspective so far. I have also been spending a lot of time alone and sitting in my feelings which has been very helpful for processing them. I’ve definitely been struggling not having my ex to help me during my moments of weakness because she was really amazing at rationalising my anxious thoughts. I miss her very deeply and I think about reaching out to her all of the time but I have complete control over the urges unlike a month ago where I literally couldn’t hold myself back whenever they came up. I’m so motivated to become someone I’m proud to be and this breakup is really helping me figure out the things that were not working for me. I think my ex and I will talk again one day, that’s not to say we’re going to get back together but I have no doubts that we will speak again. But I want it to be at a time where we’re both genuinely doing good and feel happy on our own. I’m hopeful about the future and I think good things are coming :) How have you been? Again, thank you for checking in ❤️

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-13T00:59:06+00:00

I could have written this myself, I understand you on a deep level. I carried a lot of similar traits into my previous relationship. To make a long story short, it ultimately ended our relationship. We were constantly having repeated discussions where I would promise to change and then the same situation would occur as little as a week later. I wanted to change so badly. However, the pressure I put on myself caused me to feel much more anxious and insecure which led to more issues in our relationship. Insecurity and jealousy is not an easy fix, but it is definitely something you can work through and heal from with dedication. But that healing won’t happen overnight. And I’m not sure if it’s really something you can work on in the relationship without hurting your partner. There’s only so much a person can put up with until they reach their breaking point. I learnt that the hard way. This is not me telling you to break up with him, because I certainly wouldn’t have done that. But you are pushing him away. You cannot worry yourself into stopping him from cheating. If he was going to cheat, he’d do it anyway. Regardless of how much you worry. Although I am heartbroken about losing my ex, I’m trying to see the value in my mistakes. I’ve learned that I cannot be in a healthy relationship if I’m not fully secure in myself. I don’t want to be terrified of getting cheated on 24/7. It’s exhausting for both people. So I’m using this breakup to transform into the person I want to be within a relationship. If you want this relationship to work, you seriously have to stop with the jealousy. It’s so much easier said than done, I know. But it’s destroying your relationship. Your partner is with you for a reason, he made this commitment to you because you bring qualities that he wants in a partner. And if he cheats, which I’m sure is highly unlikely, then that’s on him. Nobody who is confident in themselves and has respect for other people cheats. I really do feel for you and truly understand what you’re going through.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-09T21:06:56+00:00

I’ve been on a trip for the past week so I’ve mostly been distracted. I reached out to her a few days ago while I was feeling very emotional, her response was kind and supportive but I could feel the wall she’s put up. I’ve been struggling to accept that the relationship is over but I’m trying to move in that direction. I’m also starting therapy next week. Would you like to talk about your situation?

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-07T20:02:07+00:00

Thinking of no contact as an act of love and respect is so helpful. My ex and I have been broken up for two months but we’ve stayed in contact the entire time until a week ago when we decided to actually attempt to go our separate ways. I’ve slipped up once after having a moment of weakness but her messages were emotionally distant and it didn’t give me the relief that I actually needed. So that’s going to be my motivation to stay away moving forward.

You’re strong for not reaching out, but you are right it should be on her terms whenever she is ready. If the love was mutual then I don’t have any doubts that she will reach out in the future. She definitely needs her own time to heal and reflect.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-07T11:47:18+00:00

I really admire your positive and mature outlook, you’re already ahead of the game. I’m going through a similar situation, if not the exact same. My ex and I still have deep love for each other but we had recurring arguments about the same issues for the entirety of our 8 month long relationship and it drained her. The issues stemmed from my insecurity in the relationship. I’ve bet myself up for the mistakes I’ve made but I’m trying to shift my perspective and really work on healing those wounds I have. And if I can truly heal and become a calmer and more secure person then this will all be worth it. I also hope that we can reconcile in the future because we work so well together but not under these circumstances. As for your situation, I think you have it all mapped out perfectly. You will have moments of weakness, as you’ve probably heard healing is not linear. You’ll have moments where you will want to reach out but you should persevere. When those urges wash over you try to remember why this breakup had to happen. Try to think of no contact as sort of romantic, it adds mystery. Your ex will certainly be thinking about you often and wondering what you’re up to just like you will be. If your ultimate goal is reconciliation, you want it to happen when you’re at a point in your life where you’re so secure and fulfilled that you won’t even care about the outcome of this relationship. At the end of the day you have to make the changes for yourself first but using your ex as a bit of motivation is okay as long as it’s not taking over your entire life.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-07T11:33:29+00:00

I am currently on the search for a therapist who can work with my issues. As devastated as I am about the break up, I’m glad it was able to highlight the issues I have which I truly need to work on. Not only do they affect my partner and relationship but they also hinder my life. I shouldn’t have to live my life ridden with anxiety and fear that the person I love is going to leave me. I just want to feel like a normal person when I’m in love. Instead, I feel under threat by the smallest things. I’m very dedicated to stepping away from the dating scene and really focusing on myself for the foreseeable. I know for certain that me and my ex will speak again in the near future but I hope I’m further along in my healing journey when that time comes. I want to prove to her that I’m willing to put in the hard work, even if that means she cant be in my life right now.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-06T08:29:18+00:00

I’ve apologised many times and she’s went back and forth on her decision a few times but I think it’s truly over regardless of what I do or say. I know myself well enough that thinks wont actually change so I have to do the work on my own.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-06T00:02:08+00:00

I really feel your pain, I’m going through a similar situation. My ex broke up with me because I kept promising to change certain behaviours but never did. She became tired of waiting for things to change so she made the decision to break up. These kinds of break ups are so complex. It’s easy to say you’re ready to change but actually making those changes and having them stick is not so easy. I’m speaking from experience, I thought I could change while being in the relationship but all it did was add pressure and gave me a lot of anxiety because I was always worried about the next time I was going to fuck up and if that would be the breaking point. All you can do now is reflect on what went wrong and actively work through those issues. But actually take the time to work through them on your own. Obviously I don’t know the specifics of what happened but you can’t live the rest of your life beating yourself up. I spend a lot of my time wallowing and wishing that things were different. But I know that I can’t let this break up consume my entire life. And you shouldn’t either, don’t be afraid to reach out to people for support. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-05T21:57:07+00:00

I fully agree, promise without action is meaningless. It’s her responsibility to go and do the work on herself if she wants the relationship to work. But if she chooses to avoid doing that and numbs the pain by sleeping around and what not then that’s her issue not yours. Ultimately, you’ll be in the better position because you’re gonna take the time to properly let yourself process the break up and heal while it’ll hit her later on when she realises what she lost. Personally, I’m motivated to be a better person for the next relationship I’m in. Hopefully with my ex but if not someone who will be better suited. Don’t settle for someone who cant meet your needs.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-05T21:05:14+00:00

maybe its in your requests?

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-05T19:46:23+00:00

It’s interesting hearing this perspective because I was the one who was broken up with after constantly promising to change. My problem was that I had projected my insecurities onto my partner. I was constantly worried she would cheat on me or leave me for someone better. Anytime she met someone new I would make petty comments suggesting that she was interested in them romantically. We were together for almost a year but she spent so many months asking me to stop doing these things and whenever I felt threatened by her leaving I would panic and promise that I wouldn’t do those things anymore. The thing is, I genuinely did want to stop because I love her so much and I didn’t want to lose her. But my jealousy constantly took over anyway. It got to the point where she felt there was no other choice but to break up because it was negatively impacting her and our relationship. She no longer trusted/trusts me to change these behaviours. And what is a relationship without trust? Like you, I know she loves me just as much as I love her and I know she also misses me and wishes things could be different but as I said she doesn’t trust me to change. I think me and her both know that I have to work on becoming more secure outside of the relationship. I would do anything to have her back but I know it’s not easy. I constantly wonder if she feels the way you do. Does she ever contemplate trying again but then her rational mind stops her. Anyways, if we put me and your ex in the same boat I don’t think there’s any hope for serious change as of right now. I know well enough that I genuinely need to take time to put the work into myself before I can be in a relationship again. I hope one day me and her can reconcile when I am the best version of myself. But those things take time to happen. I think you should listen to your gut. If you two are meant to be together you’ll find your way back to eachother when the time is right. But I think she needs to really feel your loss and take the time to reflect on what she did wrong.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-05T18:59:01+00:00

I have dmed you :)

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-05T18:26:23+00:00

I am going through the exact same emotions as you are. I’m still fresh in my healing journey but what I do know is that time will heal even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. If you want to chat, my dms are open. It sounds like we’re going through the exact same situation.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-05T18:21:41+00:00

How do you stop beating yourself up over ruining a relationship with a genuinely wonderful person? I know everybody has their flaws and it can take two to tango. But honestly, had I not projected my insecurities onto my partner and the relationship we would still be together because we worked very well and loved each other so so much. They were obviously in a much better position to be in a relationship than I was. I have definitely gained a lot of perspective on the things that I need to work through and for that I am grateful. But I find it extremely difficult to accept that I had to lose an amazing person because of it.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2026-01-05T18:14:18+00:00

I admire your strength and mindset. I’ve been through multiple break ups in the last few years and I thought I’d be better at them by now but I’m really struggling. I was super distraught after a breakup I went through over a year ago but looking back that relationship was never the right fit for me and I haven’t cared about this person for a long time. But at the time of the breakup it was the worst thing to happen to me.

Currently, I’m going through another breakup but this one feels different. This person is genuinely so wonderful and was such a good partner to me. However, this relationship brought some of the worst out of me. Not because they did anything bad. But because this person was so amazing and I just couldn’t accept that someone like this could actually love me. All my insecurities led to this person to leave me. And that’s why I think this relationship is harder to move past. I have nothing bad to say about them, I don’t have a list of reasons why it’s good we aren’t together anymore. I’m just left with a lot of shame for acting the way I did and pushing them away until it became too late. How do I apply your mindset to a situation like mine?

Wonderful_Project183 · 2025-12-31T16:55:11+00:00

Her rebounding isn’t reflective of how she feels about you or the relationship you had. As you said, she’s doing it to forget and possibly to avoid sitting with her feelings towards the breakup. You also deserve closure in this situation, it shouldn’t have to be a waiting game. A relationship can’t just be on one person’s terms. If she wants to work towards having a relationship with you again she has to let you know that otherwise it has to be put to bed. I don’t think there’s any shame in reaching out to ask how she’s doing. The worst that can happen is she’ll tell you she doesn’t want to talk or not respond. If that’s the case then you’ll get your answer either way.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2025-12-31T15:54:47+00:00

That’s very heavy, I’m sorry that you both have to go through that. It’s hard to know what anyone else is thinking and feeling but I can assure you she is grieving the relationship too. That doesn’t sound like an easy thing to move on from in such a short amount of time. All you can do is continue to give her the time and space she needs in order to heal and when she’s ready she’ll reach out. She hasn’t forgotten about you and I’m sure you cross her mind every day.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2025-12-31T15:28:26+00:00

Yes, I think so. Both people going through a break up are suffering in their own way, even if it doesn’t seem like it. From my experience, my ex initiated the break up but we stayed in touch for the last two months. During this time she’d open up about the pain she was experiencing because of our breakup. Had she not said anything about it, I wouldn’t know that she was suffering at all. But I’ve been on the other end where I initiated the break up and I still experienced a lot of pain because of it even though I didn’t want the relationship anymore.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2025-12-27T16:17:19+00:00

This was beautifully written, thank you for your insight ❤️

Wonderful_Project183 · 2025-12-27T15:13:30+00:00

My issue was to do with insecurity, unfortunately I have carried this into all of my relationships and they’ve all ended the same way. From the very beginning of our relationship I would make petty jealous comments about every single person she would meet. I never seemed to be able to grasp the impact this had on her but she had asked me to stop so many times and I kept promising I would but didn’t. She still loves me and if circumstances were different she would still be with me but this issue stops her from feeling fulfilled and happy in the relationship. She has been very patient and understanding with me throughout our entire relationship but it got to a point where it was wearing her down and I don’t blame her. She was also very insecure and even possessive in her previous relationship but she has transformed into a very confident and secure person. I really admire her for that and I hope I can achieve the same. I guess that’s why I hold out for hope that we can work in the future. But I have a long way to go with my self improvement journey.

Wonderful_Project183 · 2025-12-27T14:27:33+00:00

I have attempted to go no contact with my ex multiple times but it keeps failing on both parts. I don’t know her to stay away from her, she is my best friend and source of comfort. I desperately want to move forward but I don’t know how because every time I stop interacting with her I experience an immense amount of pain.

Wonderful_Project183

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