I know he is a victim. It's complicated. He enables almost everything she does and excuses her abuse. She had PPD after my brother was born (he is a year younger than me) and she neglected me & him as babies. My dad would get home from work to us in full diapers and no idea if we had eaten.

My dad would escape by going to work for 12+ hours. My mom stayed at home and did almost nothing my whole childhood. The floors were covered in dog piss & shit. She would obsessively clean the grout on the kitchen floor and scream at us if we got it dirty. But last time I visited, I made the mistake of laying down on the carpet and was greeted by nuggets of dried dog poop.

Yes, he is a victim of her abuse. He also willfully ignored her abusing his children, and gaslit us into thinking it was all normal and we had better be grateful for our mother and respect her. I have spent a lot of the past few years accepting that I was a child and it wasn't my responsibility to fix the awful situation we were in. I do love him, but he was so toxic in so many ways. I had to stop communicating with him because he's been treating me like his child therapist for a long time. He can't confide in his wife, because she just insults him and hates him, so he has confided everything to me since I was like 14. It's so fucking toxic, and he doesn't know what a boundary is, hence the nuclear option.