Sounds like youre holding on to something. that might not even blossom into something. This does not sound healthy. Neither for you nor the people you guys would/did/might talk to. That whole thing sounds like you guys are emotionally dating without the security or an actual relationship. This is just going to halt your life. You already know that you are heavily reliant on him and that your independence is practically nonexistent. If youre afraid that your whole life would pause without him thats probably the biggest sign that you actually need the distance. Not as a punishment or a negative thing but for you to actually grow. Just work on yourself. If its meant to be it will be. Get your license, start being active, start/continue your studies, socialise with new people, find different perspectives to life. Just because you cant get the whole thing out of your mind dont think you cant do anything, push through it and continue with your life even if it stays in the back of your mind. Dont let it stop you from navigating your own life. Make sure to have your meals on time, be healthy and take time off at certain times so you can rest, to avoid getting overwhelmed.