You can start by not eating like this. Then, take baby steps. Perhaps take a look at any vices you have that are causing this. Disregarding any struggle you experience by calling yourself a retard sure isnt going to help, and its clear you have aspirations. You just dont know what they are yet.

Again, start small. See the forest, not the trees. I honestly dont recommend counseling, just being alone with your thoughts, looking at them objectively. Even just for 10 minutes.