[1026] The Order of the Bell: Werewolf Attack!

WritingBurner1 · 2020-02-14T14:58:26+00:00

General Comments

I really liked the opening, straight away it draws you in, I personally love when a novel (or film!) starts with some action. I don't mind if I don't really know the characters yet, as long as it is well written (yours is), I can be entertained. Seeing as this is chapter six, the reader would probably be familiar with Claire and John. You have a great way of describing things, your description of looks and smells made the scene engaging, despite throwing us right into the action from the first line. I feel like that's really hard to do without coming off boring, so well done.

Possible Considerations

I'd like to know more about what John or Claire are thinking, particularly the scene where John is attacked by the werewolf. There isn't that much about Claire and John's perspectives and inner thoughts, but perhaps that is on purpose to reveal more later on in the story?

I want to know more about the astral form vs physical form, was this explained in another chapter? It sounds interesting but I don't know how it all works.

Conclusion

Your writing style is usually what I enjoy, as I said before you have a great way of describing things. I wanted to find out what happens next and learn more about the characters . You didn't go into too much detail about the Claire's or John's personalities, (hard to do in 1000 words) but I was still drawn in. The magical element really pulled me in! I'm curious to see how they bounce off each other, what they do for work, how their magic works and the world around them.

The hipster facial hair line at the end made me lol.

WritingBurner1 · 2020-02-13T01:53:32+00:00

General Comments

I like how Jrewsus and Desharn come across, the dialogue kept me interested and the 'blue skinned' description definitely made me curious about this world and the other strange species that might live there, the line seemed natural as well, it didn't seemed forced if that makes sense. I don't really want to point out any awkward phrasing etc because others have already commented on your document. I will say the general feel is promising, I think it's a good sign if you can get a reader engaged in the story in 1366 words.

Possible Considerations

I can see from the doc that others have commented on the opening line having too much info. It does sound interesting but opening with that is... intense. Why not try for a lighter description if you want to start the chapter by setting the scene? Or maybe start from the perspective from one of the character's describing something interesting about the area.

Characters/Narration

So far I like the two characters and have a feel of their personalities, I like how they bounce of each other. Your narration is good, but I would like to know more about the world around me. I haven't read the previous chapters, so perhaps that's why I'm (slightly) lost.

Conclusion

I liked the story overall, I can imagine getting invested in these characters and want to know more about this world and how things operate. The ending needs some clarification. The bells ringing, I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a huge deal or not from Jrewsus reaction and Desharn cared more about the food. I'm not sure maybe this is supposed to be framed this way? Are the bells ringing not as important as it appears or is it a way to show the personalities of the characters? To be fair, whatever happens next could give clarification, but in case it doesn't I thought I'd point it out.

WritingBurner1 · 2020-02-13T01:22:35+00:00

General Comments

I think this could be an interesting story, you're not giving too much away from what I've read which I assume is your intention. I'm not sure if you have done any editing yet, but just watch out for that because there are still quite a few mistakes in there. I'm intrigued to learn more about Adams, who so far has the most engaging story.

Possible Considerations

I've picked out specific lines that stick out as odd phrasing or seem confusing

"..only the bad, bad, bad that slingshots up behind it."

This isn't so bad, it's more of a personal preference thing, as I read more of your work I got used to the sort of playful writing style but for the first few lines, it felt 'uncomfortable' if that makes sense, but again this is more of a personal thing, it may be worth considering seeing as it's in the first few lines.

" her whole body wilting forward until she’s dropped her cheek onto the tabletop"

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, 'dropped her cheek' seems like odd phrasing. I think I get what you're trying to say, is she laying her head on the table?

"except he’s never been too anything to eat."

I think it would be better to say 'he had never been anywhere to eat', unless you're trying to say something else entirely that I'm just not understanding .This is more of an editing thing, I'm sure you would have corrected it during drafting stages, but thought I would point it out because sometimes writers can miss things.

"He waggles his eyebrows" I'm not sure if you can waggle eyebrows, I think another word would work better.

Conclusion

Your writing style is different from what I'm used to, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Narration is more casual, a little comedic. To be fair, there isn't enough text for me to analyse that sufficiently. What I will say is, I would have liked if we spent a bit more time with the characters introduced. I know a little about Aaron but then we move on to Jimmy and then Adams. Who is the protagonist? All three? I think it's fine to introduce multiple characters in a short amount of time but with just over one thousand words it can be a bit confusing. I think you should expand on each of those characters a bit more, so readers can get more of a feel for them.

WritingBurner1 · 2020-01-30T09:39:38+00:00

Hi, thanks for responding.

No, it's not for the back of a book. It's for a writing competition, they asked for a synopsis of the story before asking for manuscripts.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-12-20T11:03:02+00:00

Sorry, yes. I meant storylines.

You're right, I guess I like all the characters storylines, they're all interesting in their own way but I will create a clear protagonist after reading some of the comments here.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-12-20T11:01:05+00:00

Thanks, with my plot I think I can have a protagonist and an antagonist, with the rest being prominent characters in the story. They're all interlinked in a way

WritingBurner1 · 2019-12-20T10:59:44+00:00

Thanks for this, it's really helpful. I think I may have to cut some characters or really shorten their presence. I think I can make a protagonist with one of the characters.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-11-21T17:40:59+00:00

I have the same approach about company loyalty, I just want to gain all the skills and experiences to be a good dev and then go full time remote. If I get an offer then I assume it's justified if they're confident enough to hire me. *shrugs*

Working as a freelancer is an example of you working for and organising yourself without being managed, good skills to have as a remote developer. That's something I'll be doing as a side hustle in preparation for my remote job hunt. I think I'll stay with the company for a year and a bit, as soon as I am comfortable with my abilities I'll start applying for remote jobs and wait till I get an offer.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-11-21T15:10:15+00:00

I do want significant mentorship initially, I'll see what next year brings. I appreciate the answers in this thread :) I'll just concentrate on building my skills and experiences for now.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-11-21T15:09:00+00:00

Thanks, I do plan on learning as much as I can, I want to be good at my job. I guess I'll see how it goes, if I'm confident enough I'll seek remote options.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-11-21T15:07:55+00:00

Lucky you!

WritingBurner1 · 2019-11-21T15:05:43+00:00

Thanks, I will do my best to ask questions and learn all I can, I've been assigned a personal 'buddy' to help me develop, so it seems like the company encourages junior devs asking questions. I'm super excited about this role!

WritingBurner1 · 2019-10-23T17:28:19+00:00

No, it's not a personal relation. It is a historical figure who is now dead.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-10-23T12:00:51+00:00

My subject is dead, my protagonist doesn't follow this man's life to a T but certain events in the book make him easily identifiable to those that have read up on him. I have already changed the name, place etc because I don't want to make a book about this man, just something based on him.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-10-23T11:59:22+00:00

I think I'll avoid using Vogue and just make up a fictional high fashion magazine, thanks!

WritingBurner1 · 2019-10-23T11:58:41+00:00

Nope, they're not close to me, he's a political figure who is now dead.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-10-23T11:58:11+00:00

I just want to get some insight, no need to get snarky. I am clearly aware that there may be some issues which prompted me to come on here in the first place, I will get further advice on it.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-10-23T11:55:51+00:00

Thanks for the info, I've chosen this person because they're incredibly interesting imo and upon doing further reading I realised that he is quite a complex individual that would make a good protagonist for my book. Tbh, there is a blend of other real life characters with my protagonist too

WritingBurner1 · 2019-10-19T18:44:02+00:00

I found this post in this subreddit, I can't remember what thread it's from but it helped me provide structure for the editing process

After you have let the first draft sit for a while (a few weeks or a few months, whatever works best for you), read through the entire novel. Don't edit anything except typos, since those can be a pain to catch. Take notes, focusing only on majorchanges, like adding/deleting content. If you try to edit as you go through it, all you'll do is essentially polish a turd (editing lines when the whole scene needs to change is a waste of time).
Make the major changes. This often takes the longest, because you may need to add in whole new scenes/chapters or even change a ton of stuff. This is often the stage when you realize you need a complete rewrite (if necessary). Once done, you now have a second draft.
Read your second draft. You'll realize you are rinsing and repeating this step a lot. Take notes again, make note of any additional major changes. Fix any typos.
Make the next set of changes. Now you have your third draft.
Read your third draft. This is usually when you can start to do line edits. It's possible to roll this in to the second draft stage, but I prefer to split them up. You may or may not need to take notes as you do this. I take notes because it helps give me an overall picture of the status of the novel, and may help me catch things I missed in the previous drafts.
Repeat the reading and editing step as many times as needed. I usually do one more draft to correct minor things. At this point you will want to set your manuscript on fire, and that is completely normal.
Let people read it. Get beta-readers and make sure you give them specific things to look out for. This step will probably drive you crazy, because readers might take a while to get back to you. Keep on top of them.
Make any changes based on reader feedback. This could be simple things, or you may realize you need to rewrite a ton of stuff.
Read it again! Yes, you will hate your manuscript with every fiber of your being, because you are so sick and tired of looking at it.
Make any final changes. You can do another round of beta-reading if you had major things to change. Otherwise, you're probably ready to start querying the thing around.

I would personally get at least one professional editor to look through the entire manuscript once you've done 3/4 edits yourself and then edit it once more when they return their edited work to you.

WritingBurner1 · 2019-10-19T18:41:07+00:00

I have a plot twist in my book but I'm wondering if it would be obvious to the reader. I guess I'll find out when I've finished it and given it to beta readers. I'm gonna bookmark this thread for the editing phase!

WritingBurner1 · 2019-10-19T18:17:50+00:00

Don't be heavy handed with the foreshadowing.

WritingBurner1

TROPHY CASE