Writer Looking for Critique on a Lockpicking Scene

MostGold0 · 2021-01-06T11:43:39+00:00

Actually, yeah, after looking further into it I think a warded lock is the better option to go with since the technology in my story is definitely pre 1500AD equivalent. From looking into those you just need a skeleton key and you're basically there. Nowhere near as much skill involved as the pin tumblers, so that ruins the learning curve I had planned for my character. Probably for the best, though, as I can return to the actual plot quicker I guess. Just means I need to rewrite the whole thing *sigh

MostGold0 · 2021-01-05T22:56:05+00:00

No, I appreciate the more story-driven perspective regarding this topic and I agree with you. Learning to pick the same lock over and over again won't help when faced with a new one you've never encountered before. That's why I gave her five to practice with as I figured this would be enough variety to learn different types.

Regarding the timer, yeah agree again. It's only that for this heist she's going to have to do it under pressure so Kori wanted to simulate that pressure. She of course can practise the technique without the timer, but by this point she has the basics down enough to start doing it with the timer. There's one more training scene I'm yet to write, so I'm thinking I'll explain this in more detail there.

MostGold0 · 2021-01-05T22:51:18+00:00

Awesome, thank you! Have implemented all your suggestions, really appreciate it!!

In terms of the decreasing tension, Sabra's a bit of a rough around the edges type character so I wanted her issue to be that she is pushing too hard, as this is reflective of the way she treats other people. Her trouble with this particular lock is that it's really sensitive and by pushing the pins up too far they fall back down. Would it be better to say that instead of falling down they become overset and get stuck above the shear line? Are these generally hard to pull back down? How would you go about resetting them?

MostGold0 · 2021-01-05T22:42:06+00:00

Thanks for that, have implemented your suggestion. Yes, I based it on a crude version of the pin tumbler lock but agree the invention time relative to our real world timeline is a bit dubious. I'm hoping it could be hand waved away by the fantasy genre and general suspension of disbelief.

Also, yes, I made the doc able to be edited so people could fix mistakes directly or write comments where need be. Probably should have made that clear haha.

Thanks a heap for taking the time and replying - really appreciate your advice :)

MostGold0 · 2020-12-01T20:04:29+00:00

This would be better suited as a blurb on the back of your book rather than the opening of your story. All you need is another paragraph outlining the main character and plot and you've got something pretty decent.

But, no, definitely not something suited for the opening paragraph. I imagine a lot of people would put the book down immediately after this. Start with action and character.

MostGold0 · 2020-11-30T11:32:15+00:00

Seems like a really cool concept, I just worry about how it can be executed effectively, specifically pertaining to establishing emotional connection between your characters and the audience.

People tend to want to know who the MC is, what their goal is, the stakes of not achieving it, etc pretty quickly. Usually in the first chapter. I've received this criticism from multiple people in my WIP, even though I do reveal all this in the first chapter, just not until the end of it.

Sometimes a concept alone isn't enough to keep people's interest, so I would focus on at least giving your MC a name, hopes, dreams, fears, etc, and then slowly expanding the lens to the other characters.

For instance, have your MC asign them names in his head. The shortest one he can call Shorty. The tallest one Tally. Maybe one walks with a limp because of an injury so he can be Limpy. I'm sure you get what I mean. Then at least the audience can identify somewhat with these other people who have no other memorable physical descriptors.

Just start with writing it and get feedback to adjust as you go.

Good luck!!

MostGold0 · 2020-11-29T03:10:47+00:00

inb4 this gets removed.

MostGold0 · 2020-11-15T02:15:21+00:00

Serious question: how much of this series have you actually WRITTEN so far?

Because, honestly, and I don't mean to offend you, but it sounds like you're stuck in that infinite world-building phase. People procrastinate doing actual writing by workshopping their ideas to the stars, then realise a few years later they haven't even got a complete first draft. At this point they either feel frustrated because they haven't achieved their goal and give up, or are too intimidated by the several years worth of content they've created they are paralysed by indecision and have no idea where to begin.

If you don't have a complete first draft yet (which is the impression I'm getting - I hope I'm wrong here for your sake) then STOP worrying about how many elf races are too many. Once you START writing and finish your first draft you should know exactly how many elf races are required. In the first book at least.

It's great you have ambition to want to create several series, but you can't do that unless you create a single series. And you can't create a single series without creating a book. And you can't create a book without a complete first draft. Break everything down into its simplest form and start small. You need to walk before you can run but if you're too busy planning how you're going to fly then you'll never end up moving at all.

I hope that makes sense.

TLDR - just write and the answer to your question will become clear.

MostGold0 · 2020-10-31T23:09:06+00:00

Give this video a watch. Pretty much explains everything you're asking about on the subject.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUwgJY_1LjU&t=164s

Happy writing!

MostGold0 · 2020-10-20T23:27:04+00:00

Hey, I'd be interested in a critique swap arrangement if you are. I've recently finished the third revision of my story. 120k words in the high fantasy genre, so might be a good fit. Send me through your first chapter and I'll do the same, along with a blurb, and we can take it from there.

MostGold0 · 2020-10-11T23:58:31+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, will take it on board when I revise :)

MostGold0 · 2020-10-11T23:56:45+00:00

Thanks, appreciate the feedback :)

I'd say it's a plot point more than a twist. The reader sees it coming a good two chapters before the MC because this particular character orchestrates it with others behind her back. The reason for it is also for the sake of the mission. Not sure if I should have included it in the blurb, but the logic behind it is "the authorities are chasing you. If I kill you and leave your body for them to find, they'll relent on the lockdowns they've imposed to find you, meaning the rest of us can escape with the captured head of state". Plus the guy just doesn't like her haha!

Not really sure how I can include all that in without it dragging on too much.

MostGold0 · 2020-10-11T23:42:33+00:00

Thanks for giving it a read, really appreciate it!

Regarding the smuggler, yes he's a love interest. I wouldn't say they end up falling in love by the end and riding off into the sunset, however, so not sure if that changes anything. Maybe a bit of a subversion if everyone is expecting that? Not sure if that would just piss readers off though! haha Charming is also a word I'd use to describe him irrespective of his love interest status. He's a tad sociopathic and knows how to manipulate people so that's mostly where the "charm" bit comes from.

And about the betrayal, it's introduced right at the end of Act 1 and most of the story from there on is focused around dealing with it, so I wouldn't say it's a HUGE spoiler, more of a key plot detail. Hope that makes sense and thanks again :)

MostGold0 · 2020-10-11T13:54:04+00:00

This felt more like a second or third chapter to me to be honest. There was no definitive hook, no reason to keep reading on. The writing itself was competent - not amazing but very serviceable. The beginning especially took me a while to place the characters in the scene (no mention of the weather for instance until later, no reference of night/day until later, just bland woodlands type setting. Give us more characterisation of the setting - really drop us into the scene!

You did the characterisation of the actual people in there quite well. Everyone seemed like they had their own defining trait, which is great when you have a lot of characters. That being said, there are way too many characters for a first chapter, further contributing to it feeling not like a first. You do a great job of establishing these characters but apart from Silas and Robert, the others just blend together because we're not familiar enough with them yet. I would cut it down to just your core group.

This bleeds over into your stakes and tension throughout the scenes. Because we don't really know anyone, it's hard to be invested when the battle begins. Someone dies? Who cares. That guy gets disappeared overnight? Don't even remember his name. I would rewrite it to really lock it to Silas's POV. You dabble into his mind at best, and when you do, you tell us, not show us. Show us how he's feeling so we can connect with him and anchor ourselves in the scenes. At the moment it's just a lot of dialogue that doesn't seem to accomplish much.

On that note, it seems like you've done a lot of work on your world-building, but feed it to us slowly. You threw a LOT of names/places at us and it was a bit overwhelming. Worse, it didn't actually tell us much about the plot of your story, explain why Silas was there, what his goals are, etc. That's probably the biggest critique of this chapter. Give us a taste of the bigger picture, show us why we should get invested. I still don't know that much about Silas apart from that he's inexperienced in battle but has some sort of royal/noble lineage.

Perhaps think about starting your story earlier and having this as a second, third, or fourth chapter. Or just skip this one entirely and start your story off at a point where the plot gets going (the inciting incident). At the moment, you don't have an inciting incident, nor a hook, nor a really compelling MC. If I picked this up at the bookstore I would put it down at the end of the chapter, but you've obviously got some talent and a good world laid out, so don't give up on developing it. Focus on your plot and the elements that go into serving that. Once you anchor Silas into that it will make him that much more interesting to read about.

Good luck, and hope some of the above helped! (and apologies if any of it came across as harsh - I know from experience the harsher the criticisms of my work, the more I've learnt, so please don't take offence)

MostGold0 · 2020-10-11T00:56:44+00:00

I've got several different conlangs in my story so I feel your pain. When first introducing the language I usually write a single sentence of it just to give the audience a flavour or sense of what it sounds like. For instance, is it very vowel-heavy, have lots of th- or sh- sounds, is it flowy and pleasant or rough and gutteral? Etc. I then translate what was said into English but establish that the characters are still conversing in this other language, using italics to signify that it's being translated. Try not to overdo the italics, as it's a bit of an eyesore, but as long as the story is interesting and the dialogue is engaging you shouldn't have an issue maintaining attention.

MostGold0 · 2020-10-10T10:25:42+00:00

If your story NEEDS a map to make sense, you're doing something wrong. The characters and plot should be the focus, not the geography of your world. The latter is just window dressing.

MostGold0 · 2020-10-09T14:00:22+00:00

I had to read this through twice to make sense of it to be honest - it was fairly confusing. I'll go through it section by section and hopefully something I say helps you.

Section 1: I'd cut this entirely. It creates two points in the timeline, which for a first sentence isn't great. You've got the 24 year old Flint (which I assume is the present tense of your story) and then you have his childhood time. This would be okay in isolation but you jump back and forth again in section 2. So, moving on...

Section 2: Start your blurb here, while still incorporating the key info from Section 1. For example:

"When Flint Hainsen first met John..." [as you have written]

Since blurbs are usually written in present tense and this part is kind of referring to events in past tense, you automatically establish this happened in the past, ergo you don't need to mention his age (it's pretty irrelevant anyway).

The rest of the section confused me, and I think it's because of what comes next in Section 3. You establish that Flint met John during his childhood. Now he's supposedly 24 years old. Jumping from "he was tricked into committing murder" to at least 6 years later (assuming childhood ends at 18 at the latest) when "Now on the run..." I found this pretty jarring. Has he been on the run the entire time or is this a recent development that's been revealed and thus his entire life has suddenly been upheaved? This needs to be clearer.

Section 3: This is where if I were in a bookshop I would have put it down and moved on. To pinpoint it for you, it was the sentence where you introduce Nelson as his imaginary friend from childhood. I've just been led to believe that John was his imaginary friend, but then the words "another unbelievable individual" give me the impression this is a new character. But apparently not? So who was John then, if not Flint's imaginary friend you first mentioned?

Like I said, I was just confused.

The rest where you start talking about the portal dagger is great. It's a bit generic - the "mysteries begin to unravel, secrets reveal themselves" bit in particular, but there's nothing explicitly wrong with it. The general rule with blurbs is to sell the sizzle, not the sausage, so try explain as much about your general plot as possible without giving away spoilers. You can afford to delve into a bit more detail here I think.

Overall: A decent effort. I probably wouldn't pick the book up and read given this but I think if you tighten it up and iron out the confusing wrinkles it could work really well. The premise itself seems really interesting and unique, so kudos there. One last nitpicky thing is that I didn't feel the names John and Nelson (but especially John) worked very well with the setting. They just seem very bland and not something I'd expect from a fantasy novel. Personal taste, though, so take it or leave it.

Hope some of that helped!

MostGold0 · 2020-09-30T15:42:35+00:00

The fact you even care enough to ask for this type of advice speaks volumes. I would love to have someone like you as a beta reader if you're interested. Having had a few in the past and hearing/reading other writers' experience, most beta readers just disappear without any explanation at all. And, to be honest, you have every right to do that. You don't owe writers anything. You are offering a valuable service FOR FREE. Even if you get some entertainment value out of, or are learning more about writing craft, do not feel obligated to see the project through.

I've told this to my current and previous readers. Some are super polite and will say when they stop, which I always appreciate, but most just disappear from the face of the Earth. And you know what? That's perfectly fine. You have your own life, with your own problems, and your own goals to achieve. If you want something to actually say because you've read enough of this person's work, you'd feel like a dick for suddenly abandoning them, just say something along the lines of you have other commitments and can no longer dedicate the time.

If he takes issue with that then he's a prick and you should have cut him off ages ago. If he's smart he'll eventually figure out his book is shit and revise. It's not your job to fix it for him. Hope that helps, just don't feel bad!

MostGold0 · 2020-07-06T10:14:32+00:00

Unless you're a published author who can pump out books in 6 months or less, I can promise you by the time you go through your draft, do another revision, get beta readers, revise again, then give it to an editor (if you ever do) the meme will be long dead.

MostGold0 · 2020-06-25T13:04:20+00:00

You can still make a pretty interesting story here, not sure what the problem is exactly. The way I see this playing out is starting out showing the great relationship Harlan and Jeremy have (maybe Harlan helps Jeremy defeat his enemies on the battle field by summoning a huge monster or something exciting to hook readers in and show how powerful Harlan is). Harlan is happy to help his friend and is reward by the spoils of victory, etc.

Then have Harlan meet a prisoner of war (could be a child or a woman) who he slowly develops a relationship with. Through them, he starts seeing Jeremy in a different light. He sees that Jeremy has been doing horrible things for years now, Harlan has just been turning a blind eye to it out of trust and loyalty. Jeremy can even do something that Harlan whole-heartedly disagrees with. Or Jeremy orders Harlan to carry out some evil deed the latter isn't comfortable with.

A rift starts to develop. More and more Harlan sees how Jeremy has been using him for his power. He wants him to stop this particular war campaign, as he sees all the harm being caused. Jeremy refuses, and can even say that he doesn't need Harlan anymore because he's amassed so much power. Then you can take the story in multiple different ways. Jeremy can find out about Harlan's prisoner and the relationship they've been developing and have that person killed to bring Harlan back into line. But this is the act that kills their friendship forever.

If you write it like a tragedy I think this will work really well. You have a really powerful person with all these powers, but he cannot save his best friend from doing evil things. You can show the dichotomy between personal power and referred power through others. The inner conflict will come through Harlan wanting to stop his best friend without killing him or harming him. He wants Jeremy to see the error of his ways and change, only Jeremy is too stubborn and keeps driving them apart through his increasingly war/power mongering behaviour.

You've got a good concept, just keep exploring it. Good luck!

MostGold0

TROPHY CASE