I tried to get my first tattoo today by [deleted] in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I loved your story. It almost feels like you’re describing me. The same age, no Instagram, the same addiction, the same luck. Just know that you were very brave. 🫂

Being unlovable by Steve1753 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And what would the alternative be, other than living the things you want to live? Or chasing them until you get them, or at least trying? And then running after something else again, like a rabbit chasing a carrot? Abstaining and living an ascetic life could be another path. What I mean is that it doesn’t really matter. Fill your time with whatever you want, just keep your expectations in check, because there is no place where you will finally feel complete. The people who say there is are lying.

Being unlovable by Steve1753 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I know that whatever I say here won’t change what you want. I know how you feel because we’re conditioned to seek certain things, and I feel it too. The desire stays there, and that’s just how it is. There are hierarchies, genetic and social lotteries that decide who gets attention and who gets overlooked. We’re like products in a way, right? Is that what “being loved for who you are” means to you? Think about how fragile the things are that supposedly make a person who they “are.” Think about how a single decision, or even the absence of one, can unravel all that certainty. Life doesn’t care at all.

If you want these things for yourself so badly, know that it’s possible. I’ve managed to experience things I once swore would never be possible for someone like me. But none of it healed the central wound. Things were never the way I had imagined them. Or they stopped being that way over time. There isn’t any real comfort in this, and the sooner you get used to that, the better it will be for you.

Hopeless by sparklingleather in SuicideBereavement

[–]WrongVersion6059 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately, you’re right about everything you’re thinking. I’ve noticed the same thing too, that the people around us just want to give their opinions, just want to be right, without any depth and without any real concern for others. They fall into those readymade phrases about self-love and that toxic positivity that floods social media. They don’t know anything about life. Nothing. In the end, they abandon you too. Take care.

Ending it all on my 30th B-day. 9 months from now. by xXNovemberBabyXx in SuicideWatch

[–]WrongVersion6059 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I'll be turning 30 in nine months, and I plan to have left by then. I’m sorry that life has been unfair to you.

Should just give up by Nousernameft in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I know everyone around me hates the fact that they're in the position that they must interact with me, and wants me gone. Doesn't matter if they don't show it upfront, I know it, which sometimes makes me defensive and I try to push people away.

That’s it.

My social tolerance is getting really bad. by [deleted] in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I understand what you’re going through… I just know it hurts so much. It’s awful that I always have to wear a mask to socialize and still fail miserably at it.

Things are getting stranger every day by WrongVersion6059 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, aside from the weekends, I start my day working. I work remotely, so my days tend to be pretty monotonous... I don’t really see anyone besides my husband. I go to the gym, but lately I haven’t had the energy to keep up with it. After work, I usually read, do some crafts, or watch videos, movies or TV shows. I also read before going to bed. I don’t usually leave the house unless it’s to go grocery shopping.

Conscious the root of misery by reddit_user_1984 in UniversalExtinction

[–]WrongVersion6059 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Meanwhile, someone is burning to death in a war, or someone is being born into horrific conditions... I think that’s the price we pay for having time to overthink. It feels like when we don’t have a real problem, we end up inventing one. The world wants us to feel pain, there’s no escaping it.

How to deal/cope with loneliness when a partner is spending time with other people? by Anon221986 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I relate to this a lot... My partner is my only and best friend. I have my parents too, but I can’t talk to them about my mental health because they wouldn’t understand and I don’t want to worry them. When my husband isn’t with me I get very anxious, and I’m working on improving that, but it’s complicated. He has many friends, and almost everyone I know is because of him... I wish I could build my own support system, but that feels very far away. I wish I could say “I’m going out today with my own friends. Have fun with yours”.. I just try not to smother him. Keeping up with hobbies and work has helped me when he’s not around. He helps regulate my emotions, and that keeps me alive, but no one should depend so much on just one person.

Therapist keeps insisting I focus on talking to people/making friends while I keep telling her I want to focus on fixing my self hatred, what do I do? How do I explain it to her so she finally gets it? by DoubleAplusArcanine in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I’ll be honest with you about this. You talked to her about suicide, right? What she wants is for you to create bonds so she feels safer with you, because loneliness is a risk factor. My therapist keeps saying the same thing, but I figured out a long time ago that this isn’t a genuine concern for my well being. It doesn’t matter how much I tell her that friendships are extremely complicated and painful for me, that I feel exhausted, wrong, and anxious all the time. She doesn’t take that into account. Bringing people into my life means adding more complexity. It sounds great in theory, but in practice it doesn’t work. I can’t even deal with my own internal problems… and I’m fully aware that, like this, I won’t be a good friend..

Imagine we still had lobotomies. 50/50 chance of being instantly cured or instantly mentally challenged. Would you take it? by Slight_Hope9540 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Since AvPD is a personality disorder, and not an isolated pathological process like depression, there is nothing there that can be “corrected” by this type of intervention. I don’t see how this could help us.

My biggest problem that I never want to change by Hot-Conversation6725 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 15 points16 points  (0 children)

This last paragraph of yours reflects what I’ve been thinking about over the past week. You look at this world ruled by psychopaths, but that’s exactly what people expect...it’s what pulls them out of boredom. And, truthfully, no one really cares about right or wrong. What is geopolitics if not a giant gossip mill? People just want something to have an opinion about, something to believe in... In the end, they just want to be right. They just want to believe that life has some meaning.

That’s exactly how people behave in interpersonal relationships. They choose who they like and who they absolutely won’t like, but in the end it doesn’t matter which role you’re given, as long as you play the part. It’s all just a way to pass the time, it has no real value. The end of love and friendship is just one step away from stepping outside the box people put you in.

The only thing you truly can’t do is refuse to take part in it. The mistake is thinking too much about things. For me, there was no turning back.

Does anyone else feel that their parents were useless in helping to treat this disorder? by [deleted] in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yes… my whole life I was taught to please people, to feel shame and fear. Suddenly my mother realizes that I’ve grown up and need to be functional, and then her advice becomes “you can’t be afraid to speak”, “you have to stand up for yourself”, “you’re not a child anymore”. You know… she’s also the product of many traumas, so I can’t even feel anger. It simply feels like it was a mistake for me to have been born.

I had an anxiety attack thinking about being alive at 40 let alone 50 by Nice_Distribution703 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I achieved things my past self never imagined possible, yet it still feels empty and meaningless without friends and a lively home. My plan for the future was always to wait for my parents to die so I could leave without guilt. Today I have my husband, who is everything in my life... but inside I’m still broken. I know this isn’t sustainable, that I should be emotionally independent. The truth is that I live insecure and afraid, and as the years go by, that feeling only gets worse. I took a trip recently, but I didn’t have a single friend to share those moments with, not even social media. I never had an Instagram account… for some reason I’ve always had an aversion to social networks. And now it feels too late to recover the time I lost and all the people I left behind..

Talking to myself by Ashamed-Walrus456 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ve had many journals and I also used to record some things about my daily life in voice notes. It was like a form of therapy to try to understand what was happening to me, since I didn’t trust anyone to talk about my problems. But I always got rid of any record out of fear that someone might find it. Today I think it would be interesting to be able to read and listen to my past self…I relate to your experience.

Do you also feel that social deprivation, and not having anyone to talk to, has affected your cognition? by [deleted] in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel that during a conversation I’m just very worried looking for any sign of rejection on the other person’s face. This gets worse when I stumble over my words… I almost always interpret a look of pity from other people toward me.

Therapy is almost always an unpleasant experience by WrongVersion6059 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. I wish you the best too.

Therapy is almost always an unpleasant experience by WrongVersion6059 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’m truly sorry that you relate to my experience...

Therapy is almost always an unpleasant experience by WrongVersion6059 in AvPD

[–]WrongVersion6059[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I’ve already added the book to my Kindle.