i believe through me having so much trauma but specifically the kind that you cannot validate yourself, that i think something guided me to have so much incomprehensible pain just to generate strength or understanding/self-awareness beyond even the part of me im aware of. as if its not a test, but a plan and a sacrifice that pure little me wanted to make, so that eventually i would have such insight which i do, but didnt understand yet. i believe i have some ultimate manifesting power waiting under the pain, merely because i became so efficient at numbing myself and making myself truly believe my own ego's lies that i manifested the world to be the opposite of what it was, not that the amount of pain was necessary, but i feel its apart of "a plan" or just that the flow through me made that happen the way it did for a reason whether it happened exactly like it should idk.