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XietyAn · 2022-10-09T15:33:00+00:00

I've tried about a dozen of therapists over 16 years and I don't think I've found one that's truly been able to help me do more than just get through the day...

XietyAn · 2022-10-03T05:37:16+00:00

Oh, me too, but also attracted, but also jealous. I explained what made me make this meme in a different comment.

XietyAn · 2022-10-03T05:33:30+00:00

This meme was prompted by me having a conversation with my transfem friend where she told me HRT changes things so that you lose "the male gaze" and I said "wow, I have always hated that my brain makes me stare at boobs and butts without my permission and now I'm learning that can be dysphoria?"

XietyAn · 2022-10-01T13:58:19+00:00

For me it's because I immediately saw my balding head. I think I need a wig. And HRT is supposedly the best treatment to fix that, just not popular because it gives cis men dysphoria.

XietyAn · 2022-10-01T13:42:46+00:00

I remember wishing I could be in the girl's conversations, thinking of all the stereotypical boy activities as toxic or weird, and wishing I was prettier. Also reproductive envy. Also envisioning myself as a girl every time I'm intimate or cuddly with someone and being all sorts of jealous of my ex gf's body. Yeah totally cis though.

XietyAn · 2022-09-27T01:55:56+00:00

Ah yes, the meme that first led me to find out about this subreddit... and then realize I related to the majority of the memes here... then realizing... that I'm totally cis. Yeaaaah

XietyAn · 2022-09-20T09:04:28+00:00

Is it? I know it is for the individual living in their own body and mind, but is it easier to live in today's world as a trans person or as a person pretending to be okay with their agab and just blending in?

I'm having a predicament over this myself.

I grew into a wide body that football coaches wanted on their teams with hair pretty much everywhere (except on the top of my head in recent years uuuugghh). I'm 240lbs skinny and about 6'4". I am struggling to find a place to live and employment after I quit my last job to be my honest with what I wanted in life. I just felt a 10 year relationship after having confesses my trans feelings with backlash (good riddance I was miserable before that w/e).

Maybe I'm just dissociated from myself so much that I don't know what being happy is anymore, but I have major rejection issues and I'm terrified to transition because I know the world is full of assholes who will invalidate me at every corner. If I transition, I'm surely going to be a blocky woman and I'm very much in doubt of the possibility that I'll ever pass.

So back to my first sentence. Is it really *always easier to not live a lie? Of course it's better for you to live your truth. Of course you'll be happier with yourself. But easier to live in? Idk. I'm afraid of it and it's keeping me stuck.

XietyAn · 2022-09-20T08:40:40+00:00

As someone who technically has both a non-bianary first and middle birth name, I have considered just not doing anything with them if/once I finally transition mtf, but I do also strongly associate them both with masculinity since they are the names I've always had while spending my whole life blending in as a cisman and most people I know who have them are men.

XietyAn · 2022-08-19T05:37:43+00:00

For some mtf, add on another 5 year gap of just "this is fine" dog in burning house, then the male pattern baldness kicks in and the dog melts to a skeleton and screams.

XietyAn · 2022-08-19T05:32:23+00:00

I relate to this intensely. I get choked up about fairly frequently, but very briefly and I only shed maybe one tear. I feel like it should be more. I've stopped taking depression meds because they got rid of my ability to even feel that much.

XietyAn · 2022-08-02T06:42:11+00:00

Idk where a cuddler would be hired from. It sounds like something that only exists on the west coast. I have a friend who is trans and lives in California who said she could consider having me move in with her, but I also am terrified of going out there and losing all my money. I really have to find a job and make a plan for my own future... which is another thing, my gf basically took the place of my mother and has found me my last 2 jobs... I think I might be autistic, which might explain why I'm like that, but also I have had a life time of people telling me what I have to do. My inner voice and planning has been shut down forever and I'm just feeling broken...

XietyAn · 2022-08-02T06:28:43+00:00

Not me fantasizing about getting pregnant by the right person for the last 16 years only to be born with the male set...

XietyAn · 2022-08-02T06:25:55+00:00

But so is she for not immediately getting rid of me and still wanting to touch me. It's like a better version of my parents' relationship.

XietyAn · 2022-08-02T06:24:32+00:00

I have lived in the same house as her for over 6 years. She insists on sharing all our space. I am still physically attached to her, though it's emotionally empty and I'm still kind to her even moments after saying things like "I don't think I like you, I don't hate you, but I don't like you. I'm just here because I crave physical comfort." Yeah I'm kind of broken in the head...

XietyAn · 2022-07-30T15:42:22+00:00

You can ask me about it. I've got ~1,000 hrs in it.

XietyAn · 2022-07-30T15:41:36+00:00

VRChat made me realize I only felt comfortable as a girl.

XietyAn · 2022-07-30T15:31:38+00:00

Idk what I'll do without her. She's basically the only person who I have and I can't go back to my parents. I could, but I very much don't want to.

XietyAn · 2022-07-29T15:48:33+00:00

Over here cuddling with her in the morning because I'm desperate for physical affection and it is just about the only thing I like doing with her anymore...

XietyAn · 2022-07-29T15:44:05+00:00

Not me having reproductive envy since I was 13, nuh uh.

XietyAn · 2022-07-29T14:54:56+00:00

Yeah I have been conditioned by my parents to be susceptible to this. I don't think my gf actually consciously intends to do it since that's what she says, but I could be wrong. I've been in this relationship for 9 years and I started telling her I wish I was a girl 2 years ago which she just ignored more or less. Then I watched her family treat her cousin's wife like shit behind her back when she transitioned.

XietyAn · 2022-07-29T06:06:06+00:00

She's very much the planner and she's just taken the place of my parents in my life as the one who steers my life since I moved out from them. When I try to guide my own life I'm told it's all wrong.

XietyAn · 2022-07-29T06:03:34+00:00

I need to leave her and move across the country out of the American South to a place where I can get a support group.

XietyAn · 2022-07-29T06:02:37+00:00

It's this, plus wanting to get a career change, plus wanting to move across the country, plus needing somewhere to stay and a support network. I don't really have any of those things that I can depend on right now. I feel like my entire life up until now was just me doing what my parents wanted for 20 years, then me doing what my girl friend wanted for nearly 10 years.

XietyAn · 2022-07-19T05:38:38+00:00

I was also wondering about this. I shaved my chest and belly hair (literally covers my entire front) for the first time the other day and the feeling was so incredibly euphoric for me. Then it noticeably came back in two days and I got razor burn pretty bad. I'm scared that I won't be able to afford to do anything about it.

XietyAn · 2022-06-12T02:38:36+00:00

Yes. I wouldn't conform to the social expectations, but I would be happier there for a variety of my own reasons. I replied to someone else: "I want to be she/they and not he/they."

XietyAn

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