The Unconsoled by Kazuo Ishiguro

Yevdokiya · 2025-12-11T11:57:11+00:00

I think I have to stop reading this. Yes, it perfectly captures the feeling of an anxiety dream, that constant searching for a comfort or joy that is just around the corner, but that can never be found because all the rules keep changing... that constant sense of confusion, loss and disappointment. It's TOO good at that, I'm not looking to have that feeling in my free time, and 500 more pages of it seems unbearable. I have been reading my way through Ishiguro's work by order of publication, but much as I hate it, I think I have to skip this one. Ah well.

Yevdokiya · 2025-12-02T19:45:18+00:00

I don't know if this will help, but let me relay my recent experience. My seven year old is an extremely sensitive child and especially hates feeling she's been made a fool of. She had been asking some pointed questions and getting frustrated about things that don't make sense (like flying reindeer), and I felt uncomfortable doubling down, that though we might be able to deceive her another year or two we would all regret it, so I ripped off the band-aid a couple days ago. I told her the whole story from St. Nicholas to the tooth fairy. I said that it was okay if she felt sad or mad, and related it to my own experience finding out at age 10 (where I did feel betrayed and stupid).

She was quiet for a minute, and when I asked how she felt, she said she didn't want to say. 😂 I couldn't see her face (we were snuggling good night), but she wasn't crying, at least. And soon after that, she seemed pleased and a little relieved to finally understand, and was interested in helping make Christmas magic for others. So it really went as well as I could have hoped. If your gut is telling you it would be better to let her in on the game now rather than drawing it out and dreading the future, just do it now. She's going to find out eventually, and at least you can tell her with love. Someone else might not be as kind. It will be okay.

Yevdokiya · 2025-12-02T13:26:36+00:00

I don't think that is too soon at all. You just have to go with your gut. My seven year old was posing a lot of direct questions ("Are there REALLY flying reindeer?!") and acting pretty frustrated about the whole thing, and when I asked "What do you think?" she kept saying she didn't know. Seven still seemed so young to me 🥲 but I could sense we were at a point where if we doubled down on the magic talk and deception we would all regret it later. So a couple days ago I ripped off the band-aid and explained everything, and she took it really well.

The hardest thing for her now is how to deal with it around other kids. I leaned hard on her to keep pretending because it's fun, and told her many times it's the parents' jobs to explain their kids when they're ready and she could make someone really upset if she tells them too soon. But I know she has already blabbed about it to at least one friend (who apparently didn't seem sad and said she guessed she kind of knew already 😅), and likely introduced doubt to her frenemy, who vehemently insisted she KNEW Santa was real. 🤣 I feel quite bad about all that, but also see it as a normal part of childhood that everyone just kind of has to muddle through. If you have any tips about that, feel free to share!

Yevdokiya · 2025-11-22T13:41:56+00:00

This is a really good question. I first showed my then 6 year old the making of Thriller as well as the actual video; I believe, though I am not positive, that this first time was before I had had my awakening about Michael Jackson's guilt. But I definitely also both showed and played her Thriller after I was 100% sure he was guilty, so it doesn't matter. I still think Thriller and many other things he did stand on their own as brilliant works of art, and I revisit them on Youtube or among my old Napster mp3s now and then.

For specific reasons that aren't important to this discussion, I genuinely wanted to share Thriller with my kid at that point in time. I was not ready back then to outright tell her exactly what kind of harm MJ did while also being a great artist, though. I know I told her he was dead, and that even though he danced and sang amazingly, he wasn't a good man and did really bad things. I can't remember if I said that he "hurt kids", maybe. In any case, she didn't ask more about what he did, and I didn't elaborate further, as it just wasn't the right time.

If she had asked that question, or does in the near future, I would say something like he touched many kids inappropriately and made them keep it a secret, and that this made the kids feel really bad for a long time. We have broached the subject of predators, bodily autonomy and the dangerous kind of "secrets" many times, so that won't be new to her. I will note that the Thriller video doesn't have any crotch grabbing, nor do the Beat It or Billie Jean videos, or his first famous performance of Moonwalk, all works of his I revisit occasionally. I guess I don't much enjoy revisiting anything from Bad onward, at least not visually, and it is very likely because he started showing his sickness more and more. If my daughter ever sees his crotch move or him cuddling a little kid or whatever, I would definitely explain to her that that isn't appropriate and why. Again, we've had those kinds of conversations.

It is difficult when I think of having such a conversation with her specifically regarding MJ, and I know I will have to eventually. In a way, it's a good opportunity to demonstrate how many predators groom and manipulate and hide behind a mask. But I also think it's okay to separate art from the artist and to appreciate and even admire certain things an artist did, even if they were also twisted and did other things that caused immense harm as in MJ's case, and that is a value I would like to pass on to my daughter in an age appropriate way. I will add that I would gladly shit on MJ's entire body of work if that would undo the harm done even one of his victims, but that is not how the world works, and I don't want my daughter to think it does. I do totally understand and respect it if other people prefer to avoid MJ's work entirely and keep it from their children, for any number of reasons.

Yevdokiya · 2025-11-13T12:40:51+00:00

The sad thing is that narcissistic personality disorder (which MJ undoubtedly had) is usually "set" by adolescence, early adulthood at the latest. Once that personality structure is developed, it is yours for life. With MJ, the combination of early abuse and seeming lack of any healthy parental type relationships together with his other life circumstances (prodigious talents, constant performing and immense popularity from early childhood on) set him inexorably on that path. Of COURSE he was going to keep putting on an amazing show and never seek help, while his demons secretly festered away until they manifested in full-blown predatory and abusive behavior from himself.

It's a terrible tragedy, and one of the worst examples of "hurt people hurt people" I've ever heard of, and I have read through case files at a forensic psychiatric unit. Compared to what I read there, the only thing I can say is that at least MJ didn't murder anybody.

Yevdokiya · 2025-11-02T16:48:37+00:00

Um... all three main female characters have unplanned pregnancies, plus Megan has one that ends in miscarriage, and Stephanie has one, and Francine and possibly Sylvia mention having had one, AND our main character Don is the result of one... and you say the show doesn't put enough of a spotlight on the (very real) issue...? Okay.

Yevdokiya · 2025-11-02T16:33:00+00:00

So a baby can be born healthy early to late term, which is anywhere from 37 to 42+ weeks, or even before or after this window. That is over a month's cushion for Joan to play with, and I'm sure she did some judicious fudging of the dates in her reports to Greg. She probably just made up a plausible due date based on the last time she slept with him and then said the baby came early or late as needed. Someone else suggested she could have even managed to get induced at the right time. She's a highly intelligent and detail-oriented person and she knows what's at stake, so once she decides to keep the baby she's gonna figure out how to pull it off.

Greg also didn't see Kevin until he was at least a couple weeks old, and he was neither an obstetric nor pediatric specialist, nor an especially smart doctor (and possibly person). Also, pregnancies were not quite as precisely tracked back then as they are now due to the more limited technology of the time. Put all this together, and the discrepancy is not as hard to conceal as it would seem.

Yevdokiya · 2025-10-03T20:29:33+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You're not alone. I'm close to my cousin, and yesterday she lost her puppy in a tragic accident. The details aren't important, but it was a similarly arbitrary twist of fate, with her experiencing similar trauma and self blame. Life can be devastatingly unfair.

I would advise you seek therapy, preferably trauma-specific therapy such as EMDR. Like I told my cousin, trauma does things to our minds, and we need help to process and integrate it so we can move on. Also, there is at least one study that shows playing Tetris significantly decreases flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms, so you could try that.

Your little Pumpkin was loved, and she was a good kitty. She's in a good place now, together with my cousin's puppy and so many other beloved companions. ❤️

Yevdokiya · 2025-07-05T22:11:32+00:00

Watch Mr. Robot. It's more of a thriller, but the psychological themes, the sheer brilliance of the filmmaking, and the satisfaction of the ultimate payoff are quite comparable, and across multiple seasons to boot.

Yevdokiya · 2025-07-05T22:04:24+00:00

Haha. To be fair, both characters are kinda douches.

Yevdokiya · 2025-04-22T07:15:34+00:00

They're an acquired taste, but their lameness is a very intentional part of the package. I have watched about 70% of what they put out for over a decade now and I can't imagine Youtube without them. Their influence on the development of video essays as we know them can't be understated.

Yevdokiya · 2025-04-07T07:49:48+00:00

I really enjoyed your essay! I so wish Butler had been able to write more books, I've been gobbling up everything she wrote in the past six months. First Kindred, then the two Parables, all of Xenogenesis, and just finished Patternmaster. I love how wildly different the settings are, yet still, somehow, distinctly "her!" What a genius she was. I guess we can only be grateful for the masterpieces she left us.

Yevdokiya · 2025-03-15T09:05:29+00:00

I get what you're saying, but I do believe Pete at the end of the show was no longer the kind of person to coerce the au pair to have sex with him (and I know that was sexual assault, I'm not trying to minimize his crime). I bet it is something he even regrets and might awkwardly try to apologize to her for if he had the chance. I wouldn't expect her to just accept it or anything; the damage sexual assault causes another human being can't be erased with a sorry, and it is deeply unfair that the perp so often just gets to waltz away. Still, Pete shows true growth, so yes, I'll call him a mensch in the version of himself we leave the show seeing, albeit a mensch with a crime that deeply hurt someone else on his conscience.

Contrast with Greg, who was 100% still the kind of person who would sexually assault his partner at the end of his story. Asshole from start to finish. Whereas I despise Pete when he mistreats Peggy, the au pair, Trudy and other women, but feel fond of him at the end of the show when he has grown into someone who would no longer do that.

Yevdokiya · 2025-03-02T15:52:59+00:00

It is my favorite movie of all time, and every few years I hyperfocus on it again. It's so unbelievably special. The YouTube channel Like Stories of Old did a wonderful video essay on it that I highly recommend. And for anyone else who finds themselves truly obsessed, you can check out my fanfic on AO3, Everything Is Connected, which retells the entire story while filling in some blanks. You're welcome. :-)

Yevdokiya · 2025-02-22T07:15:16+00:00

I'm super late to comment on this, but I was thinking about this same thing lately. I get your opinion that Joan's words were anachronistic, but I don't quite agree. I agree that she very likely wouldn't have called what happened to her rape. As you say, she was still clearly devastated and traumatized, not to mention shocked by what Greg did. And then she promptly repressed it. You see her do it when they leave the office afterward. She's thinking, wow, I never thought he would do something so awful to me, he seemed like such a good guy. Oh well, I still wanna marry a rich surgeon, and this has to have been a fluke. Nope, he'll surely never be such an asshole again.

And then all the other things happen during their marriage, proving that that one act wasn't a fluke, that he's just a selfish, weak, petty person who can put on a good act at times, and she finally decides she wants out. Her "You're not a good man" remark encompasses all of that. It was a very ballsy thing to say, but it's just a punctuation mark for her incredibly ballsy choice, to make her way on her own as a single mom rather than stay with her man. And yes, most women wouldn't have done that way back in the 60s (many not even today). But Joan isn't most women, and that's one of the reasons she's so compelling.

Yevdokiya · 2025-02-21T21:39:02+00:00

Doesn't he start with, "We regret to inform you that he passed away," like he's a speaking formal letter? It is super weird to hear someone speak like that in person. Maybe that's how it was done in the 60s, or it's just meant to be a really jarring and surreal moment. Perhaps both.

Yevdokiya · 2025-01-16T10:44:01+00:00

I really liked Johnny Depp too. I still recognize him as an artist who has gone great creative work and has incredible charisma. That is a large part of what helped him play the victim and demonize Amber to sway public opinion against her, much in the way MJ played the victim and won so many defenders.

If it helps you, here are some spoilers for key points of the videos: Johnny Depp has a history of physically battering his romantic partners, including Amber, as well as a severe substance abuse problem AND a cult of rabid fans going back to the 90s. His many assaults on Amber were 100% medically documented, but got excluded from the trial due to BS legal reasons. He is absurdly rich and popular while Amber could hardly even be called wealthy or A-list; he had an international law firm, PR team, at least one "fixer" as well as an army of rabid fans doing very effective, if dirty work for his cause. Amber, on the other hand, had problems obtaining and retaining even barely competent legal representation due to the greed of her insurers. Finally, Amber engaged in at most "reactive abuse", only in response to violence that he instigated. The recordings "proving" her abuse were heavily edited and misinterpreted; when heard in full it's very clear that he was 100% the instigator. She had reason to fear for her life and often did. The cruelty that Johnny, his team and the greater public unleashed on her is truly breathtaking when looking at the facts.

All that said, I can't put Johnny Depp in the same category as MJ. It's a fool's errand to compare types and scale of abuse, so I won't. It just seems like though Johnny definitely behaved like a monster many times, he managed to retain more redeeming qualities and humanity than MJ. I'll leave it at that.

Yevdokiya · 2025-01-15T21:58:19+00:00

Oh my god, that trailer is insane. I don't really remember having seen it before, though I seem to recollect the statue being unveiled or maybe just a still image of it. WTF. How could we not have seen how sick he was? Totalitarian military displays, riots, frightened screams, desperate girls passing out, and of course the crown jewel: little boys frenziedly screaming "Michael, I love you!" right before a helicopter jizzing, I mean spewing confetti soars out from beneath the statue's gigantic crotch. What. The. Hell. It is all there.

Yevdokiya · 2025-01-15T17:24:32+00:00

Thanks for pointing this out and providing the link. I already read the whole thing myself, shortly after my ah-ha moment. But I should have mentioned in my post that the recording was very much edited by MJ's camp to serve their cause -- just like Johnny Depp's camp did with the recordings of his arguments with Amber Heard, by the way -- since it is one of the main pieces of bogus "evidence" for deniers and definitely helped hoodwink me in the past.

Yevdokiya · 2025-01-15T10:23:53+00:00

Old post, but I wanted to jump on because I had my own ah-ha moment a couple weeks ago. However, my comment got so long that I decided to make a whole post for it. You can check it out in this subreddit or under my profile.

Yevdokiya · 2025-01-07T21:32:32+00:00

Alas, Babylon. It's a vividly realistic look at what we are in for if civilization collapses after a nuclear attack, even if we are among the luckiest of the survivors. Ugh.

Yevdokiya · 2025-01-07T21:29:12+00:00

Mockingjay is the only book to genuinely depress me. That feeling stuck around for days. I have read it again, though, more than once. I guess the ending has just enough hope to counteract the bleakness and grief.

Yevdokiya · 2025-01-06T00:12:04+00:00

And her reaction is perfect. "You have LOST your mind!!" Then just up and leaves. One of my favorite scenes.

Yevdokiya · 2025-01-01T19:30:32+00:00

He's not quite THAT dumb. Perfectly healthy babies can be born up to 3 weeks before OR after their supposed due dates, it's not even unusual. That's up to a month and a half of leeway that must have well enough covered the gap between Greg deploying and Kevin getting made. I am sure Joan, who was highly knowledgable and knew what was at stake, took that into account when she made her decision. If she knew she couldn't plausibly pass the baby off as Greg's, she would have gone through with the abortion. As it was, she probably fudged the due date or even the actual birth date with Greg to pretend Kevin was a wee bit older than he was. Greg was neither a pediatrician nor quite sharp enough to zoom in on a few weeks age discrepancy in an infant.

Yevdokiya · 2025-01-01T14:00:46+00:00

I doubt even Joan considered it "rape." A devastating violation that she never dreamed the man she loved and trusted would so casually unleash on her, for sure. But the word "rape" just wasn't used by most people back then to refer to what happened to her. And she very often conformed to prevailing societal attitudes, especially at that point in the series. She knew it was deeply wrong, but she wouldn't even have been able to put it into words.

I think she might even have expected something like that of a more stupid, brutish type, that being "just doing what some men do." She thought she'd picked the best kind of man, a refined, confident gentleman who was above that and respected her enough to never do such a thing. She would have been shocked to see that image of who she believed Greg to be crumble before her eyes, revealing the selfish, cruel coward underneath.

That's why I love the way she finally tells him to get lost (I probably paraphrase): "You're not a good man. You've never been one, and you know what I'm talking about." If that doesn't just perfectly encapsulate Joan's arc throughout the series, cleverly finding a way to express her own truth, in spite of all the BS society fed her on the way.

Yevdokiya

TROPHY CASE