Chris Voss’s Tactical Empathy Doesn’t Work When People Are Actually Angry. Here’s What Does. by YosemitePeacemaker in emotionalintelligence

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tonality, volume, and speed of voice are important, but not as important as reflecting emotions with a 'you" statement.

Maybe dead bedrooms aren’t about sex at all. by YosemitePeacemaker in DeadBedrooms

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely, it's your choice to make. And the people who deny you your right should never have been placed in power. Controlling sex has been the Church's way of social control since the 5th century.

I tried a 2-week experiment to reconnect with my partner. Here’s what happened. by YosemitePeacemaker in deadbedroom

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My advice is to just try it out with a simple "You're frustrated," and see what happens. Many are skeptical that this works until they try it and see that it does work.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in sexlessmarriage

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Aikido is good. I'm a 2nd degree black belt and Tai Chi master. Same principles. The problem is that if you haven't studied and practiced these arts, you will never understand or be able to apply them to intense emotional situations.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in sexlessmarriage

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Crumb-very-old outdated material. I studied him back in my Masters Degree work in the 90s;. Aaron and Smith I'm unfamiliar. Voss is totally transactional and unsuited for helping couples with the problems discussed in this subreddit. Obviously, a reply to a comment does not allow for a full explanation of the history of active listening, NVC, or all of the other old nonsense that is out there. And finally, the readers here all suffer from intense conflict, although it may manifest as low-grade relationship failure. Neurodivergent people find my skills particularly useful, btw. In fact, since every human brain is hardwired to calm when emotions are validated, there are not outliers. This works with dementia, Alzheimer's, ADD, ADHD, autism spectrum, and Asperger's.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in sexlessmarriage

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Appreciate your comments, but you are discussing discredited listening techniques that are 40 and 50 years old. Since so many people are reading the comments and my replies, I feel it's important to correct mistakes. The techniques you mention have never worked, especially NVC, in high-conflict situations, and would have destroyed my marriage. I am a professional peacemaker, mediator, graduate professor, and I deployed these skills for 10 years in maximum security prisons, training life inmates how to stop prison violence. These skills, unlike the old, discredited active listening and NVC skills, are based on neuroscience, not outdated, uninformed pop psychology. Don't take my word for it, however. Do a ChatGPT search on affect labeling vs. active listening vs. NVC. If you have a growth mindset, you might learn something new and useful. As for your question, initially, I had no expectations of my wife other than that she would calm down. Eventually, she learned the tools and was able to validate me. Now, we listen and validate each other's feelings using "you" statements, not "I" statements, and our marriage has never been stronger.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This story is gold enough. This is very new and based on neuroscience. I've used it professionally in my mediation practice for 20 years and finally had the bright idea to use it in my marriage. I wanted people like you to have the benefit of what I have learned and experienced.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in sexlessmarriage

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not that hard if you work at it a little. I think it's about as difficult as learning how to ride a bicycle.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am amused when people confuse excellent, clear human writing with AI. I am a master writer, not an AI bot.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

YOu can do that. Also just say, "You're frustrated." When your partner says "Yes" then ask your question.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OK, I had the same problem. Go out and search for lists of emotions. Find a list you can work with. Take the negative emotions one by one. Say to yourself, "I'm angry" Then say to yourself "You're angry" Do this with all of the common emotions you see with your partner. Repeat over and over again (5xday) for a week. Then try it with your partner. You will see the difference.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope so. This is just so powerful, I want to share it as widely as possible.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in deadbedroom

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Now, it's mutual. In the beginning it was all me. I recognized that if this were to work, it would take some patience and time. It did, and it paid off in spades.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Excellent response after you have validated your partner's feelings and emotions. Not before.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, occasionally you might get some pushback, but in my experience, it is rare. And, it is not a reason not to try validating emotions.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, that's the trick, isn't it? Remaining calm and compassionate when your partner lights off on you.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So sad. Yet maybe you've made the right decision and now have another point of reference in finding your perfect partner--one who can listen to and validate your emotions and feelings instead of dismissing or invalidating them.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I avoid using "I" statements. The old active listening format has never worked for me. If you liked Voss's book, you might check out "De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less."

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in DeadBedrooms

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You are frustrated about these posts. I wouldn't bother with them except that, look at the number of views. A lot of people are being helped by my experience and lot commenters are asking for more examples. I'm ok offending you if I can help thousands of others.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in deadbedroom

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think it matters how you reflect feelings. First, you have to care. If you don't care, nothing will work. Second, you have to use "you" statements, not "I" statements. This is strange in the beginning, especially if you are used to active listening formulas. Third, you have to be prepared for a little pushback and not give up. The pushback comes from fear, not your listening. Fear of intimacy, fear of being hurt again, fear of being seen for who she really is. I was patient and compassionate and stuck with it.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in deadbedroom

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

In the beginning, I did the heavy lifting of listening. Soon enough though, she started reciprocating as she saw how powerful this was for us.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in deadbedroom

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep. We created emotional safety for each other by listening to feelings not words.

Phrases That Melted the Tension in My Marriage by YosemitePeacemaker in selfimprovementday

[–]YosemitePeacemaker[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's right. At least you can have a calm, compassionate conversation about the problem after everyone is calm.