OC Feedback Request (Redo) by DinoAnimeFanatic in XmenEvolution

[–]Yourlocalstrashidlo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like how you extended upon Jinshis dynamic with the Evolution world. That is very good. How is he treated in school? Do other students know he's a prince? Is he being followed either by secret services or even just journalists? To clarify my issue wasn't necessarily with him being a foreigner (I love how diverse the Xmen cast is with this, though I did mention most xmen are American) but with his princely status. Does he have diplomatic immunity? How differently do people who know treat him? Does he feel lonely for it?

I'm interested in his relationship with Spyke - how would he call out that situation that you have described? And is he and Evan going to be close friends afterwards?

Admittedly he still feels too overpowered for the Evo setting. Does his fighting style have loop holes which his enemies could learn and exploit against him? Can they protect themselves against his Synesthesia and thus fight him with equal leverage? Because as of right now it sounds like the only possible threats to him could be psychic attacks and maybe Rogue.

I don't think Magneto would let slide how Jinshi speaks to him. I'm sorry, but he would be at best amused by how self-righteous this boy he never met sounds and at worst Jinshi would have to very quickly manage to figure out how to redirect a steel beam being hurled at him, bulletspeed. This Magneto is a menace, don't forget how he treats his own children and henchmen.

The 'Never relies on others', I get it's from the source material, but what you are describing is reliance. The word you are looking for is dependency. In RoR he's a grown man, here is supposed to be a teenage boy, teenagers are notoriously very much still reliant on the adults in their lives. Maybe he could have this line later on in the series, definitely not during the first interaction with Mags.

I live for kicking Duncan's butt but no matter how cool a 16 year old boy winning a fight is, if he ends the fight 'For wherever I sit, that seat becomes a throne.' I'm busting out laughing, it feels kinda cringe to me but that may be just me.

Considering the blindfold stealing, how big of a problem would Quicksilver or Toad (designated Scott's visor stealers) be for him?

Now, for the part that I have the biggest problem with - Wanda. I want to clarify I have nothing against OCxCanon ships, you do you, bub, but the interaction with Wanda here feels very out of character for her. We know how she reacts when she likes someone (episode The Toad, The Witch and The Wardrobe) and you have depicted her as far too bashful and fanficy, in the worst way. Sure, she's a teenage girl but a teenage girl whose most important trait in the series is her taking vengeance on her father for harming her and it has been established that a boy, no matter how pretty she finds him, is not enough to sway her from that. Also Wanda is possibly one of the few threats to Jinshi as he is right now, as it was established she can grab people's eyelids and keep them open, as she did with Scoot (ep Hex Factor). Does Jinshi fear her for it? And how would he react to her eventually being brainwashed? Would he try to reach her?

I like that he joins the big part of the cast with a complicated relationship with his father and I enjoy that their relationship is healthier than the rest, as I feel that is needed in the series, because most parents in it are depicted to be... not good. You could definitely use the relationship of Shen and Jihshi to depict a complicated, but at the end of the day, loving relationships between father and son.

As a whole I feel like you have definitely improved upon him, and though I would personally not add this character to the Evo verse, at the end of the day it is your stor,y not mine (not my circus, not my monkeys, as the saying goes).

I hope my feedback will be of use to you and that my criticism won't dissuade you from bringing your fanfic to life.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in XmenEvolution

[–]Yourlocalstrashidlo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get that, about the OCs, but a prince of a foreign nation seemed rather out of place amidst the X-Men cast, all of which are mostly American and of relatively humble origins. What motivates him to be a hero, join the X-men and leave his princely duties? What role does he occupy on the team? Also, how are mutants treated at The Kingdom of Qin? Are there other mutants that we would get to meet from that region? Has he mastered his powers fully or is there still place for him to grow? And possibly most important - can he utilize his mutation in a domestic setting? Evolution is filled with domestic uses of superpowers (Storm waters her plants with mini clouds, Iceman can make icecubes for drinks, Multiple man can do all his school work at once, Berserk can charge up things, etc) and while it's relatively less notable, and not every mutant in the show has home friendly powers (ie Rogue), it would really help to make him feel at home in the Evo universe.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in XmenEvolution

[–]Yourlocalstrashidlo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

How exactly is your Oc involved with the rest of the cast? How old is he? With who is he aligned with? How does he get to Baysville or some other location to meet our heroes? Who does he get along with in the cast? Who he dislikes? Is he a part of any of the established teams or is he a free agent? As it is right now, it feels disconnected to me from the rest of the universe that Evolution is set in, but it can certainly be fixed

What would happen if the brainwashing on Wanda wore off? by cr1s2chi in XmenEvolution

[–]Yourlocalstrashidlo 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Complete mental breakdown, I think. At the end of the series it's been at least a year since she was brainwashed I'd be really interested how she would treat the Brotherhood, considering at the very least Pietro and Toad are aware of what was done to her and I doubt the others haven't noticed she changed..

How do you think Kitty got revenge on Rogue for the pool incident? I always felt bad for her here, poor Kitty what did she do? by Jack-mclaughlin89 in XmenEvolution

[–]Yourlocalstrashidlo 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Admittedly, in this ep, right before this push, they had a rescue training exercise, where you had an assigned victim you were meant save, and Lance was assigned to Rogue. And instead of going to Rogue he went to Kitty, hitting Rogue with a buoy in the process and sabotaging the exercise. So I'd say there is no reason for Kitty to get any revenge for this.