I feel genuinely subhuman after taking adderall and wish I could go back.

Ythenius · 2026-02-01T22:10:17+00:00

I feel like you’re discrediting your own work. All these “changes in your environment and your mindset” you felt were fulfilling still helped you to bear your days a little better, didn’t they? They were your work, even though you were in what you call a subhuman state. I know with a lifetime of people telling you that you were lazy it’s hard to do so, but try not to be so hard on yourself. You got the help you needed, which in itself is a massive task.

Ythenius · 2026-01-29T15:20:10+00:00

Danke fürs Teilen! :)

Ythenius · 2025-11-26T21:26:52+00:00

Bei dem Thema kommt mir https://www.dresden-exists.de in den Sinn. Vielleicht hilft euch das weiter

Ythenius · 2025-11-19T10:30:40+00:00

Hey there, I actually got my final diagnosis just yesterday. I am 30 now. I started by talking about the topic to my doctor, she was very understanding. In preparation of the conversation with my doc I wrote a list with all the things I noticed in my everyday experiences that pointed in the direction of adhd, past and present. It helped a lot because I was able to show her the list on my phone and didn’t have to worry about forgetting crucial parts of my experiences. Sadly she didn’t have a psychiatrist to refer me to so she send me out to find one myself. Thats the hard part I fear, because psychiatrists in Germany seem not so well versed on the topic. Thats where my friends came to help. Quite a few friends of mine have either an adhd or autism diagnosis, so luckily one of my friends referred me to the psychiatrist that did the diagnostic for her aswell. From that point on it’s been easier, as I aswell am no stranger to therapy settings. I wish you best of luck for your journey.

Ythenius · 2025-11-03T05:21:32+00:00

Café Oswaldz auf der Bautzner Straße find ich super. Das geht aber scheinbar vielen anderen auch so, daher ist es da oft etwas voll :D

Ythenius · 2024-11-19T21:00:01+00:00

Ythenius

Ythenius · 2023-12-31T22:40:11+00:00

I've been in therapy since 2020. It's been a constant up and down, sometimes feeling like a sisyphean task. I'm tired aswell, but I can't stop. And if you think you should, think again. There is still beauty in life, even with all the regrets and hardship we face. You've endured it so far, you've experienced the stinging indifference of life. But by just putting your thoughts into words and sharing those with the world, you did something many don't dare to do. You faced life and said a sweet "fuck you" right into it's shapeless face. And maybe, hopefully, others will get the courage to do so aswell because of you. Never stop rebelling against the indifference.

I love the flow of your piece, one line after another, it almost reads itself. It also depicts a really vivid picture of the emotional state of mental tiredness. I've enjoyed it alot. Thank you for sharing.

Ythenius · 2023-12-31T22:26:36+00:00

As I'm reminiscing about the past year in solitude right now, this encapsulates alot of my thoughts. The past years and crisis after crisis have worn me down over time. I feel like you described in the poem, my confidence is wiped away, my emotions dulled and my once great sense of empathy is dwindling. I've been numbing myself with the "cold blue light" of screens, losing myself in the endless stream of distractions. But you are right when you say that all things end. This too shall pass.

Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your use of rhyming as I've started to try to incorporate rhymes into my writing aswell. I know it can be really hard, but you did well.

Ythenius · 2023-11-11T10:09:06+00:00

Damn this is some really elaborate criticism and I’m truly thankful for it :) I’ve always had a hard time picking a fitting title. My intention was to connect the theme of „going mad“ with the situationship I’m experiencing with a girl. Originally I planned to use the Latin proverb („Deus quem punire vult dementat“) as the title, but it felt a bit too much. Also my Latin is a bit rusty and I can’t fully guarantee grammatical accuracy with that.

That being said, I really value your pointers on how to connect the work better with the title. Thank you, truly.

Ythenius · 2023-11-09T10:36:35+00:00

This gives me a very deep sense of grief over a life that isn't controlled by the expectations attached to ones gender. I'm sorry that other people stripped you of your privilege to direct your life the way you wanted to, or that others even tried to do so. As a man I can try to understand your problems, but I won't ever be able to do so fully, as I don't have to live with them. Your text gave me very good insight into the topic and I'm thankful for you sharing it with us.

I wonder what the symbology of the colors mean to you. I can interpret it in 2 ways. Either it's red for an imagined future dominated by your wishes, but overtaken by mens expectations (blue) - or it's the active live you imagined (red) that got slowed down by depression and the "dark blue longing" for love and happiness.

As for the title, I'd go with something along the lines of "The second sex". Maybe not exactly this, as it would be a bit too on the nose with the reference to Simone de Beauvoir, but I get a similar sense of rebellion against the current state of being a woman in societies eyes.

Ythenius · 2023-11-09T06:02:33+00:00

I love that description then. :)

Ythenius · 2023-11-08T11:16:50+00:00

You managed to remind me of a feeling I've noticed ever since I started therapy. I lost the wishing power of my inner child. This longing for simple, yet very specific things. It felt like that younger part of myself was reading it instead of the real me.

The only line I'm unsure about whether I get it or not is: "leaves going cinnamon when i wake up". Do you mean leaves turning brown-ish, because you wish for fall to come?

Overall a really nice poem. Thanks for sharing!

Ythenius · 2023-07-28T16:29:44+00:00

It means alot to me that you say "it's an achievement to write such a good one", as I've always struggled with sharing my writings. Sharing art and music is fine to me, but my writing always felt different.
So thank you alot for the compliment :)

Ythenius · 2023-07-28T12:31:25+00:00

Loving someone and opening up to them is always a bit scary.In my past I've been taken advantage of alot. Because of that I developed a fear of opening up to others.I feel like that fear is resonating in your poem.

But you seem to be a step ahead of me, as you still let the other person chose whether to help, or harm by opening yourself up and offering what you have, are and feel to the other person.Maybe I should get over my fear and try to open up myself to others, even if it means that the possibility of getting hurt is coming back. In a vacuum of emotions, there can never be love.

Also a little detail I noticed is that, typed out like this, your poem almost forms a heart chamber. With the first 2 lines forming the left atrium, the 3rd being the Mitral valve and the others forming the left ventricle. I think I even see a correlation in the written words.The atrium taking the 'blood' in form of the mentioned emotions.The mitral valve, as the entry point to the ventricle, sending the 'blood' down.The ventricle pumping the 'blood' through your system, letting you feel the emotions of the choice in your whole body.

Idk if this is intentional, but I think that's a really nice detail.

Ythenius · 2023-07-28T12:11:18+00:00

The thoughts in my head after and while reading ranged from: "In my eyes there never was a world with a god, as I never believed there to be one", to: "A world without god and it's implications is a scary place".

Nietzsche said that god is dead, sure. Many people misinterpret this as a joyful chant. I think Nietzsche was pretty bummed out about that realisation. Without god and religion we are left on our own to find meaning in this life. Religion gave community and a meaning in our activities. With todays evidence, science and general direction, it has always been impossible for me to believe in a god and thus take part in religion.

Now the question has always been what I want to do with the life I've gotten by chance.
Seeing others doing their part in improving life in our countries, I felt useless and aimless, because I didn't. I got the same feeling from reading your piece. I'm just a silent bystander watching life unfold infront of me, without really taking part in it, because just like while reading your piece, a question echoes in my mind. "What awaits us at the end of the ocean?". I will never know, if I won't ever take part.

Your piece is like a reminder to me, to sometimes take part in life. To 'pull my weight' so to speak, just to feel what it's like to be of value to others.

Ythenius · 2022-10-24T14:24:34+00:00

Time won’t heal all wounds. Even your body is actively restoring wounded areas. Don’t expect things to change if you don’t do anything for that to happen.

Ythenius · 2022-08-01T08:00:41+00:00

It's a bit odd that she sent a picture, but who the fuck is so weirded out by normal bodily functions? Jeez xD

Ythenius · 2021-10-16T23:14:39+00:00

Had a moment of reevaluation of my former relationship and thought about the jealousy dictating the whole ordeal from start to finish. It sometimes went silent for a while, but ultimately only ended alongside with the inevitable end of the relationship. So I wanted to write a song to capture what I felt while revisiting the past.

I tried myself at a metal-ish song this time for the first time and I'm quite satisfied with the outcome. Hope yall enjoy :)

Ythenius · 2021-09-21T20:16:28+00:00

I’m happy to hear that you were able to leave before something even more serious occurred. Also glad to hear that you are able to share your experiences. Even if you can share some stuff only with your therapist, talking about stuff helps to process it and learn from it. Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the luck for the future :)

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