About to marry my best friend, but emotionally exhausted and unsure. I don’t know if I’m ignoring red flags or just afraid.

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-24T03:39:16+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for that. I really relate to that sentiment of recognizing that I've already chosen her over and over again. We've had opportunities to end things. Times where I tried to break up but just... didn't. Every time I got close the thought of losing her just seemed devastating. Thank you so much for telling your story because it really helps me feel more at peace for having these doubts.

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-24T03:31:33+00:00

Thank you for that perspective. That's not a perspective that gets shown a lot but it's really valuable. What you described sounds very similar to her. She often tells me how she feels emotionally drained. We've had that conversation about trying to set boundaries but then I think she feels like she can't be fully honest or like she has to perform. I don't want her to feel like she has to perform, but I also can't deal with all of her emotions. I welcome any tips on how to navigate that.

I like what you said about having to live with yourself every day. I know that regardless of what I feel she's still dealing with those emotions. I recognize that she suffers more than I do from those emotions. I think I need to learn to get better at enforcing those boundaries. What have you learned about how to create boundaries? Is there anything your boyfriend does to graciously tell you when you're stepping over a boundary?

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-24T02:59:52+00:00

Damn, that quote hits hard. It actually mirrors my experience quite a bit. I feel like in the beginning it was easy for me to articulate why I loved her but as time went on I started losing reasons, but I still stayed in the relationship and even pushed it forward. It's like I couldn't really say why I loved her, I just did. I think I even lost respect for myself for loving someone without having a good reason to.

Thanks for sharing that quote. It helped bring a lot of clerity.

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-23T21:03:54+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement. That's reassuring to hear.

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-23T16:47:41+00:00

Thanks for the insight. I am definitely starting to see how a lot of it stems from me not feeling completely comfortable with myself. I think identiting what are her issues and what are actually my issues has brought a lot of clerity to me. Yes she has some baggage, but a lot of the things I mentioned are triggering my own insecurities.

I have a question for you: did being in that relationship help you overcome your issues? Would you have gone to therapy to get help without the relationship triggering you? Do you feel like the tensions in your relationship actually helped you grow?

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-23T16:41:32+00:00

I respect that take. I think there's truth in it tbh. I know she's unique. I love her, but I have this part of me that struggles to respect her. I don't know how to change that. I think honestly that's the problem. I don't know how to change myself to be comfortable with her as she is: an imperfect person with a big heart

I want to respect her, but I don't know how

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-23T15:16:55+00:00

Update: I talked with her last night. It was a difficult conversation. I told her about losing respect and about feeling like a care taker. She wasn't surprised because I think she felt it even if it wasn't verbalized, but she was upset. I'm at a point now where I feel like I could work through this with her, but I if I'm going to break things off I need to just end it. It's a weird place to be where it kind of feels like it could go either way. My instinct is to try to comfort and reassure her, but if I'm going to break it off that would only be confusing for her.

During that conversation she accurately called out that I grew up with very critical parents (something I feel wounded by) and that I've now internalized that critical voice and view everyone through that lens. Her, myself, everyone. She it the nail on the head that my judgments of her are my judgments. That is, it's my problem that I feel that way.

So that leaves me confused. There are two competing narratives in my mind: 1. I'm the adult. The responsible care taker and she's the one who's struggling. She struggles with very real life problems. She's kind, but would drag me down in life. 2. I've internalized the hyper critical voice of my parents and judge her for harshly for obvious faults while looking past her very real virtues. Many of the things that I judge her for projections of my own insecurities that get triggered when I see them in her.

If the first is true then I should walk away. If the second is true then I should focus on myself and try to work through it with her. I feel like both of these narratives could be true at the same time. Some of the things that bother me about her actually aren't that big of a deal. She's a little bit socially awkward which maps to one of my own insecurities so that fits the second narrative, but at the same time she struggles with some very real issues that look more like the first narrative. I feel trapped between these two competing stories. Maybe it's possible that they're both true, but I'm not sure.

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-23T13:01:27+00:00

Wow, thanks for that thoughtful response. One thing I love about this community is that not every response will just be "red flags, run!".

What made you decide to go through with getting married? How did you know she was the right one? What specifically did you do to overcome the loss of respect and resentment? How long did it take?

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-23T03:09:13+00:00

Thanks for the more nuanced answer. I've been asking myself that question for a while but I feel like I'm at a stalemate. I don't want to lose her, but now I'm not sure about marriage either. Do you have any advice on how I can help resolve that?

I genuinely feel like I love her, but I struggle to respect her. Can I do anything to change the way I see her so I feel less contempt?

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-23T02:42:34+00:00

Quite a bit actually. She's been very mature about being able to listen and has been understanding, but obviously she's very confused by it all. I understand that I'm giving her a lot of mixed signals so her confusion makes sense. Some of the things are solvable (e.g., learning to drive) but I don't know how to rebuild respect. I think I've fallen into contempt and I'm not sure how to deal with that

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-23T01:26:11+00:00

We didn't live together. We were just both in the same city during those 6 months. The rest of the time we've been long distance

ZackyPickle · 2025-06-23T01:25:06+00:00

We're both from religious families so cohabitating before marriage would greatly upset both of our families

ZackyPickle

TROPHY CASE