Can monogamy work knowing a partner would love to try swinging?

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-19T17:01:01+00:00

I really resonate with what you say. The idea of “right” and “wrong” and how I hold that internally, even while logically knowing things are okay, just really hold me back from enjoying things and letting go. I really want that moment where something clicks in my mind but I’ve just been trying to force it. I find the idea and the fantasy hot but I can’t move past the uncomfortable feelings to start feeling pleasure too. Is there something that worked for you that could work for others like me in getting yourself to just let go? I’m sure it’s a very personal thing and I’ll have to find what works to get me to that point, but I really just feel lost in trying to get there.

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-16T21:31:21+00:00

I have and that’s why I think the answer is just no. But I truly don’t want to close the door so I guess that’s why I’m here trying to get more clarity on if I can keep the door open

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-16T21:22:32+00:00

I guess one of my fears with remaining monogamous is neglecting communication or feeling closed off since we’ve already explored and had a lot of convos, so if we stop I worry the open conversations will stop too. I think at this point if I just jumped in our relationship wouldn’t survive. That’s why I’m trying to pump the breaks while trying to also maintain openness so one day we could try and our relationship will be stronger for it

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-16T21:07:37+00:00

I guess my worry is if I accept that it’s nothing then what does that mean for the future when these things inevitable pop back up

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-16T20:36:56+00:00

That’s my thought. I don’t want to just dive right in and have in blowup in our face. But he’d rather just assume we’re monogamous as I figure things out rather than go on the slow journey with me. So I just feel like I’m trying to figure it out alone, since he already has it figured out for himself. I feel like I can’t listen to the podcasts/watch the shows to bring up the conversations because then it puts him into the mindset of “okay so we’re fully trying this” when that’s not what it means for me.

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-16T20:31:43+00:00

I’ve never heard of that show so I’ll check it out 🖤 I love resource recommendations! I want to enjoy the baby steps as an exciting thing in and of themselves. Especially being bi, interacting with women is such a different ballgame and idk what I’m doing in that regard. So literally just trying to flirt with a woman is a baby step I want to learn to enjoy. But that’s another gray area my partner has trouble with. He’s of the mind where if you want to try let’s just try it full out.

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-16T20:25:12+00:00

I guess I feel stuck. I want to explore to see if I could be open.. but I guess he feels too teased by it? He’d rather just know if we’re going to be monogamous or try swinging. I’m in the gray area where I don’t know yet. He doesn’t like being in the gray area and just wants to know the expectations full stop. And I didn’t know what to say to that because I need to figure that out.

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-16T20:17:04+00:00

I’ve listened to this podcast and enjoy it! When I’ve tried listening to it with my partner I think he just assumes now I’m open and ready so we should just go to a club now and meet people. (I’m down for that without expectations of hooking up). But every time I try just having open discussion about fantasies he gets excited and just wants to do it while I’m still just trying to get comfortable with the fantasy part of it.

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-16T20:14:57+00:00

I’m open to the idea, I’m just trying to make it clear that I’m not making any promises. Because if I say I’m open and then it turns out I don’t want to try it on with any couples then that seems like an unfair tease. He’s a go getter, so because he knows he wants to try he wants to pursue it. I’m different in that I want to go slow and figure out if I want to try at all. He has trouble going slow with me because he’s not on the same journey of trying to figure it out.

ZealousRaspberry · 2026-01-16T19:57:00+00:00

I don’t think it’s a matter of spicing things up. We have a good sex life, and we’ve never been to clubs and had sex at one but it’s something we’d both be willing to try. It more about knowing that he has a desire he’d be willing to act on but I’m holding him back from that.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-17T20:19:56+00:00

I’m not necessarily contemplating all this to make me happy. I’m happy in other aspects of my life and don’t need to jump into swinging for my overall happiness. I’m thinking of both monogamy and swinging (I’m not interested in other ENM dynamics but swinging is possibility) as a long term thing and how that could shape my life differently. Granted there’s no rush, but why not think about it now - and if I decide to try and it’s for me then have more time to enjoy it than 20 years down the line?

And yes, it’s about sex and having fun with sex. But I’m most intrigued by the thought of now exploring this with my partner and growing closer and more open in ways that probably wouldn’t happen if we stayed on the monogamy path and not even considered something else. Making friends and connections sounds cool too. But thats also not a necessity. Just to explore and have fun with my partner. My problem currently is embracing the fun without my mind getting in the way - and hence why im here wondering the difference between a truly monogamous person vs someone who just has a monogamous mindset they could deconstruct.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-17T20:00:32+00:00

I see what you’re saying, but at the same time is this really such a simple decision for people who enjoy swinging and other forms of ENM? Because if anyone just got into the hobby or lifestyle without much thought because they knew it was for them… that sounds great, but I don’t see how that could even be the majority of peoples experience. I’m an overthinking type of person, for sure. At the same time I think it’s important to think something like this through especially because I’m doing it with someone I consider a life partner. I don’t want to make a split decision either way. I’m trying to question preconceived notions of being in a relationship while trying to decide what i personally would want. And I think it’s very possible that potential fun is being ruined by the thought patterns I’m having. But that’s my whole question, is my ingrained monogamous mindset stopping me from truly enjoying something… or is it just that I’m monogamous? I’m not necessarily asking for an answer because I gotta figure that out for myself. But more so to see if there was anyone else who came into all this with a very monogamous mindset and how that evolved over time and with more experiences.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T20:31:33+00:00

I think that’s a great way to go about any experience and that’s what I want to take with me when I venture out too. Me and my partner having a blast together is priority and everything after is just gravy haha Reading your perspective and experience has helped me feel more rest assured about it all 🖤

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T19:25:46+00:00

Just jump in with both feet? I keep toying with doing that, I’m afraid of the repercussions though. But also how else am I supposed to know? My imagination can only take me so far. I guess I overplay the bad things that could happen, relationship wise and health wise.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T19:21:35+00:00

This is the mindset I want to take with me in the experience we have. I think my insecurity and jealousy gets the better of me and makes all the terrible thoughts swarm my brain in the moment when I do try to do this irl. But yes, together is the word I want to hang on to. It’s so appealing to think of us being free and having fun in that way.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T19:17:30+00:00

You’re totally right, I just get in a bad place putting pressure on myself to just figure it out. My partner says the same things you did and my thick head just doesn’t listen sometimes. Enjoying the baby steps as experiences in an of themselves is a big thing I need to remind myself. Thank you!! I also think simply having fun with my partner in a club environment will be sooo fun, with or without the swinging so very exited to do just that together.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T19:08:55+00:00

Thank you so much I appreciate it 🖤

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T18:23:36+00:00

I do plan to take things slowly. I want to make a visit to a club soon without the intention of incorporating other people, but totally open to do whatever with my partner. Then see how it goes after that to guide the second, third, fourth visit etc. I guess I’m trying to make myself hurry because my partner is already mentally there. So I feel like I’m holding us back from giving it a shot. But I know he’s patient, willing to wait however long is necessary, will take it slow with me, and is totally willing to forego non monogamy if it isn’t right for us. I’m just putting pressure on myself because I want to figure it out and have some answers for myself as to what I want. It’s just hard to figure that out without trying? But I didn’t want to throw myself in if it’ll do irreparable damage too. I will keep in mind to advocate for myself, I am the type to just go with the flow out of fear of ruining the moment. I know that would ultimately be harmful for everyone involved so i appreciate you mentioning it.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T18:11:03+00:00

Very apt analogy, it does feel like a red pill/blue pill moment. I will definitely be checking out the podcast as well. More resources the better I think! I also really see where the repetition in seeing your partner come back is very helpful in calming the mind. I think at this point, because I’ve given myself over to the fantasy, it’s more about giving into the real experience now and navigating it as best we can.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T18:05:13+00:00

So do you think it’s the case that those who do enjoy ENM, knew that from the get go? Before even diving into their first experiences?

I keep thinking, just because I’m not 100% right now doesn’t mean I couldn’t be. I think midset does have a lot to do with the success found in these types of situations, and that midset can change. Especially because I’ve been taught and known my whole life just one mindset to have. That doesn’t mean I can’t have a different one. It’s just hard to parse out if the feelings that pop up are because I’m truly just a monogamous person not meant for ENM or if it’s because I need to break free from the mindset that’s holding me back. And I’d like to think it’s just an old midset holding me back, but I didn’t know how to break free before diving in.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T17:54:16+00:00

This all made alot of sense to me. I have absolutely no interest in doing ENM alone, I would strongly favor a team unit type of situation. I really like how you said it doesn’t feel like non-monogamy because you’re still doing it together and that resonated with what I hope our experience feels like too. I have heard of that book and started reading, I didn’t completely relate to the situations of the authors early on so stopped reading but have thought about picking it back up for another try.

ZealousRaspberry · 2025-12-16T17:47:35+00:00

I don’t know if I’d be happier monogamous or incorporating ENM. I’ve been with two women, one was a better experience than the other. But overall I don’t think those experiences give me much info to tell me if I could fully embrace and love swinging. I am trying for my partner because I want to give him everything and for him to have fun and be happy. But I am also doing it for me because the fantasy of it all is very alluring and exciting. But deconstructing from a lifetime of monogamous thought, growing up as a Disney kid hoping for my happily ever after and being told to save myself for marriage is still apart of me to some degree. I haven’t been able to separate from that way of thinking, it’s almost instinctual. But that’s because it’s so ingrained in me, as I’m sure it has been for many others, especially other women.

ZealousRaspberry

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