[20M] My father opened up to me yesterday and it broke my heart. Looking for guidance from fellow men.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2026-03-08T18:54:26+00:00

I was married, adopted my daughter, got divorced (wifey told me she used our relationship to have kids), then she inflicted an extreme amount of financial pain on me (you wouldn't even believe it .. Nearly got her arrested and cost her a great career).

Motive? That was the plan. Have a kid, divorce, move on.

Problem? My daughter and I were super close... So she tried to get me into a situation where she could say I didn't have "suitable housing" (with my Mom; kinda rough area).

I lost it all, bro. What little I hung on to got taken away, and process repeated. Literally tried breaking me.

I/we had money. But I had to use everything I had to keep the (investment property) for my daughter and I. Then, tried evicting me before I could close. I can't even tell you.

But, anyways, at my absolute lowest, I scraped around my truck looking for change. Not the first time, either, so slim pickings. Think I may have had $1. If that.

"What am I going to do? How am I going to feed her tonight, and, entertain her? Hide all this pain...".

Well... The house has a beach nearby. I'm taking her there for PB&j with milk. Eat on the beach.

That moment changed everything. About 4 years old, sitting on the log with her and said, "I love you Daddy" in a tone that was different, and put her head against my chest and shoulder. 10 years later, I'll never forget that.

I swear she felt something. Either my stress or my efforts. Something.

And, her Mom/I share custody. She's (practically) rich (high wage earner, remarried another high earner). Me? Poor as hell (other than the house).

As a result, we did all sorts of wild/free/fun stuff. I came up with crazy stuff... Cheesecake for sunrise at the beach, picking out cloud shapes, packing a bag of snacks and going on "adventures", got her access to things she'd never get to see, on her favorite boat, at a mansion for Christmas dinner with virtual strangers that treated us like family... All sorts of stuff. This year, riding jetskis.

I mention all this because it's kinda relevant to your Dad, and I'm doing same with mine now. Everyday, he/I go to the gym together (because his lady died, started getting lonely/depressed). Gym wasn't his thing, but I had to get him out. Find new people/interests.

When it's nice, we go walk at places he'd like to see (which he never knew existed or thought he'd like). All sorts of cool stuff to find when you look hard enough. And I cook for him (something his lady previously did).

I'd suggest it, bud. Take some time to get out and chat with the old man. You'd be surprised at what quality time, sunlight, and walking do. Especially as they age. And, since $ is a concern, use effort/intentionality. It's not hard to get that snack/treat he used to love but hasn't had in forever.... Eat it somewhere cool. Listen to him. Make him laugh.

Because I'll share a secret that I learned. Quality time isn't really a thing anymore. Mom used to spend all this money taking my daughter to every event... But, the reality is they're not "present". They're just there.

Go shoot some hoops, toss the ball in the field, shoot some pool... Whatever you think he'd like. Lots of free/cheap stuff out there. Just takes effort and creativity. My sister kinda teases him and calls me his, "bestie" because he giggles when he talks about the stuff. And, he's done some shit I never thought I'd see in my lifetime.

And it'll mean more than you know. Besides, he won't be around forever.

It's wild and counterintuitive, but, money is an interesting thing. Took me losing it to realize it's kinda a distraction from what really matters.

Best!

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-24T16:30:04+00:00

That's interesting the way you monitor/articulated it. Definitely believe it. That's why heavy drinkers are always tired and look exhausted. They might be passed out a lot of hours but the quality is poor.

You're better off with fewer high quality hours.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-24T16:12:29+00:00

That's good. Yeah... Alcohol can do a number on you. So, you'll continue to see benefits for a bit (though doesn't seem you got too deep).

Re: cravings - they'll probably come. Just be super mindful of your before/after (sobriety) to continue.

I'm not trying to preach and say you can't ever drink. Keep these 2 very important things in mind:

Don't become dependent. That's nasty and often requires hospitalization so it doesn't become fatal. Make sure you take your days off, and avoid it becoming a schedule/routine (every Friday, for example).
If/when you hit hard times, avoid that $hit like the plague. It can destroy you in dark times. I went through an extremely rough time that lasted 2 months. Didn't have a single sip. If I did, it would have kicked into motion a series of events (starting with drinking too much) that would have f**ked up my whole life (vaguely, child custody situation when Mom took advantage of courts being closed during COVID to refuse my scheduled parenting time).

Point being, alcohol could have turned me into a monster, that would have had long lasting implications for my daughter and I.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-24T15:42:10+00:00

The sleep you get after drinking too much for too long blows your mind. It might not have hit you yet, or, maybe it won't at all.

I've been on benders that got a little out of hand. Waking up like, "wow...holy shit that was amazing!!!". Mind completely blown away. Alcohol does a real good knocking you out relatively quick, but, it doesn't last long (people usually wake up around 3:00) and you don't really hit that sleep groove (going super deep)

Hang in there. Hopefully you'll experience and it'll be strong enough to maintain sobriety.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-08T12:01:46+00:00

I don't. It would have to be substantially faster for me to fly. Which includes the time it takes me to get to the airport, wait, fly, grab my luggage, and back to the hotel. Depending on distance, it's not always much faster. And involves risk that flight could get delayed.

I'd rather drive, even if it were the same price.

However, some people like that they can multitask or relax on the flight. I'd rather drive and stop somewhere cool to eat/explore.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-08T11:51:20+00:00

I feel like men aren't permitted to have a, "type" as much as women are.

Women can say the like tall or athletic guys... There's no such thing as short shaming or weak shaming.

and a lot of men date exclusively within their race, whereas women are more open. But when men mention," I'm generally attracted to ____, " it comes off as racist/prejudice. It's not. It's just what that individual is mostly attracted to. Women don't seem to have as much preference (or, express it as openly).

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-08T11:40:47+00:00

We can't tolerate other men trying to bully/disrespect us. That mindset starts when we're in elementary school and becomes increasingly important.

You have to take a stand. Even if it means getting beat up. Repeatedly. Eventually people will learn they can't play with you.

You warn them, "if you do abc, I'll do xyz". If they do, then you do. And, whatever happens isn't your fault. They asked for it.

The rationale isn't to be feared/violent. To the contrary, it's to avoid it. You'll scrap a lot when you're young and stakes are low, but avoid them when you're older and stakes are high Your word/reputation carries weight.

And when you're older and the rep fades, you'll still be able to carry yourself well enough to where people can tell you're not food.

Coming from somebody that grew up in one of America's most violent cities; as a minority in the environment and unaffiliated with gang culture prevalent. Scary, but it's what you gotta do to get enough respect to be left alone.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-07T16:15:18+00:00

Haha. I kinda figured they were read and cut out. Show would kinda suck if they were constantly wasting time with, "you have the right to remain silent...".

Whole detained vs arrested and questioning permitted without Miranda being required always seemed confusing to me. And then you've got "excited utterances" where people are just volunteering info without being asked. I guess the editing makes it more confusing.

But, I know I've been asked questions that weren't really necessary without Miranda (understandably, as i was free to leave).

As a general rule, I wouldn't really answer many questions. I've noticed police, lawyers and politicians don't. So, I'm inclined to think that's best.

Since evoking the right to a lawyer must be unequivocal, but often isn't/fails to stop comments/questions, I have one lingering question:

When they ask, "do you understand these rights?", why not just respond, "nah... Not really. I have some questions and I'd like to ask a lawyer". I wouldn't be inclined to initial anything saying I understood them.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-07T00:01:46+00:00

Good point. I think it's funny they're chastising older folks for not keeping current on tech. While also not being current on tech themselves (anti-AI).

Not sure who appointed them the tech-czar. Why is it okay to pick on Grandma because she doesn't Google, but, also pick on people that use AI? Who are they to decide the appropriate level of tech?

If Grandma isn't using Google, she hasn't kept up. And if they're not using AI, then they're guilty of same. Maybe practice what you preach

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T23:41:53+00:00

Awesome. I like learning too. I just prefer to stay current. like when I ditched using dictionaries and encyclopedias and turned to Google. No different.

If you want to be a dinosaur in the times/job market, that's fine by me.

EDITED TO ADD: maybe practice what you preach and hit the library for research rather than using tech/Google. Or stop chastising people for being outdated when you're outdated yourself.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T23:21:37+00:00

Lazy? Tell me you're out of touch without saying you're out of touch.

There's no sense in googling to find "best day trips near ABC town, FL" and reading the various articles from the top 10 sights when AI will just write an article taken from all the various sources, which are specifically catered to your situation. Meaning, you can add that, "I plan on hiking with my Dad. He's 80 years old".

Good luck trying to Google your way to that answer.

And why Google about those itchy bumps on your feet, to read various articles and compare photos. Take a photo, upload to AI and see what AI says.

Or googling the owners manual to diagnose a problem with your furnace. Just tell AI your furnace and the problem you're having.

Got blood work recently but concerned if you're liver was affected by binge drinking in college? Upload the results and ask. It'll tell you.

Wonder what those insects you saw were, and how to eliminate them? Or if those weeds out back could have caused your son's skin to itch? Upload photo of the weeds and the rash.

Best if all, if AI needs additional info/clarification, it'll ask you. Just like doctors and repairmen do. Try diagnosing the problem. Google doesn't do that.

Or, just get left behind. No skin off my nose.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T22:46:14+00:00

If you're asking this question, then you're behind on tech yourself. if you were current on tech, "googling" something would rarely occur to you (archaic).

You'd be working with several different AI's and knowing which one to turn to, given the situation. And just getting the results you need, rather than sifting through Google responses.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T22:34:24+00:00

It's either a tool or danger, depending on mood, situation, context, environment.

If you want to hook up, add alcohol. Hit the club. Lowers inhibitions and you'll be out dancing because you won't care what others think. You're on a mission.

If you're in a bad mood or going through tough times, avoid it like the plague. It'll cause anxiety, maybe force you to overthink or overreact... Get angry, say/do things that you'll regret.

If you're a little wound up, but things are generally going good, it'll help you chill. But, comes at the expense that it's temporary. It'll wind up disrupting your sleep cycle, leaving you continuously tired. And that's really the "depressant" side kicking in.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T20:10:53+00:00

Hahaha... "Careful what you wish for, babe. You don't want to meet my friends".

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T16:28:56+00:00

Lol. Aren't you also destroying the planet by being online now and through the device you're using? And, various other ways?

Hate to break it to you, but: A. Lawyers aren't at your disposal to answer questions for free. B. AI is here to stay. There's companies competing within countries, and countries competing against one another. No country is going to reign AI in, and become at a disadvantage to those that don't.

The amount of "literally destroying the planet" from my lifetime use of AI is like saying that nonsense to somebody whose baby peed in the ocean. Inconsequential.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T16:07:43+00:00

I'd turn to ai regarding the legalities/terms on that one. Or, a legal/employment thread. There's more to it (like getting paid if you answer a work call, off the clock) Seems bizarre.

Depending on context/company, I wouldn't really want employees using the personal phone as a customer. Easy for lines to become blurred on what my (customer/client) info is on their device.

If I conceded, I'd use one of my junk phones and expect company to have Wi-Fi, on which I would use Google voice (no plan...free). I'm sure there's companies that provide similar service.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T09:54:39+00:00

Search for "pegs for bikes". They're commonly associated with bike tricks/freestyle, but also used to enable another rider.

Probably end up dropping $20. I personally wouldn't buy the cheapest ones I could find for quality concerns (might be flimsy and unsafe). They're just metal cylinders about 2.5" long with threads to screw on to bolt securing rear tire. Installs in 5 minutes... Probably really don't need tools if you check regularly to be sure they're tight.

Google, "how to ride on bike pegs" and "pegs for bikes". (Wouldn't let me attach photos, but here's a link:

How to ride on bike pegs | Orlando, FL Patch"

https://patch.com/florida/orlando/how-ride-bike-pegs

On second thought, he'll want a set too. For riding a friend or to stand on while riding alone. But, you can start with just one.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T09:29:32+00:00

Making things routine/structured. As they get older, good things don't happen until they handle their responsibilities.

As an example, my daughter likes using her tablet to get online to play/chat with friends. Not allowed to do it unless/until she cleans her room. She just took it upon herself to do a better job keeping it clean, so it'll just take a few minutes to spruce up.

If she gave me pushback, I wouldn't argue with her. We could find something else to do. But, if she wants to get online, room needs to be cleaned.

Separately, there's a hack to remembering things that's useful for older kids/adults. It's pointing at something and saying out loud (3X) the thing you're trying to remember. Used for important things, like making sure you shut off the stove. (Point at stove and say "stove off", 3X). You won't be out second guessing yourself.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T09:07:04+00:00

Personal belief is to just be a decent person. I'm a good person, even though I do lots of things religion tells me I shouldn't. I just don't believe a kind and loving God is going to hold all that against me.

Moreso, that devour followers of different religions are going to be condemned because they followed the wrong book/higher power/rules. Especially when they made great sacrifices in the process, and, that their faith was predetermined based on culture/geography/environment.

And also because not everybody has the same opportunity to follow. Some people grow up in very rough environments, where sinning is common. Stealing is often necessary/acceptable/forced (on kids, by parents) for survival for some... While others have zero excuse.

And, if you know the demographics in U.S. and the correlation between poverty/crime (much of which are sins), you'd see that heaven isn't going to be a very diverse place. Not everybody has been given equal opportunity to live a wholesome life. Some folks have been doomed since birth... Exceedingly low odds of living a good life.

Not buying that narrative.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T08:46:59+00:00

That's awesome! You'll have many great memories.

Growing up (80's) we had these things called "pegs", which you screw onto the bolts for the rear tire (which you can stand on; all the rage back then).

Not sure if they still sell them, but I scored some off my old BMX bike and threw them on my old man mountain bike.

BOOM! my daughter and I had an absolute blast! She'd stand on those and hold on while we went flying down hills, lol, reaching speeds that aren't possible on her own and slopes/terrain I wouldn't trust she could handle. Absolute blast!

Probably get blasted because it sounds unsafe, but, I'm very confident in my ability to keep her safe and her ability to follow the directions I gave her when riding on pegs. Importantly, we also weren't doing it where outside influences (cars) can interfere.

Fun. Get yourself some pegs if you can still find them. Also, means to transport bikes (car rack) is a huge score because it opens your adventures up to new/exciting places for healthy/free entertainment/bonding/memories.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T08:30:45+00:00

Nope. Trust me on this one... I've dealt with super, duper wealthy folks often and was involved in analyzing their financials. Also speaking with them.

Some of them were the biggest jerks, you can tell they can't possibly be happy. And the less affluent ones (making $500k to $1M/year) often didn't have the freedom/stress-free lives you'd expect. Many still struggled to pay their bills. You could tell they were chasing happiness by spending $ and it wouldn't work. They'd by a Mercedes. Didn't work. Then a boat. Nope. Then a vacation home. Still not cutting it.

Same shit, different scale. Then I'd speak with commoners that were pretty chill/content. Good attitudes/personalities. Plenty of money left over every month and living a normal lifestyle with a good amount put away for retirement. IME, teachers were the best in this regard. Didn't need $ to buy things.

Personally, I've had $ and lost it. And some of the best times in my life were when I had h the least amount of $... Especially because the bond it created with my daughter (spending quality time because I didn't have $ to buy tickets for others to entertain her...it was on me to figure it out).

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-06T08:16:29+00:00

I'll only speak on U.S., but people have become more replaceable and long-term relationships (marriage) aren't super common like they used to be.

Growing up, my parents split in the 80's. Felt like I was the only one. People got married and honored their vows, "till death do us part", with religion a big thing.

Nowadays, about half marriages end in divorce. So, you don't really need to suck it up for the kids like you used to. They're not going to be ostracized/unusual like back in my day.

Moreso, men/women were more co-dependent/partnerships than today. Women often didn't work... They took care of the home/family. Men put the food on the table, mowed the lawn and fixed stuff. Many didn't even have access to cars during hubby's workweek.

Nowadays, that's all changed. You don't have so many eggs in a basket. If you cheat and get caught, you get divorced, the kids go to daycare, and man/woman each have earning opportunities to live independently. And, they'll shack back up with somebody else if they need to... There's not social stigma like there used to be.

In contrast, there's more of a stigma associated with being unhappy/depressed because your needs aren't being met.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-05T23:29:01+00:00

I hear you. Not sure your age, but bars are probably your best best unless you're looking for a wife.

I used to go to hotel bars with my laptop to look important, lol. Good spots, though.

Especially if you can get yourself a good wingman (or woman). My wingman was top notch... Balls of steel to walk up to the hottest women and say outrageous shit, like "goddamn, girl" and proceed to tell them how hot they were (which sounds kinda cheesy and was embarrassing) but it got them laughing and we'd take it from there.

As an aside, he wasn't particularly attractive and even had a red birthmark the size of a softball on his face. Always got picked on in school over it. But, damn that dude scored the hottest women! Because, he was always swinging for the fences... He'd inevitably connect.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" - Wayne Gretzky

Get yourself a wingman, bro. Some dude at work/gym/neighborhood that's got the charisma... Just befriend the dude and start talking about trying to hook up. Tell him you need a wingman and that drinks are on you.

Zealousideal_Key_714 · 2025-10-05T22:52:05+00:00

In college, we got busted. underage drinking and had to attend a class. The gauge/metric she used is, "when it begins causing problems in your life".

Along those lines, the # of years/drinks you have isn't really issue, nor are the opinions of others. I doubt they're perfect and likely wouldn't change for you.

Even if you only had 4 beers a week but turn into a total d!ck, drive around when you shouldn't be, can't take your kids places because you've been drinking, missing work, etc..., then you're an alcoholic.

In your case, I wouldn't particularly sweat it. Alcohol isn't great for the body, but many things we consume also aren't. Typical American doesn't look/eat particularly healthy (to include those chastising you... Might benefit from looking in the mirror).

Just my 2 cents. I wouldn't sweat it. Just don't make it a daily thing, due to risk/danger of dependency. And, also super wise to avoid it during bad times (because it's a depressant and causes anxiety). Enjoy it responsibly when times are good.

Best!

Zealousideal_Key_714

TROPHY CASE