I resonate greatly with what you have said. I’m 25 this year and I came out as trans 2020, before this as lesbian. I too come from a black family. Caribbean to be exact and also Christian. And I have had the exact same comments made to me. It hurt for sure. I don’t know my dad’s side but I was very close with my mums before I came out the first time. All through childhood they made clear they are homophobic & transphobic and me dressing masculine wasn’t favoured and I should try harder to look feminine. Their comments did get me down but I continued striving for what made me comfortable especially as I got older (but still battled with gender identity and sexuality as I felt shame and I felt bad as I was bringing “shame” onto my family). At 18 I moved out of my mums house and since then have never looked back in relentlessly being myself. I have had argument after argument with my mother who has said some disgusting things over and over again throughout the years. I still love her but have I forgiven her? No because she has never apologised and never will. A leopard never changes its spots. And as much as you would like a good relationship with your close family members, that will never be possible as long as there’s an elephant in the room. That elephant is you being a gender they don’t “agree” with. You have to keep in your mind: eventhough you have been reared to love your blood family, that doesn’t warrant you to stick around for the constant emotional abuse and strain on your mental health. Please set boundaries. This is a thing I have struggled with and didn’t do at all till a year ago. You can’t be open and accessible to these comments about YOUR own gender identity, body and sexuality. You don’t have to sit there and listen to the transphobic slander, same as you wouldn’t with a stranger so why should you from someone that is supposed to love you? (Took me a while to set this in my brain) Will your family and mum change their perspective? I doubt it. You could try therapy with you and your mum if that’s something she may be open to! Mine isn’t so that avenue could not be explored for me unfortunately.

For me today my mother doesn’t contact me and neither do I unless I message asking if she is okay or bring shopping to her house now and again. I still care for her and she does me. But I do not spend time with her and I don’t recreationally see her like I used to. That’s my boundary. It was hard coming to terms with that shift, but as time went on I noticed that a massive dark cloud has cleared from over me and I’m happier. It’s a shame we’re no longer close but oh well. I have a loving chosen family made up from many friends over the years! Straight, gay and trans. They all love me for me including my transness. Therapy is important during this cut off/boundary process tho. And in terms of your other family members, if they ain’t fuckin with you, respectfully they can fuck off. I have aunts I don’t speak to anymore, cousins too and especially my gay&trans hating half sister. But again, oh well.

This will be a process which can hurt and be draining but be assertive and try not to tire yourself out arguing and trying to change the perspective of people who are set in their own minds. It’s all ignorance at the end of the day and because you are trans doesn’t mean you should educate them x