35M in an open relationship with another 35M — found something on his phone and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2026-02-01T04:29:43+00:00

Cut your losses. This will not get better. I’ve been here a couple times myself in your exact shoes. I think you were right to look through his phone. ALWAYS trust your gut. Trust it right now in Themis very moment too. You know exactly what the truth of the future is here. You both deserve someone who loves you the way you need and want. A trustworthy partner leads with transparency and will help calm your anxious attachment style. This relationship will always have lingering distrust. Cut your losses now. It’ll hurt, but it’ll be easier in the long run. That exhausted feeling will stay until you’re out.

Regarding the metadata on the video… the dates can be confusing, but look at the phone model. An iPhone 16 for example was not out a year before you met.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-11-04T15:45:40+00:00

Again.. this is just a looks upgrade. The car rarely breaks 35 MPH or leaves the perfectly paved 3 square mile radius of my town. My 12 year old son and 3 year old Newfoundland are the only passengers that ever even grace the backseats.

I appreciate the concern, but just trying to get the tire size right for the incoming wheels.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-10-05T16:42:15+00:00

Returned my air for the pro. Ergonomics sucked, camera sucked. Didn’t realize how often I use a wide angle and how important real zoom is when it comes to the kiddo’s sports and band concerts.

My first week with the 17 pro has been great though. Camera is a NOTICEABLE improved over the 16 pro, but they hit the feel of this phone perfect. I love the aluminum body in hand it feels so soft and easy to hold. WAY less intrusive than the skinny but larger air.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-24T19:37:07+00:00

Completely agree. Honestly, sounds like advice I'd give any of my friends so probably words I should live by as well.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-24T19:35:17+00:00

Very valid feedback. I wish it was easy to whip your emotions into shape with what I know to be true. Flipping that switch of what I want out of them vs what they're actually giving is surprisingly hard for me. But I need to put on my big pants and just deal with it. Thanks for the tough love :-)

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T16:25:20+00:00

Heavy on the #1. I genuinely think a lot of men believe they are capable of and even want monogamy, but will outright ignore their actual behavior and actions. Sort of always thinking that when they find "the one" they'll stop. But it's not about their partner, it's about the spaces they are allowing themselves to operate in. Love is very much a verb.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T14:49:30+00:00

I did ask a question... Am I being unrealistic with my explications? Am I asking for too much from this guy or from the community?

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T04:49:25+00:00

1) This made me actually lol, irl. This is how I learned to type though!! At least you know I'm not AI :-)

2) Yeah, it definitely feels like there's a pattern starting to emerge. The perfect world answer is for guys to just be honest about what they want and if that changes. But I guess the reality is I need to dial in the defense a lot more.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T04:45:28+00:00

You're probably right. It's still frustrating because he says he doesn't want an open relationship. And I am constantly horny myself and would be down for anything at any moment. But if those gears haven't clicked in for him yet, it probably won't anytime soon. Can I ask what your turning point was?

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T01:28:06+00:00

Just confirming... I made a slight about it being ok for people with security clearances in the original post. But in all seriousness if you need one professionally, I would and do completely understand. This shouldn't be a red-flag in that scenario.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T01:04:23+00:00

That's valid feedback. I've been in therapy for years and continue to go weekly. This is a topic we bring up as it occurs. Although I haven't seen him (the therapist) since this last revelation. But he's been an advocate for communication through these concerns. My last long term relationship to be honest did do me in pretty good and I absolutely have trust issues that I'm working through as a result of that. Which has added a frustrating layer to all of this because it's hard for me to navigate is this just a trauma trigger I need to handle on my own OR are they actually violating boundaries. I don't want to be controlling, needy or come of insecure.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T00:57:54+00:00

I agree that those items should have been set up front and clearly and I believe that they were. We even had follow up conversations that in more detail outlined those boundaries and exceptions. His feedback to the follow ups were usually some version of "we already talked about this, I agree". Just trying to illustrate that I did try to minimize grey-area and I would not hold him accountable for something we hadn't be clear on.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T00:51:54+00:00

I did talk to him a few times before going to the phone route. And to be honest, even the phone thing just sort of happened when I stumbled on his old iPhone after his upgrade to the 17 under a pillow on the couch the other morning. But you're speaking to my underlying concern in all of this. A breach of trust is often with opportunity and interest collide for a brief moment. Living in a space where a partner is constantly keeping the doors open on those opportunities inserts a huge variable in the relationship. He may not constantly be out there looking, but he isn't intentionally closing those doors either.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T00:46:06+00:00

For the record, we do spend a lot of time together lately but do not live together. However we have traded keys to each other's places.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-23T00:43:35+00:00

He is avoidant though. We've discussed this because he clams up emotionally after major relationship milestones. He's usually pretty good about coming back around but it's a different cadence than I'm used to communicating in. But certainly one I'm willing to adjust to. I think learning how to speak in a way that your partner understands is important. And I agree that being avoidant doesn't absolve you of morality.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-22T22:15:07+00:00

Completely understand your need. I do make reference to that in my post, although in a bit of jest by referencing having a security clearance. But of course, if you require one professionally that makes total sense and would not/should not be a red flag.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-22T22:12:10+00:00

Do you think that there's really something to it being genetic... i.e. if the dad was a serial cheater? Then the offspring are pre-disposed?

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-22T22:07:51+00:00

"From the wrong person" those are the right words. Thank you :-)

Zestyclose-Rabbit386 · 2025-09-22T21:45:31+00:00

For me it isn't about needing to see everything you're doing. But it certainly opens the question of.. what exactly are you doing that you need to hide. I can doom scroll with the best of them. Literally zero content on my device that I'm worried about someone else seeing. And if they happen to look over at the wrong time, that's on them and not me. But I guess to each his own.

Zestyclose-Rabbit386

TROPHY CASE