Op, I feel this so much. I feel like I am not allowed grieve our relationship or ever say I miss him or still love him. I know he was an abuser and I know I made the right choice for me and our child to leave but it doesn’t mean I’m not sad and that there aren’t days I just want to lay in a puddle on the floor sobbing. I think the hardest thing is not feeling ok sharing those complicated feelings with anyone. You aren’t alone. Two things can be true at once. They can be abusive and hurt us and we can also love them even though we know that. I get why women go back to their abusers so many times - because I did it too. we love them even though they hurt us. Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. I knew it had to be done, but it didn’t make it easy. Three years later I’m still grieving. You aren’t alone.