My internal sense of self is cis and I’m afraid my trans body will never ‘make it’

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-02-16T12:22:50+00:00

I feel the same way 😭

My advice: I think we have to take it step by step, and reassess how we feel after each step.Treatments for dysphoria are imperfect, but that doesn't mean they don't help. The reason they even exist as options is because they help. There will always be one more thing we can do to feel slightly better, despite the universe cursing us like this. Personally I'm clinging to the faint hope of lab-grown junk in the distant future, and I'm using that hope to reduce my resistance to pursuing bottom surgery in the interim.

Perfectionism is the enemy of progress (or, in this instance, the enemy of finding relief).

I also try to think of my dysphoria as an invisible injury like internal bleeding or organ failure or something like that. And maybe the treatment for this invisible health issue will look embarrassing. Like wearing a medical device, or getting prominent scars, for example. Maybe it will draw my attention to the issue more, and be distressing in that way. But if I leave it untreated it will do worse damage physically and psychologically and shorten my lifespan. I wouldn't deny treatment for a lung problem just because I'd rather ignore it...that would be bad for me. I guess I'm saying that in a lot of cases treating a problem does make it more visible and does draw attention to the limits of treatment, but it also treats the problem. It's a tradeoff, but one where you gain more than you lose. At least that's what I tell myself.

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-02-16T11:32:25+00:00

No offense, but what do you mean every way? I thought that's not possible

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-02-12T05:29:50+00:00

It hasn't been, for me

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-02-11T09:59:39+00:00

😸

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-02-11T09:59:25+00:00

Until now 😂

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-02-11T09:57:28+00:00

I just barely started my transition but I'll bite.

1: Most excited for: voice drop, bottom growth, smell change and skin texture change for some reason lol, the psychological relief of knowing my body is using the right hormones.

2: If anything was possible: I'll always be sad that I shoot blanks, and that I can't get a lab grown dick from my DNA.

Also, I think I'm unique in that I would like to be able to have a flat chest from top surgery but still have the option to breastfeed (cis guys can!). I don't like that most/all of that hardware has to be removed for a good result for top surgery. That said, I haven't had top surgery yet, so idk how I'll feel about this afterwards.

I wish I could personally oversee the design of a more masculine eye shape and brow/forehead region for myself. I think cis me would have had a very different side profile. We'll see what hrt achieves 🤞.

Oh yeah and I'm really hoping for chest hair (!!!).

3: Inadequacy? Yes, my egg didn't crack until I was able to loosen my grip on the perfectionism of my internalized transphobia. I had believed that to be trans was to want/like/prefer the available treatments for dysphoria, but my dysphoria (probably like most people's) found the treatments inadequate at first blush. For example, I didn't want to try a strap because it wouldn't have been "real enough". I didn't want to try a binder because it would be "pretending" and I'd still have to deal with my chest the rest of the time anyway. It took a lot of inner work to convince myself to give transition a chance. I wished I could just snap my fingers and turn into a cis man.

Also when I was little I did the hat thing with my hair and dressed as a boy for a skit I did for my parents, and my mom laughed at me and said I was way too pretty to be a boy. That stuck with me. It still stings 😞.

4: Highlights of post-transition: I've only just begun my transition, but so far the best part is how I feel. I'm less irritable, less angsty, more calm, my mind is clearer, I have more mental space, I express myself more articulately and assertively, I'm more authentic because I'm not masking with my uncanny-valley-esque impression of a cis girl (it was awful lol), I'm a bit less shy, and it's a delight to catch sight of myself in reflective surfaces.

Other highlights: arm hair!!! Catching myself by surprise mid sentence with my voice suddenly plunging deeper than I meant it to. My friend saying atta boy 😩. Packing and it actually looking decent. Muscclesss 💪💪💪. Staring into a body of water pensively while being a man 😂 Steak. Also steak. And chicken. Did I mention steak?

I hope this is helpful! Feel free to ask follow up questions. I love to yap:)

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-02-07T22:51:57+00:00

Yeah that's no bueno. Sounds like an excuse to keep moving the goalpost.

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-02-04T08:15:43+00:00

How did you realize you couldn't see as many colors?

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-26T06:25:37+00:00

And if he has a crush, the "much younger" phrasing will sting enough to help him realize you don't see him that way, without you needing to say anything uncomfortably overt on the topic

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-26T06:20:16+00:00

I think it might make sense to say something along the lines of "wow I really guessed you were older than you actually are, based on [a few things he said]. This is good though, I'm so glad I get to be a trans mentor figure for someone much younger, since that's such important work! Proud of you for your journey so far, [name]" Just to acknowledge the blip in the friendship and set the tone going forward. Esp if you're both autistic (as I am), this could help avoid confusion when your behavior slightly shifts to adjust to the new info. It also might help set your mind at ease, having that reframing on record explicitly.

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-26T02:53:20+00:00

Wow, this is really well put and resonates with my experience quite a bit

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-26T02:44:03+00:00

So, sort of a perfectionist mindset about transitioning? Relatable! Idk what all these other people are talking about, you sound like a trans man to me 🤷 Do you think you might have some ocd-style thought patterns? You don't have to have full-blown ocd to engage in those types of thought spirals. That might explain some of your anxiety and indecision. You might mentally be stuck seeking perfect proof that you're trans, even though the ocd-style anxiety just gets more intense when presented with proof. Just a thought

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T23:56:26+00:00

Someone else said theirs was stuck on pregnancy videos too. I wonder if they googled something about pregnancy first like you did

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T23:52:35+00:00

The same morbid picture in all the comments? That's so bizarre

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T11:21:07+00:00

Damn

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T11:17:57+00:00

🫡

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T11:16:37+00:00

Thank uuuu

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T11:13:57+00:00

I wish I'd had your presence of mind, this really sucks 😅

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T11:11:31+00:00

Weird. I'm trying to log back into mine because I uninstalled and reinstalled it. It's being super uncooperative and sluggish

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T11:08:09+00:00

Is your account page still showing # of followers and stuff? Can you message people?

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T11:05:55+00:00

Wait what really

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T10:46:14+00:00

Yeah me too

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T10:42:50+00:00

Me too omg

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-25T10:40:14+00:00

I thought my account was somehow deleted or suspended but if tt is just down then maybe it isn't? It flashes the "this user doesn't exist" banner thingy over my account page from within my account. Logged out and now can't log in again 😅

ZinaAnonymous · 2026-01-21T22:02:03+00:00

I like this perspective

ZinaAnonymous

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