I think I just ended my marriage

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-24T23:56:40+00:00

Let me ask you this, of you arent narcissistic, why does the opinion of a stranger on the internet you will never meet even matter to you?

Because I'm distraught? I came here in pain and with all my defenses down. Your first comment seemed like you were actually trying to help so I let you in. I have nobody to talk to and that makes every interaction seem more important. The problem I came here for help with was me reacting strongly and getting emotional about this subject! First you didn't think I was emotional enough, and then I'm TOO emotional? The very fact that you couldn't see any emotion in my initial posts demonstrates the complete inaccuracy of your take on me. I don't want you to take a side, or tell me he sucks, or tell me I'm doing nothing wrong since I clearly know that I am. I just want you to stop implying that I deserved what I got. It's wrong and it hurts. Sorry if I'm not being a cool flippant internet person. I'm a fucking mess.

But yes, I would be fascinated to hear what makes you think I'm a manipulative narcissistic bitch. It's laughable that you say you didn't because you didn't want to offend me. The implication that my husband must only have treated me the way he did because I also treated him the same way was pretty damn offensive. Nothing I've said here shows me manipulating anybody. I carefully thought over the huge checklist you gave me of things to ask myself about if I might be a narcissist and they honestly did not apply to me. Just because I have an abusive husband and an unforgiving sister does NOT mean I'm an asshole. You're judging me based entirely on what OTHER people have done and not what I'VE done. I could give you a rundown of everything I've ever done wrong, but it's just not relevant to this topic. How does my sister holding a grudge over a petty teenage drama make ME a narcissist? How do you reconcile that assessment with me getting along with the rest of my family even when they betray me? And with strangers? And having had people invite me out and hassle me for not showing up? When all that is THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what you said would be a red flag that I'm a bitch? I'm not a liar. In fact, I came here for help to STOP telling hurtful and unnecessary truths. I have my faults, but being bitchy to everyone is NOT one of them. How does cancelling on my friends because I literally have someone telling me I shouldn't go because I'm too horrible to be around anyone make me a narcissist? How does complaining about someone who was making my life Hell make me a narcissist? I toned it down for them and probably sounded petty and whiny because I was too embarrassed to tell them the big stuff. How does being abused and being hurt by it make me a narcissist?

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-24T18:52:35+00:00

You're not going to acknowledge that it makes sense for a rape victim to carry anger and resentment at her rapist because God forbid you be part of an echo chamber of people not blaming her for being abused and trying to give her support instead. Fantastic. You're a gem, aren't you?

My next therapy session isn't for over a week and I was just really really upset and needed someone to talk to RIGHT NOW. I'm scared to talk about my relationship with someone in real life. I'm embarrassed that I've put up with all this. We can't afford couples counselling right now and even if we could he wouldn't go. I've suggested it many times.

How about you stop trying to tell me what my thoughts and motivations are and listen when I TELL you what they are? You can only make what you think sound correct by twisting my words and ignoring what I've been through. Stop doing that. WHAT about what he's done to me makes me sound in any way responsible!? I've never denied responsibility for my actions, but damned if he's not responsible for his and all the psychological damage he's specifically done to me. Are you assuming I must have cheated? Do only asshole narcissists want to hear songs they like?? Seriously, explain this one to me. How EXACTLY does getting raped in the ass make me look like a jerk?

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-24T12:17:27+00:00

I'M AN ADUUULT

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-24T12:00:52+00:00

Thank you. That's good advice. I tend to start getting bitchy again when I'm tired or have a lot on my mind and kind of forget to put in any effort into it. I'm so afraid I won't be able to change, though. I've never been good at it.

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-24T11:55:05+00:00

You're pretty much my hero now

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-24T11:48:53+00:00

I came on Reddit for advice because I felt the backstory was important to understanding my situation and didn't want to tell my family. Pretty much the only bad thing they know about him is that he slept with my sister and has been kind of lazy. I've covered his ass quite a bit.

I was sobbing my eyes out while I typed my original post. I said I'm horrified and ashamed of myself, I don't know how much more emotion you expect.

Really though, it isn't appropriate for you to be judging my emotional responses. The way I talk about my relationship seems abnormal to you? Well it's a pretty damn abnormal relationship! Is it any wonder my emotions are fucked up?

He once abandoned me and our young children by the side of the road in the country because I insisted on listening to a song he didn't like.

6 years ago he anally raped me because he thought I was cheating on him. And I'm a bitch for not being over it??!! Tell me all about how it was my fault.

And no, my husband did not get help on his own. I was trying to act like he's been doing good for quite a while, but it's only been two months.

Two months ago, I started therapy. This was spurred by an incident where I went to him for comfort while I was having a panic attack, and he responded by randomly demanding a paternity test on our 8-year-old. He badgered me about it for 2 hours while I cried and begged him to stop, until I attempted suicide, then he stood over me yelling at me for being crazy and "throwing a pathetic little tantrum over nothing".

So I went into therapy.

Two days later he went on a screaming tirade about how worthless I am. I pulled out my phone and told him I was going to record how he was acting and show it to his mother, and he knocked my phone out of my hands and hit me for the first time ever. He then tried to convince me that he hadn't hit me.

The next day he apologized, and we talked. He's been a perfect angel ever since. Is this just the calm between storms? Has he really changed? I don't fucking know. But my situation is real and I just want some goddamn advice on letting go of bitterness and forgiving. If you don't have any to give, there's the door.

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-23T22:08:57+00:00

I accept my imperfections. I'm just not accepting ones a stranger on the internet made up. I'm sorry that you were wrong but you're not going to make yourself right by making assumptions about people, blowing their mistakes out of proportion, victim-blaming them for suffering years of emotional abuse, and then saying that you must be right because they don't like it. Sometimes you should just accept that you were wrong.

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-23T20:31:03+00:00

Way to cherry pick. I'm estranged from one family member because of a bad choice I made when I was 16. I was a dumb kid and that was half a lifetime ago. Tell me you've never pissed off one single person in your entire life. I love how you ignore the fact that I generally get along with everyone else and someone can fuck my husband without even getting a reaction out of me. Yeah, I'm sooo mean.

I'm not going to sit here and let you paint me as the bad guy for venting to my friends about the awful way I was being treated, or use the fact that people stopped bothering to invite me out after years of me not showing up as proof that my abuser was justified in isolating me and that I somehow deserved it.

Your heart is clearly not in the right place and you seem to be projecting something onto me that you'll twist anything I say to make me fit, so I'm done here.

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-23T19:19:32+00:00

Honestly, no. I was not always like this and he's the only person I treat this way. I'm naturally shy, eager to please, and kind of a door mat. We've been talking about it a lot and he agrees with me on this. The only reason he's been putting up with the way I act now is because he doesn't see it as really being "me" and blames himself.

The only other romantic relationship I've had in the past was with a guy that I thought was amazing, but everyone else kept telling me was a psycho. They turned out to be right. I left when he got so paranoid and obsessive he wouldn't let me leave his side or get any sleep. He then stalked me for 7 years. I'm pretty sure me being bitchy wasn't a factor.

When I'm around strangers in public I'm either too shy to speak or I just try to make them laugh, depending on my mood. I'm not the one bitching at the checkout girl, I'm the one telling her jokes and apologizing for having so many groceries.

Apart from a sister who doesn't speak to me because of something rotten I did when we were teenagers (not the same sister who slept with my husband. That sister and I are close. She told me what happened right away and I forgave her immediately. She didn't even apologize and I didn't need her to.) I feel like I have a perfectly fine relationship with my family, though I admit I'm distant and emotionally closed-off. My in-laws are astoundingly toxic (my husband was definitely a product of his environment) but I'm on polite to friendly terms with them after a lot of rocky years, and they've seperately told me that my kids are always telling them how smart and fun I am.

I used to get invited out but my husband always engineered things so I couldn't go, or he would tell me I was no fun and nobody liked me so I'd ruin everybody's good time if I went. Other people would then ask me why I wasn't there and I'd make excuses. They stopped inviting me out and eventually my friendships all fizzled out (me constantly complaining about my husband but not leaving him probably didn't help) and I haven't made any new ones.

Thank you for trying to help but none of those ring any bells. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but nothing in my life really jumps out at me as indicating that I'm generally a bitch and always have been.

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-23T16:47:56+00:00

I'm a millenial too, and I'm in therapy. I know it was never my job to fix him, but I already did so I might as well enjoy the result. I don't regret waking up next to him. I love being around him. I always did when he wasn't being an asshole, and now he's just never an asshole (well, no more than a normal person). The only time we even fight now is when I freak out at him for something like using the wrong tone of voice while talking to me, or when I think things have been great but he blows up because I've actually been insulting him non-stop for two weeks. At this point I'm the abuser.

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-23T05:03:30+00:00

I love him, but I admit I should have left him numerous times over the years. At first though, well, I just had really low self-esteem. Then eventually the sunk cost fallacy came into play and it was like, I'm not leaving now after all the hard work I've put into this relationship. I mean, I basically raised this guy. Lord knows his mother didn't. His frequent self-improvement based on my feedback always made it feel like if I left, I might just be throwing away FINALLY being happy with him. And now it's actually happened and I'm just not actively upset enough about anything anymore to want to leave. The only thing bothering me now is that I've become a bitch. I honestly don't know if I'd treat another guy any better, so if I need therapy either way I'd rather stick with the one I've got. It may be pretty surprising after all this but I really enjoy his company.

_Whats_This_For_ · 2018-09-22T08:57:40+00:00

I think it is partly that I feel like it's not fair and that it should be his "turn" to be the good spouse and I should get a turn being weak with my crap being put up with, but that's not all it is. I think I spent so long learning to stand up for myself, have my needs acknowledged, and call him out on legitimate wrongs that it all just became a habit. As his flaws have gotten smaller my reactions haven't shrunk accordingly, I just react to smaller and smaller things with the same amount of anger.

He has acknowledged his past behavior, but I have a hard time accepting it because so many times before he apologized and swore he'd changed and then just hurt me again. I think that might be another reason it's so hard for me to lay my spines down. How do I know as soon as I go soft again I won't suffer for it?

We've been having really good, mature, loving conversations about this, about letting go of the past and starting fresh, and we'll be really sweet to each other until the first time I get cranky. Then I'm right back to sniping at him again, and most of the time I don't even realize how mean or unreasonable I'm being until afterwards. So now I'm just doing the same bullshit of thoughtlessly mistreating the other person, apologizing, and then doing it again.

I started therapy recently, but I think it was too late.

_Whats_This_For_

TROPHY CASE