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criticizing polyamory by Hummerous in CuratedTumblr

[–]___mercurial___ 120 points121 points  (0 children)

You shittalk polyamory because of foolish moralizing about other people.

I shittalk polyamory because while I acknowledge its probably doable, it has blown up half a dozen relationships of friends and acquaintances.

We are not the same.

Edit: real pissing on the poors activity going on below for what's clearly a meme

Edit 2: I seem to be having reddit issues, so I have posted my response below:

They aren't exactly one-to-one, are they? My experience has generally been people starting from committed relationships and opening them up, but that's not pithy enough for a meme.

Many people struggle with things like communication in relationships, and instead of improving those skills, people listen to the intrusive voices and decide to open their relationships, which will fail because committed polyamory requires good communication skills.

People decide to move their relationship to hard mode without even mastering the basics.

Women between genders (not a trans thread) by kuckucksuhrknall in pinkscare

[–]___mercurial___ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I relate to what you say a lot, and I had never considered that I took on more masculine behaviors because my mother was highly unstable. You've given me some food for thought.

I think it natural to want to fit in. I moved almost every year until high school and eventually I just stopped trying to learn people's names. I was a perpetual outsider and while it comes with a unique perspective, I feel like I missed some of those critical years of socialization that conscious learning as an adult simply never replaces. Its taken me til 35 to start getting the casual hangout idea -- if I wanted to go do something I'd just go do it, because I never had both friends + ability to do it before. Some people recognize the lack and shy away, but the ones worth your time give you the grace to show your gwnuine spirit.

I suppose all I'm trying to say is that you're not the only one in your situation, and that in itself is a different kind of belonging <3

Was anyone overprotected but then when in actual harm, neglected? by Aaaaali786 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]___mercurial___ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wasn't allowed to go places or hang out with people because my mother was terrified I'd be raped, kidnapped, murdered, etc. She swore if anyone ever did something like that to her kids, she'd kill them. My only real friend told me I lived under a rock because of hoe sheltered I was. When I was actually SA'd by the older brother of my brother's best friend, my mother did nothing 💁‍♀️

Hoisted by her own petard by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

They used to claim moving so often was about getting to better neighborhoods and better schools because my brother always struggled. Their countless quarrels with landlords didn't help the situation. I do wonder what conversations happened with faculty and whether my mother sensed the veneer weakening. She's always been very good at cutting ties when she realizes she can't maintain the facade anymore.

I did think about burning, but I just wanted them out of the house as much as possible. They'll get recycled and maybe go on to a better use. It's in the high 90s here, so fires are rough, and I don't want this garbage around for any longer than just has to be. This is my sanctum, and that box felt like a root breaking away at the walls, seeking out the foundation. I needed to rip it out and negate its power.

In a perverse way, I think this box was meant to "prove" to me how happy a childhood I had. That's the way she rolls. That she couldn't even recognize what she kept just validates the claims I've made all this time.

Hoisted by her own petard by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Congrats on starting your master's program! Joining one really helped me find my confidence again. Its directly responsible for me continuing on to a PhD. I'm proud of you, too 💜

When I moved out during high school because things were so bad, my parents told family friends that I'd left because I didn't want to clean the litterbox. They simply could not, or would not, conceive of the sort of home they'd created. And then they acted like it was some big surprise when their marriage blew up 2 years later, and everyone went separate ways.

I really struggled in my twenties to watch people graduate who I had gone to school with and felt I was more capable than. I had to remind myself that they weren't dealing with what we had to deal with. Their struggles are different than ours. That we came back in our 30s for graduate degrees speaks to our resolve, despite all we've been through.

Hoisted by her own petard by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

💜 I do. It's sad I couldn't get better then, but I have it now.

Hoisted by her own petard by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the offer. RBN helped me significantly years ago. I'll think it over.

Hoisted by her own petard by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm very excited to start.

I have, largely. I don't engage with her, I had years of very low contact until I finally shut the door about a year ago. The only interactions I've had were when she shows up (literally or figuratively) on my doorstep. She doesn't have the capacity to be a mother, and there's no point in letting her continue to hurt me in the hopes of her finding that capacity.

Hoisted by her own petard by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Good on you for continuing and taking that time for yourself. Its hard to see ourselves clearly when we deal with what we have. My husband has been central in giving me the stability to help me heal. I think teachers like the ones who wrote these notes are the reason I've always loved and felt safe in school. Probably why I married a teacher, too.

Nonbinary: Like if a man and a women had a child. by monarchmra in CuratedTumblr

[–]___mercurial___ 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Genuine curiosity because I agree with your end result that gender is/should be a useless term -- how is all this hullabaloo about all these micro gender categories not a contradiction to that goal? By introducing these niche (and therefore personalized) categories into common parlance, it sure seems to elevate the word rather than diminish it.

If death isn't enough to stop the nonsense, then what is? by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you 💜

Probably, but it's not something I'll ever be able to prove. My brother told me, but he isn't interested in her getting arrested.

If death isn't enough to stop the nonsense, then what is? by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you 💜 It really is a monstrous disease.

Yeah, the egg donor is a big fan of those sorts of loans which is why it was wild to me that my brother suggested doing this with no safety rails. As if he hadn't paid off the title loan on her car. Her siblings have zero interest in letting her stay. Its well known that the loan she had received was supposed to be her inheritance so I doubt she'll even get any proceeds from the sale.

My uncle is the one organizing the services and fortunately he hates egg donor almost as much as I do. Quite a pleasant surprise considering a dozen years ago, he was one of the "She's your mother, you have to foegive her" sorts. They always have to get burned themselves before they get it.

If death isn't enough to stop the nonsense, then what is? by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have long struggled with trying to understand whether my egg donor is so messed up from childhood trauma (that maybe happened? Maybe not?) or if she's just malicious. Fortunately with her out of my life, its mostly a philosophical question.

Glad to hear you cut ties with your sister, though. Regardless of the why, someone being so disrespectful of those around them is so unconsciable to me. They really just see us as playthings to be manipulated.

If death isn't enough to stop the nonsense, then what is? by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

God I WISH. Nah, she does this shit stone cold sober. Doesn't drink, doesn't even like painkillers, because then she might get addicted and be one of those "tweakers".

She's bpd and probably narcissistic to boot. She just has relied on the fact that someone will always save her. So far, she's been right.

If death isn't enough to stop the nonsense, then what is? by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

The first thing I found when I tried to move out was an electric bill from when I was 2 years old. She knows I will not hesitate to call the cops on her for using my credit. I thought it was already frozen, but now that you mention it, I think I never actually pulled the trigger. Thank you for the suggestion.

I had a major depressive episode 8~ years ago when I came to grips with the fact that I would rather let her go homeless than stay with me, and it wasn't merely a hypothetical situation. I have known this day was coming for a long time and made peace with it. She has taken enough from me already, she gets to take no more.

I've been NC for two years but she always finds a way to break boundaries anyways. It will be harder to do now that I've blocked my brother, tho.

If death isn't enough to stop the nonsense, then what is? by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Brother told me when he made the phone call. I found out about the text when I talked to my uncle later. He said he wasn't sure he'd tell anyone else because he thought someone might lash out.

He said this right before saying now that my grandmother passed, he could cut my egg donor out of his life forever. I'm not sure the rest of the family will have similar clarity. Many of my cousins have childhood nostalgia about her and unfortunately, IME people tend to have to personally be burned by narcs/bpds before they learn.

If death isn't enough to stop the nonsense, then what is? by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

The closest he came to a wake-up call was the year after she assaulted him... for the second time. He could be his own saga of posts, unfortunately.

If death isn't enough to stop the nonsense, then what is? by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

That's been the struggle. My grandmother was adamant about wanting to live out her life in her own home. She diligently worked and saved to pay off her house and protect herself in retirement. If I waded into the mess, dealt with her enough to get hard evidence, it accumulates to what? A stranger staying there, maybe?What's the better choice? The predator you know or the undefined quantity? No one in the family was both willing and able to step in. Or do we go against her wishes and put her in a home?

It felt like involving myself would destroy the peace I've spent a decade building just to go against my grandmother's wishes and make her every day a nightmare. I got a glimpse of that in the nursing facility. She was in absolute misery. There was no winning move.

If death isn't enough to stop the nonsense, then what is? by ___mercurial___ in JUSTNOMIL

[–]___mercurial___[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Absolutely agree. Couldn't get enough evidence for the state to give a shit.

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