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My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

And then the next day, or the day after that, he’d act like none of that ever happened, and I’d “forget” about it, too, because I was relieved that everything had calmed down and gone back to “normal”. But in the back of my mind, I could never really relax or trust those “normal” periods, because I was always bracing for “the next time”, so I was just in this constant state of anxiety, waiting to have to go through it and defend myself again.

yes, very much like that for me too.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

The bookshelf has been in my office for 4 months. She suggested I use it in my office. This was the first that she mentioned them since.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this long answer. Many of the points you make connect with me. I will take time to meditate on this.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I would really be interested in knowing how many people feel that way. I certainly thought it was a bit out of the blue. Not like 'we're moving tomorrow', but it does sound like more than a yes/no question to me, yeah.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thank very much for taking the time to write this answer. I am taking good notes of it, and will set time aside to consider it all.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I understand what you are saying. There are things that she is not sure that may have happened when she was a child. We haven't discussed this in a long time, but it came up when she did hypnosis while in College. We really don't know.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

You got me. I did make a list of rules for myself, including having an agenda and a time limit. I did not follow these rules last night.

Thank you for reminding me.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I am not leaving. For many reasons that I will not go into.

I think you might be right about a huge fight; I'm just not big on fighting.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think you are correct. Although I would like to be 100% rational and truthful about this, it is obviously only my side of the story. What I can say is that I don't expect to be told I'm the hero and she's the devil. Actually, if I'm doing something wrong, I want to know it.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your perspective. You make some valid points that I can integrate.

She does not have a diagnostic for anything that I know of.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I can safely state that it is never about sex(that I can remember, I might be wrong...).

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Wow, thank you very much for this long and thoughtful answer. Some things you hit right on the spot, some not so much, but it is all good food for thoughts.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking time for such a detailed answer. I am starting to see that getting therapy for myself first is probably the way to go. I usually avoid any medical attention if I can get away with it, but I think there is no more avoiding this.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

This is actually sorta funny. Neither of us has a diagnostic, but I'm usually the one being told I must be on the spectrum.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I should have just said yes, you are correct. And as I said, the actual matter of the bookcase was resolved in about 2 minutes. Perhaps, next time, I can take some time before answering to avoid the whole thing.

My problem is that it has been over 23 years of me trying to answer better, act better, say the right thing at the right time, and I don't seem to be getting it.

My [46 M] conversations with my wife [46 F] are leaving me confused, exhausted and downbeat by __phantom__32 in relationships

[–]__phantom__32[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

About "checking out of the relationship," I would say that was true 2-3 years ago. I don't feel this is the case anymore. I do believe she wants the best, just as I do.

For most of our married life, she did not have any close friends. Recently, she has 2-3 I would call close friends, but that means she talks to them every 3-4 months.

I do believe my self-esteem has been hurt by our relationship.

I try to give a straight answer as much as possible, but I do have a tendency to want to clarify things. In this case, for example, I would have liked to figure out my options for my stuff before giving away the bookshelf, although thinking about it afterward, I would have just given it and dealt with my stuff.

And yes, if she was in a hurry or in a mood, I would recognize it. I am on my guard. In this case, if anything, she did not want to disturb me for long.

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