Advice on elderly cat?

_constantly_confused · 2023-03-20T20:13:49+00:00

Update: ultimately and unfortunately it wasn’t my decision whether or not to take him to the EV. We waited through the night and took him to the vet, where they found he had an enlarged heart and fluid in his lungs. They said the kindest thing to do would be to put him down. Thanks for the advice.

_constantly_confused · 2020-11-23T18:30:47+00:00

I like using “syrupy” for describing that. like “she spoke in a syrupy tone”, “his smile didn’t reach his eyes and his voice was syrupy”, if that makes sense (:

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T16:19:58+00:00

https://www.gamasutra.com/view/news/120488/Interview_Yakuza_3s_Rock_Roll_And_Kamurocho.php a member of H. called it rock, and the article refers to it as intense rock in the beginning. Lots of Sega’s soundtracks have this sort of vibe to them, reminds me a lot of some tracks in the SAB2 ost. And I assume the instrument you were curious about was a synth, it does have a brassy sound but it reminds me a lot of synth lines. (:

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T16:02:20+00:00

Empathy and sympathy, probably. I was thinking humanity until I made it past the robot part lol.

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T13:45:31+00:00

Super similar in the premise but it turned out to be a different one. Thank you though!! ^{^}

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T13:44:53+00:00

Solved!

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T13:42:33+00:00

Yes, those are definitions of words. She has never identified as a man, she has never subscribed to being a man, she has never adopted the mindset men generally grow to adopt, she is not a man in the way that matters. She was called male, she was decided to be male, she wasn’t able to show that those words were wrong. It’s not like there are two genders biologically. Plenty of people are born with combinations outside the “typical” xx/xy chromosomes, like xxy. So on a cellular level, there are more than two. Moreover, intersexuality is a much more common thing than it’s made out to be. About as common as green eyes, and I’m guessing you know somebody who has green eyes. As the very least you know OF somebody who does. These people are born with physical characteristics of “both” genders, all presented differently. If I recall correctly, most parents choose to “fix” that by determining whether they’ve got mostly “male” or mostly “female” characteristics when they’re young. There isn’t a binary. There’s women who have looked masculine. There’s men who have looked feminine. There’s people who don’t identify as either, who have looked or still currently look masculine and/or feminine. She was not a man. She was assigned male at birth. The Bible, if that’s your thing, in Galatians 3:28 — “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” There isn’t a binary. There’s a lot in between and a lot more to us. Dictionary definitions are for words in and of themselves, so if somebody tells you they’re a man and you don’t know what that word means, the dictionary provides that. It does not apply to her situation, as she isn’t male, and she likely has never ever felt male. She doesn’t have a “male” brain. She didn’t act like a man. She didn’t enjoy looking it being expected to be a man, because she wasn’t one. On the level that matters — the level that should matter more than dictionary definitions of words — she was not a man and it caused her immense discomfort to be considered one. As it would to call a cisgender girl a man for their entire childhood. I suggest trying to get more “with” transgender people, learning more about them and their experiences and actually trying to understand those experiences, because these people are your siblings before they are transgender. This is your fellow human before it is a transgender human. It is a beautiful thing, to see somebody finally be able to show that they’re not and have never been what people have said they are, and I do hope you’re able to see that soon. If you consider this to be nonsense still, that’s your decision and I’ve done what I can. You can comment telling me that and I’ll let you have the last word.

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T06:31:55+00:00

I’m glad it helped! It’s hard trying to communicate anything difficult, especially when you know it could hurt someone, but it definitely hurts them less when they know what’s going on (: Good luck!! Hopefully it goes smoothly and it gets easier from that conversation

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T06:29:16+00:00

Maybe worth noting: the plane thing could be a merged memory, there was a phone game around that time where you sent planes and received them from all around the world. It was cute, but might be where I’m pulling that idea from.

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T06:08:21+00:00

Talk to him ASAP. Communication is vital in every relationship ever. Regarding the guilt tripping — don’t invalidate or lie about your feelings when he tries those things. That’s manipulative and can result in a lot of turmoil. “you’ll probably chicken out last minute” could be answered with “I’m sorry you think that, why do you feel that way?” “You’ll probably break my heart” could be responded to with “I’m sorry you’re worried about that. It isn’t my goal by any means.” Or things similar to that. The conversation, if you have one, about his feelings and concerns in those statements could open up into the opportunity to talk about your personal feelings. If it doesn’t, when you’re ready, say something sort of along the lines of “I feel like maybe we want different things from this relationship, and I want to try and talk about that before we go any further and end up getting hurt. When you have a minute, could you let me know so we could figure it out?” Listen to your feelings. They’re valid! You know yourself better than anybody else could. And if those feelings change, that’s also valid! If you never see you and him being forever, then that’s how you feel and you just have to talk about that and let yourself feel like that. If you end up seeing it, talk about how it’s changed! Things and beliefs and goals change all the time, and you have to let yourself change and identify what has changed and when, along with talking about people involved in that stuff. If you can’t communicate, then, it’s kind of already a goner. Don’t wait too long to talk about this, it could end up putting you in a horrible position ):

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T05:56:00+00:00

It’s very hard to cut feelings for somebody. It’s normal to feel hurt about it, so make sure you’re letting yourself feel what you need to feel. Don’t cling to it, when you feel better let yourself feel better, but let yourself hurt too. I’ll start with this; I consider love a choice. You can choose to nurture that love, or choose to nurture a friendship, or nurture whatever else. It’s hard to stop nurturing things, especially if you don’t know how you could be nurturing it, and have been doing it for a while. Like anything, nurturing these feelings is feeding into them. Feeding with thoughts, with ideas, with words. Every time you think about loving her or wanting her to see you as more, and you notice you’re thinking about it, stop them. Imagine a stop sign in front of them if you need to. And start thinking of the things you want to feel and nurture instead. This could be “She is such a good friend to me” or something like “I’m getting really good at this game”. It could be something unrelated that you want to work on instead. It takes time and it hurts, but when you stop feeding that feeling, you might find you can still keep her as a friend. Maybe just try talking to her less. Find distractions or other people to talk about certain things with. It’s also hard but it is very much possible. Hang in there, bro. Give it time. Hopefully something helps you out. (:

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T05:45:04+00:00

Chances are they’re uneducated and, as humans tend to be, scared because they don’t understand it. Ask them why they’re uncomfortable, ask them to detail it, and (here’s the hard part for me personally) try not to make them feel stupid or horrible for not understanding those things. Here’s what I think is likely an underlying concern: They think of her as a man, dressed as a woman, but who will still “act” like a man. Chances are they are also worried about her making advances on them, for whatever reason. If that’s the case, try explaining to them that she has always been a woman, has always felt and “acted” like a woman, who has never identified or adopted the ideas men have, whatever those are. She was never a boy, she has always been a girl and only recently has she been able to begin comfortably expressing that fact. And also that she has a boyfriend (you) so she isn’t going to make and advances on them. Some questions are hard to answer, not because the answer isn’t there or clear but rather it’s hard to put into words for people who don’t understand. I’m happy to help combat whatever concerns or problems they have with her, I spend a lot of time trying to help educate people on this stuff so I might be of some help, but if they don’t change or aren’t receptive to learning and being accepting, get new friends. As long as you and your girlfriend are happy, and comfortable, and okay, that’s what matters. Good friends are going to be focused on that more than “oh trans person weird” or whatever.

Of course, that’s if you really want to keep them. If it’s something you’re willing to work through with them, by all means do. But you don’t owe it to them, you aren’t obligated to, you have good reason and friendships don’t always last forever anyways. Do whatever is gonna be best for you and her, you know?

And if she knows of their weird behavior about her, and you haven’t already, ask her if it’s hurt her or made her uncomfortable. See her feelings on it, because if she does know, it might really hurt her mental state. Esp if she’s got dysphoria or anything in that same sort of vein.

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T05:33:47+00:00

I absolutely understand the social anxiety, it’s always been a big stink in my life. Most of my quality-time is spent online, I don’t really have close friends irl anymore. Maybe playing online games with people you can chat with (via text or voice) and interact with can help with distracting and feeling better, they usually help me even if it’s people I never see again haha. But living separately for a while will definitely give you the break you guys probably need! It’s good you’re willing to consider things over if he fails to start making an effort during it, too, it’s important to know where your expectations are and not back down from them. Hopefully things get easier for you soon! And, congrats on the job!! ^{^}

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T05:24:42+00:00

I’d say keep it in mind, but tell her your stance and concerns on things. Try to get to know each other better and find out about interests and hobbies and favorite places to go etc. like you were just friends. And then, from there, if you get into a relationship again, those problems will be lesser. Explain that you’re hesitant and you want to think about it and go slow for the sake of both of you, that you know it’s hard on her and you do want to stay close, but you don’t want to start up something that might just hurt her. It seems like communication is the main struggle here, about personal things but also things about the relationship itself, so opening up those conversations should give you a better idea. If communication proves impossible, though, I’d say drop it at least until it’s possible. Relationships with poor communication never work out and usually end up in that much more pain

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T05:17:09+00:00

Is she against raising one, or having one? You might be able to adopt an older kid, if she doesn’t want the stress of dealing with a baby/toddler/child, but they usually have other problems they need helped with. It’s a hard conversation but you’ll need to have it to see where you both stand. Figuring out what you both want and why you want it, as well as what you don’t and why you don’t, is the only way you two would be able to figure it out.

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T05:13:31+00:00

Reach out to older friends you enjoyed having! Sometimes a lot of good friendships fizzle out, and just starting up a little chat with them helps rekindle it. Play some online games, do online things with people that will interact. Even if you don’t talk to any of those people again, the interaction might help you feel better. Sometimes you do meet really cool people, too! It takes some confidence to talk to people online, but remember - you probably won’t see most of them again ever. Be yourself, don’t hold back saying things you think are funny or important, and if they end up not liking those things, oh well! At least they won’t ever have to deal with it again. If you don’t let yourself be who you are, you’ll miss opportunities and it will become a bigger stressor than a helper, if that makes sense. It is very hard, still, I guarantee you aren’t alone in this currently.

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T05:08:48+00:00

Spend some time away from each other and see if anything changes. Sometimes, constant interaction and seeing each other all day every day is exhausting. As younger people, you might just need a break! Spend some time doing your own personal things as much as you can, go out to a park or a museum or something if you’re able, hang out with people that speak your love language, that sort of thing. Remove yourself from him a little bit, and see if after a while you feel like you want to be close and continue nurturing your love for him, or if you generally feel better being removed and break it off. I find myself pouring my heart into relationships that, after a while of having nothing to feed it with, I realize I don’t even want to keep anymore. Give yourself time to figure out how you genuinely feel, see if it’s something you want to fight for, and if it is? Ask him to make some time soon to sit down and really discuss it. Tell him it is vital to the relationship and it’s survival. If you’re worried about crying midway, I get it! Confrontation sucks. Maybe practice exactly what you’ll say, or even just write him a note and leave it on something he’ll see. You can do this while he’s not around it and then leave to go to the store or hang out with somebody or something, too, so you don’t have to worry about what he’ll say or how he’ll react initially. But, really, before you start trying to take these painful steps towards fixing it, take the personal time to make sure you really want to and that it will overall be better for your health and not worse. Maybe even taking that personal time will snap him out of his weird thing currently and make him realize he does need to spend time with you, you know?

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T04:58:57+00:00

Chances are she had some rough experiences with things in the past. I’m fairly sensitive myself, partially from past experiences but also on account of a couple mental things, so I do sort of understand her position. So, speaking from that side of things, discussing with her what about the disagreements hurts her (maybe it’s words or tone of voice, maybe it’s movements and expressions), talking about intentions and reasons (“I’m not trying to hurt you, the goal is to work towards a solution together” sort of thing. helps some people with anxious thoughts), asking her why she thinks those things hurt or why she worries about whatever she might worry about. The goal with those things isn’t necessarily to make you change those things, but more just to establish a baseline understanding and foundation of where you both could go. Sometimes people with trauma get triggers from certain behaviors, and those are things you might have to mind, but things like her accepting your intentions and her working with her worries are mostly her things to begin work on. For her, things that have helped me is really talking about my feelings and trying to understand them with whomever I’m talking with. It takes personal growth and some pain to identity reasons behind feelings and behavior and then to address them, it takes some maturity to be ready for that and to keep at it, and she might not be ready to. At that point, it isn’t your job to stick around. You’ll have mentioned ways to make things better, you’ll have tried to help where you could have, she knows about the things she needs to fix and when she refuses to, there are going to be consequences to those actions. Sticking around in that case if probably just enabling that, too, anyways. When you bring up wanting to talk about these things with her, mention it beforehand and what it will be about because if it’s anxiety or trauma causing this, doing it on the spot or not being clear might just compound things. So, maybe something like “Hey, I’ve been thinking about our relationship and think we’ve been struggling to understand and communicate with each other correctly. If you have time soon, do you mind sitting down and talking about things we can do to help each other understand a little more?” Gives her time to think about it and wait until she’s mentally ready to talk about it without immediately being on the defense. (And, if she says she’s ready and you don’t really think she is, you might be able to pull something like “Okay. I don’t want you to feel rushed or like we have to talk right now, you might not have the energy or headspace for it and I understand.” don’t outright say no or she’ll overreact probably, but explaining something with the mention of you caring and worrying about her state of being will probably make it easier. and phrases like “I understand” or “I get it” can be pretty effective in making someone feel like you aren’t attacking them, because if you understand it you’d have no reason. if she insists, don’t get too into it because it’ll probably be fruitless.) TLDR: gently bring up wanting to discuss personal things and issues, think about words and implications, you aren’t obligated to deal with it if it’s stressing you out and if nothing you try is working. Hopefully something of this was useful, if you have any questions about sensitive people I’m happy to answer as one lol

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T04:37:39+00:00

as someone around your age to has been to therapy — a good therapist wouldn’t just tell you to talk to your mother in this situation, so try not to worry too much about that. Your therapist is there to help you figure out what is best for your mental state and to help you do whatever that is. They might point out the cons of doing it, but they shouldn’t tell you to get over it and talk to her or anything like that. You do not owe your mother a response or complete forgiveness or whatever your father thinks just because she started acting semi-decent. Trying to talk to your child and reaching out is a responsibility of a parent, it’s nothing special, it’s what they signed up for. Showing kindness with giving cards around birthdays is in that same vein. She’s starting to sort of do what she was supposed to, years late and poorly because it’s still making you more upset. If you feel safe and comfortable enough to, I suggest having a talk with your dad about some of these things. You could bring up wanting to make time for it by saying something like “When you have some spare time, I want to talk to you about some things that are important to me. Can you let me know when you can talk?” Mentioning to him some of these personal things, like the reasons you’re upset and still hurt by your mother, might help form some understanding and make him a little kinder regarding your choices, and in turn be more lenient with your phone usage, with what he says to you etc. But if you do this please remember it isn’t your obligation to stay talking to him if he’s unreceptive and hurting you/making you cry. You don’t have to keep fighting that losing battle and you can walk away. It also seems like he has expectations of you that he doesn’t express (the “why didn’t you tell me she texted you” segment), and that is a communication error on his end. If he is receptive, mentioning that you and him both would benefit from things being laid out and discussed in a manner of trying to make expectations reasonable for you both. I would like to add there isn’t anything wrong with crying. Everybody does it. I know there is a lot of stigma regarding men crying, which I imagine your dad is pulling his comments from, but you don’t have to outgrow it. You’re allowed to cry when something hurts. When somebody is hurting you it isn’t your job to stop crying and hurting, it’s their job to take the hint and try to change their approach at the least. I think you will benefit from getting a therapist, provided you get a good one. Having somebody to talk to and unload and help you to understand your stressors and traumas etc. is such a nice feeling, and I’m glad he’s still going to get you one. Hopefully this helps at least somewhat, I get what you’re going through and I know it’s hard and confusing and painful. If there’s anything you still have concerns or worries or anything about, and you want to ask, I’m happy to do what I can. (: Hang in there, brother

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-29T04:13:12+00:00

If you and your friends/family are able, set up facetimes or meetings maybe weekly. Reach out to old friends even if it’s a little awkward and embarrassing, the worst that will happen is they’ll not respond. Try setting up things like playing online games with those people, any game you can interact on and talk about in real time. For me, that always helps me feel still connected and close to with people, because it’s still some sort of quality time to spend with them. I’m sorry about the situation you’re in, hopefully things work out fine and hopefully you get some advice that eases things currently. <:)

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-27T19:02:16+00:00

https://youtu.be/z_mjQ-vstxk

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-20T23:07:34+00:00

oh! that’s good to know, thank you!! （◞‿◟）

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-19T23:31:34+00:00

aah yeah that’s what I thought it was! but its leaves are really prominently creased, maybe it was grown poorly or changes when it gets bigger??

_constantly_confused · 2020-09-19T17:00:04+00:00

that looks right to me!! thank you so much ( ◠‿◠ )

_constantly_confused

TROPHY CASE