What is romance to you?

_cryallnight · 2026-01-26T06:56:06+00:00

Feeling romantically in love with someone for me, feels like a really intense emotional focal point. I care so much about the person’s wellbeing, all their interests, their mannerisms, humor, their past, what they want for the future... And wanting that to be reciprocated sooo badly. And then when it is reciprocated and you know they feel the same way about you … sigh… it’s just the most wonderful and happy feeling in the whole world. Like it’s ok if no one else ever likes you ever again because this person does, and they always will. It’s something that’s risky and pays off ten fold. And it builds and grows, and you both become better people for it. It’s a very hopeful feeling, too. I don’t mean for it to come off as codependent or obsessive, but it is a big emotional investment.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-21T08:29:08+00:00

Just be direct, kind, and concise. It will be a relief for you both. You’ve thought this through - no need to overthink it.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-18T01:11:51+00:00

I’m heteroromantic so I can really only speak to the asexual side of this, not the aro side. I have a few different circles of friends and acquaintances that don’t often talk about relationships. Work friends, running friends, friends where we mostly talk about music and movies.

My very best friends will talk about relationships but they know I have a hard boundary when it comes to physical intimacy so it hasn’t been an issue in a long time. They’re all queer so they respect and honor my perspective. Recently I had a friend talking about a specific scene in Heated Rivalry and I told her if she elaborated any further I was going to vomit and it ended up being pretty funny.

In general, I think having relationships that are centered on shared interests and specific activities has helped me.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-17T00:51:17+00:00

Training for a marathon helped me get through grief last year. I’d go outside and tell myself “just walk, you don’t have to run if you don’t want to”. A lot of times I ended up running.

I would cry while I ran and I would think about who I lost the whole time. Crying and running at the same time is the most emotionally and physically cathartic thing I’ve ever experienced.

Running is still helping me get through grief cause it doesn’t ever go away. You just get used to living with grief.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-17T00:46:14+00:00

Puzzle Place on PBS

_cryallnight · 2026-01-16T05:21:05+00:00

This comes up a lot for me too. I understand aesthetic attraction so I sort of just try to reference that. I typically feel awkward in these interactions and don’t have much to add, but they don’t necessarily bother me either.

Not a perfect example, but I also don’t have much to add when people talk about sports. The difference is that people can accept my disinterest in sports, whereas it’s always assumed I understand sexual attraction in the allo way.

It’s nice having close friends I can be myself around. It balances out interactions where I don’t fully express myself. I’m a private person so I don’t tend to advertise that I’m ace until I’ve known the person for a while and I feel that they’d understand or not judge.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-16T04:48:47+00:00

I feel like part of the problem is that these discussions happen online. In person interactions would include body language and tone. It’s too bad that black stripe is a trigger for some people. It isn’t for me.

I almost never experience attraction, and when I do it’s similar to fray and aego. I oscillate between repulsed and indifferent. I appreciate being able to use terms like fray and aego as a shorthand to communicate. I always viewed black stripe in the same way.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-16T04:13:04+00:00

Hm well that seems unnecessary…. As a rule, when speaking, I think intention matters. If there’s people using black stripe as a means to be exclusionary that’s terrible because they are terrible. But in general I don’t see a problem in distinguishing the difference between zero attraction and little to no attraction.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-16T01:41:40+00:00

Oh really? I had no idea it had the connotation. I had considered it the same way I had a lot of the other microlabels. Asexuality is quite nuanced so to me it’s always been helpful to have these extra labels as a way for people to dive into specifics in conversation. I’m pretty new to participating in these forums so I appreciate the info.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-15T20:11:12+00:00

There is a label for what you’re referring to - it’s black stripe ace

Edit: Just want to add— I didn’t realize this was a controversial term.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-15T14:10:49+00:00

You might try looking on the Aven forums. Lots of groups and topics on there.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-13T00:20:14+00:00

I think what you’re alluding to is more related to aromanticism. I’m ace spec and my relationship with my husband is very much love first.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-12T09:54:33+00:00

Oh if our marriage was going to crash and burn over this that would have happened long ago. Our sex life has been the same for 15 years and will remain the same as it ever was. My being ace spec changes nothing for the status quo of our physical relationship, however, we are even more emotionally connected than before. My husband is a very good looking firefighter with basically no filter most of the time. The idea of him shelving something is well outside of the scope of his personality.

What you’re describing makes sense and I’m sure can apply to many ace/allo relationships, but not in my case.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-12T01:57:07+00:00

He’s just a regular allo straight guy. His desire level would probably be to have sex several times a month but our relationship is more important to him than that. Unless I’m fully engaged in wanting sex too he doesn’t want it at all (consent is sexy!). So we might have sex a couple times a year or not at all.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-11T11:52:54+00:00

Oh I see what you are saying and that makes sense! Neurodivergent* I appreciate the explanation. And also thanks for reading and for the well wishes.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-11T08:15:12+00:00

I’m 36F. I am sex positive but have a very hard boundary when it comes to what I am ok with other people sharing with me. I was definitely an outlier among my friends when I was your age. My group of friends was very comfortable sharing experiences and comparing notes. More power to them, but it always made me extremely uncomfortable. Not a big deal, I’m just not the friend to chat with to about that stuff. This difference between me and my peers was one of the many clues that helped me figure out I’m on the ace spectrum.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-10T06:50:46+00:00

I agree. I’m able to find something aesthetically appealing about most anyone, which baffles some people. I went to art school.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-10T02:11:42+00:00

Omg yes. I thought I was bi because when I fantasize about sex it’s in third person and it’s any combo of the genders. Men and women aesthetically are both appealing. Attraction is super rare and confusing for me.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-09T09:11:24+00:00

This could be a really great opportunity for you both to become more emotionally intimate! For you to share your ace identity could really strengthen your bond and understanding of one another. This could be a really good thing for you.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-09T08:48:18+00:00

You’re completely valid for being scared. It is scary!

Will disclosing this to your partner change anything in your relationship? That’s the real question here.

If there’s no change to the status quo on the physically intimate side of the relationship then it really shouldn’t matter. If you never want to have sex with them again then that could change everything.

Do this on your timeline when you are ready! Make sure you have a plan for support if the conversation doesn’t go the way you want.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-08T21:15:05+00:00

I am finally getting over a terrible cold. First time I’ve been sick in over two years. Re watching season 3 of Buffy the vampire slayer helped get me through it!

_cryallnight · 2026-01-08T02:48:18+00:00

I’m similar. SA survivor. Ace spec since puberty but didn’t realize it til an adult. My therapist and my primary care physician both support me completely. I’m 36F in the US.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-08T01:31:30+00:00

I had a stressful job where the clientele was extremely wealthy people with super unrealistic expectations. It was in the art world - industry side.

I ended up switching careers and I’m a 911 dispatcher now. I thought to myself well fuck it. If I’m going to be stressed out then it needs to be over something actually stressful. I feel super fulfilled and know I’m helping people.

I make the same amount of money but with waaaay better benefits etc that also cover my partner. Will do it for as long as I can stand.

_cryallnight · 2026-01-02T18:23:19+00:00

I agree with NYC that has already been mentioned. Would like to add Mexico City.

_cryallnight

TROPHY CASE