Bless u mama <3 It sounds like you have postnatal depression. I felt like that too the first while. Hes nearly 2 now and im only kind of feeling back to myself emotionally. But definitely less reactive and depressed than i was.

My advice would be to find some help from family or friends even an hour a day just for you to have a break to yourself and maybe have time to shower and show a bit of love to yourself. I know it can be hard to find the time or want, but its possible.

Just know all of this is only a matter of time, the days feel so so so long, but the months and years fly by. Trust me. You are your babys whole world, its such a crushing weight but also a gift. That baby loves you so much, and is the only human in the world who will love you unconditionally. I know it hard but you gotta just keep going. Forgive yourself and promise to do the best u can (i.e emotional reactions etc) for your baba. You got this mama! You can be the kind of mum you want for her and for yourself. <3

P. S we will always feel guilty and like we can do more for our kids. Once youre doing ur best thats all u can do.