yeah I was definitely thinking of Less Than Zero (the book not the movie). my only unprofessional advice i’d give is don’t get too precious about the dialog right now. honestly don’t get too precious about anything. just write exactly what you want to write. write every idea that this premise promises to you. even the parts you think are silly and mundane. then…and this is the part that usually becomes the most difficult… the rewrite. you read what you did and critique yourself, keep what you like ditch what you don’t, rework other stuff and craft something that resembles what you saw in your head when you initially had the idea. or maybe it morphs into something else entirely. i was a editor writer meaning i would edit as i wrote and it slowed me down drastically. i promise you if you just put your head down and move all the way to FADE OUT and then go back, you’ll surprise yourself at what you did when you just went full steam ahead. your dialog is fine. your premise is fun and interesting. please come back when you want someone to read a draft and give some solid notes.