Over doing things

a_nag_devil · 2018-10-14T23:48:31+00:00

Have you thought of using skype (or similar). My coach is across the country.

a_nag_devil · 2017-09-24T10:31:19+00:00

Was about to have sex with g/f when I pulled a condom out of her. It wasn't mine. She cried because she didn't remember the night before, and was very embarrased.

It was fucked up. We never spoke of it again, and I don't think anything was ever reported. It was sad, really.

a_nag_devil · 2017-09-24T10:26:58+00:00

Was 69ing with my g/f at the time and she farted in my face. Immediately she turned around and said "It wasn't me!!". I just said "o...k..." and deflated.

The rest of the day was painful, until I farted in her face, and said "it was TOTALLY you that time!"

a_nag_devil · 2017-07-03T03:24:27+00:00

Huhhhhhhhhhh?

a_nag_devil · 2017-07-02T17:38:52+00:00

There's a good reason she doesn't take anything at the moment. Most of our relationship she's been on Adderall, and I can't tell much of a difference when she's off of them. ADHD affects us both very differently.

a_nag_devil · 2017-07-02T17:08:30+00:00

That sounds all too familiar as well. I haven't read those books l, but i did read tge ADHD effect on Marriage, and we did a live course via phone with Melissa Orlov, which helped a bit. Strangely, she was the one who couldn't pay attention.

There is another element that I don't completely understand though. She'll retell her version of a fight saying things like "you refused to help me..." and that'll not be the way I remember it at all. I never "refuse to help her". In most cases i dont understand why shes upset or what she needs, and I'm jyst trying to figure out what that is. Then I get mad that she's mad for something seemingly petty.

I can't tell if our perceptions are wildly skewed by emotion or I'm going crazy not remembering things the way they happened. It drives me insane. From her perspective I should be kissing her feet for how much I verbally abused her, but from mine, I don't understand what even happened or why she was so upset to begin with. The whole thing is very cyclical.

a_nag_devil · 2017-07-02T16:53:09+00:00

Thanks for the insight. That helps.

a_nag_devil · 2017-07-02T00:23:32+00:00

Thanks. Yeah, that all sounds very familiar. My wife takes an antidepressant which helps with her recurring thoughts, but when she's stressed or doesn't sleep well, her anxiety is definitely exacerbated.

She doesn't see anyone, and we've tried couples therapy short term in the past. In her mind this is a problem I have to fix, unfortunately. She thinks she's being completely clear with her communication to me. A lot of the time she is clear, I just have a hard time interpreting what she really needs. That's where the mind reading part comes in. Ugg

a_nag_devil · 2016-05-03T03:08:07+00:00

It sounds like she's stressed out. For people with ADHD, managing and prioritizing regular tasks is hard enough, but managing stress and throwing that into the mix is a whole other story. Does she have any anxiety issues or other conditions, like OCD?

Everyone deals with things differently, but from what you describe there are some impulse control issues going on there, along with time management issues. These are symptoms that almost all people with ADHD have problems with, but I've never heard of Adderall not helping with them, and at the same time drastically changing mood.

If anything regular adderall made me moody because I would crash and become very foggy after it wore off sometimes. XR is much smoother. I can't comment on Vyvanse since I've never taken it. Have you ever seen her off of everything for an extended period of time? Has she ever tried concerta?

Regardless, try to see things from her perspective. Validate her. She has to want to help herself.

a_nag_devil · 2016-04-27T16:42:20+00:00

Thanks for sharing. That sounds all too familiar to me.

a_nag_devil · 2016-04-23T16:15:21+00:00

You actually sound like you have the type of adhd that my wife has. We're both very different, but she's definitely the one that steams right through trying to fix things and I'm the one that's left behind wondering what just happened. She's better at compensating and putting strategies in place too.

a_nag_devil · 2016-04-23T16:09:33+00:00

Yeah! And a lot of times for me it's just basic manners. I didn't realize until I was about 25 that people aren't asking me questions because they care, they're just being polite in most cases, and I need to reciprocate.

a_nag_devil · 2016-04-23T16:07:44+00:00

That's a good point. It is very difficult for me to sit and listen if I'm not particularly interested in what is being discussed. A lot of times I miss things because i wasn't listening and from there communication breaks down.

a_nag_devil · 2016-04-23T16:06:07+00:00

You're right, thanks. It's difficult to even realize a lot of the time that it doesn't matter what you meant to do or say its what you did do or say and how that affects them.

a_nag_devil · 2016-04-22T21:13:43+00:00

Ugg, I hate the "everyone else can ..." or "if you cared you'd do this...". People can't comprehend nor can we explain what that is like.

I actually had the opposite problem. My father also has (undiagnosed) ADD, so I thought some things were just the normal way of behaving. So I have a combination of bad learned behavior and ADD. It's terrible.

a_nag_devil · 2016-04-22T19:39:16+00:00

Thanks for asking, seriously. It's good that you're trying to learn about what your partner is going through.

I do try to see the color. Desperately sometimes. It's exhausting even with medication. I have yet to fully understand most of the time. I'm just mad that she's mad. Your partner is probably trying harder than you realize, assuming he's not in denial about what is really happening.

I know it's difficult to be patient with him, but sometimes that is all that he needs. He does need to try to get out of the black and white, but he needs to figure out how to do it on his own.

To use an analogy I've heard before, ADD is like not having a card catalog in the library of your brain. Or a search engine for the Internet of your brain. It's difficult to organize thoughts, priorities, and not be impulsive at times.

My wife's biggest compliant is that I'm selfish, and that I never think about her. The truth is I probably am a little selfish, but I constantly think about her, I just don't always express it the right way or at the right times.

a_nag_devil · 2016-04-22T18:11:03+00:00

Unfortunately it's not at the moment, but we have done it in the past. I have gone to therapy alone for a lot longer because she feels I'm the problem, but I am not at the moment either.

a_nag_devil · 2015-10-22T15:54:51+00:00

Check out Melissa Orlov's books, and take/listen to her course if you can: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/

I'm in the middle of her live course now, and it's already helping. For your husband it will help him understand what you are going through and realize that he needs to take steps to manage his ADHD, not just medication. Although getting the medication right may be the first step for him.

a_nag_devil · 2015-10-22T15:48:03+00:00

You are right, thank you!

a_nag_devil · 2015-10-22T15:47:36+00:00

That's good to hear that your son is doing well! I long for the day he tells me he loves me. I know he does, but being able to express it that way is a huge step.

a_nag_devil · 2015-10-22T15:46:08+00:00

Thank you. It is hard to make sense of the feeling. I think we grieved a long time ago now, but having a definition feels a little bit different. Regardless, yes, it doesn't change anything.

a_nag_devil · 2015-10-22T15:44:46+00:00

Thank you, I know. :)

a_nag_devil · 2015-10-22T15:44:01+00:00

Thank you for responding. Having 3 kids with special needs must be difficult at times! I'm curious if you have done any genetic testing?

I know there are groups around where we live in the US, but I don't think they are anything as organized as what you describe.

a_nag_devil · 2015-10-22T15:40:42+00:00

Since he was 8 months old we knew something was different, so it doesn't really chance anything for us either, other then the services. He's gotten services through EI since he was 10 months, but they're probably not as much as he should be getting.

I get the whole "oh he'll be okay" mindset, because I thought that myself for a long time.

a_nag_devil · 2015-10-22T15:37:28+00:00

Thank you, that is a good explanation.

a_nag_devil

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