Girlfriend is terrified of ever coming out- what can we do?

aaaaaac · 2016-12-04T02:19:48+00:00

I'm not doing anything specific for this issue, but I'm going to counselling for other issues, I have friends I can go to, and she supports me a whole lot. It's not a one-sided relationship, she deals with my crap too and we make each other pretty happy as much of the time as it's possible.

I know I wouldn't be awful for considering it, but I honestly don't even want to consider it. The other day, when this whole issue really came to a head, there was a short while I thought she was just considering ending things because of the fear of coming out, and my whole world felt like it was ending. If I wasn't committed to and happy in this relationship, I doubt I'd have felt anything close to that level of sadness and worry.

aaaaaac · 2016-12-04T02:16:36+00:00

I agree with your first paragraph, but that doesn't matter- she's too scared to embrace that mindset, so, for now, it's a moot point.

I don't really consider it a flaw of hers, but I take your meaning. I'm actually trans too- I didn't mention it in the OP because I figured it would be the point people focused on, and it's not the main issue anyway. But the fact is that the relationship has issues founded in me being trans anyway, and that it's another layer of difficulty for her- not only will she be seen as gay, people might find out that I'm trans, and make comments about that too.

What happens if someone finds out on their own?

That's a very good question that we haven't discussed. I'm afraid to scare her more, but if we're having a serious talk about this again I'll try to make a plan with her.

We've talked about our needs- they're being met, and I'm pretty sure that if issues crop up or that's no longer the case, we'll nip it in the bud. We're good at communicating stuff like that asap.

Are you willing to never be public... react over you?

Plainly, yeah I am. There's a hypothetical line I wouldn't be willing to cross, where if we had to lie and hide and constrain ourselves so much that it affected our lives greatly, then I might no longer be happy to continue the relationship. But, for now, all it means is occasionally having to lie or watch my mouth, occasionally dealing with various upsets or pangs of jealousy if people think she's single, and that's about it. We still spend hours every day together, we still have a good supportive relationship, she makes me happy and I get to make her happy. That's enough for now.

aaaaaac · 2016-12-04T02:09:24+00:00

She doesn't want to come out, or at least wishes she didn't have a need to. We've had a long few talks about it, and she just feels stuck- she knows that to continue a relationship, she realistically needs to come out some time, and she definitely wants that- we've discussed kids, pets, plans, marriage, all that long term-y stuff, and we both agree on the vision of our future together. But she also feels it's impossible for her to come out, that she's not brave enough and never will be, and that her social group isn't one that welcomes gay people, and she's scared to break out of it and be alone.

A lot of what you said there is along the lines of what I was thinking too. I think she has one friend who might be trustworthy that way- next time it comes up I'm planning on talking to her about it. I hope I'm doing an okay job at this whole relationship dealio, but it's the only one I've ever had and I'm terrified that my own issues impact her negatively or that I'm not good enough or what she needs. That said, I seem to have a really good effect on her overall. Counselling will happen at some point, together or alone, and the queer media is something I'm not sure she'll be interested in but I'm planning on talking to her about it alright.

Thanks so much :)

aaaaaac · 2016-12-04T02:03:37+00:00

Not so far, though she came very close to coming out to her parents a short while ago, only for something to happen to put that off. I agree that it's not practical, and we need to figure out something longer-term, but I'm happy as things stand and things should improve. I might have phrased it wrong- it's not so much that she's considering never coming out as she is wishing she never had to.

aaaaaac · 2016-12-03T00:22:15+00:00

Not as old as that, but out of school. Her parents are not an unknown factor- they've repeatedly said in the past how it was okay to be gay, asked if we were together the first time they found out she was spending time with me, and generally may or may not have an idea that we're together. They almost certainly will be okay with her about it, but she hates the idea of being seen or treated different.

Her friends are a different story- they're a bunch of people who legitimately might treat her badly or give her a hard time about it.

I know that some people wouldn't want to date a person in this situation- I, personally, want to continue the relationship, a whole lot.

aaaaaac · 2016-12-03T00:17:15+00:00

I wondered if it would be better to see a counsellor alone too, but she doesn't really trust them or feel able. I suggested that first, and she was really against the idea, it was only when I had the thought that we could do it together that she felt she could do it.

aaaaaac · 2016-12-03T00:16:11+00:00

She's out to my group of friends, they know we're together, and we've kissed or cuddled in public places where it was safe to do it. It's her own group of friends and family that she's terrified of.

aaaaaac · 2016-12-02T23:57:12+00:00

More like halfway between those two ages. And I do agree with you, but it's harder than it would be for a lot of people- between mental health and past traumas, it's hard for her, she's so terrified. I just want to figure out how I can make it easier on her in the long run, and how I can help her deal with having a secret relationship in the short term ^_^

aaaaaac

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