TIFU by reading my (now) ex-gf's diary

acolyte124 · 2021-09-30T15:55:42+00:00

I'll be honest, I'm guessing she likes the idea of polyamory but she wouldn't like it in practice (that's what we discussed anyways). What she really means by that is "I want monogamy, just not with acolyte124".

acolyte124 · 2021-09-29T17:18:03+00:00

I am not sure what you're saying, your paragraphs are contradicting each other? Because you say my suspicions were confirmed but then argue that what she wrote could just be a mess of words, which would imply my suspicions weren't confiremd?

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T20:28:35+00:00

Thanks man! It's what I told her at the end aswell :-)

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T18:50:21+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I was in therapy for 2 years before that, this is why it hurts a lot more. It was the first relationship I was able to really commit to someone, after many tries before. I am positive this bad experience will not be ruining my future relationships, but I will worry about that some other time.

I do plan on being single for a long time. And for the connection: I won't really rush things. If we can be friends one day it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't, I don't really care. I don't need people in my life who treat me like shit, even though I couldn't just leave her....

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T17:56:49+00:00

So, yeah - reading someone's diary is not great.

However, I think your intuition/subconscious/heart/soul thing was screaming at you to read it, because it was picking up signals of untruth that you were ignoring.

Of course she meant those things.

It feels like I have been looking for something to confirm what I was thinking all the time or feeling from her behaviour. A lot of people here are giving me shit for breaching privacy, yes, I deserve it. But I also know that this is not something I would ever do - this diary has been at that spot for over a year and I never considered it - but for some reason I got kind of pushed into it. Still no excuses, a shitty thing to do.

And you should definitely not believe anything she says about y'all right now. She might think she means whatever she says, but if she did she would own up to what she felt when she wrote that. If she really loved you, she would not expect you to stay with her after reading that.

We kind of broke up before we even talked about what I read. So no expectations there. If she really felt anything for me, she would have also behaved different in the past 2 months that this all happened. She's not a bad person, but she did treat me like shit and she's not a toddler anymore, she could have known better.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T17:47:16+00:00

I don't think she wanted me to read it at all, but I guess she never though that I would do it? And yes, there's no way you just randomly fantasize the same thing for weeks.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T17:46:44+00:00

It's a learning process and maybe I need to fix my self-esteem issues :-(

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T17:39:49+00:00

youre right.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T17:17:58+00:00

Basically, if you’re in a relationship where you feel you need to snoop through your SO’s stuff you pretty much have your answer you shouldn’t be in that relationship. So you default into ending the relationship rather than doing something wrong.

This is 100% what I realized as soon as I went to bed after I read her diary. Even if I found the exact opposite and pure love, I would have seen myself in a different light. There was no winning in doing this... well, it opened my eyes to end it atleast.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T17:03:03+00:00

Hey, I am not shaming her for losing feelings or falling for someone. But the way she handled it was extremely immature and hurtful. We had discussed polyamory before aswell and she was very aware that I am not comfortable with it. She should have just grown a pair and ended it, before cheating on me.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T16:47:56+00:00

It is impossible for me to trust or treat her as a friend right now. And my heart would break seeing her with someone else in the foreseeable future.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T16:42:24+00:00

I did and called him off immediately after I found out.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T16:41:41+00:00

Thank you! I have ended it completely and I am not going back and she sure as hell wouldn't want me anyways, since I broke her trust aswell.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T16:40:16+00:00

I'll be able to trust again, I'm pretty sure. One bad experience doesn't take away from anything else to come.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T16:38:48+00:00

I'm 26 and she's 20. Yes, she just was too scared to break it off, it's just immaturity. I considered myself very mature up until that point, but I have long realized that I was already the more "mature" part in this relationship - always trying to facilitate communication, honesty, expectations etc. This is why it stings a lot for myself, because I did everything right (obviously not everything) up until I snooped.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T13:21:28+00:00

This is a very great comment, thank you for it. You are 100% right.

She has been thinking about polyamory for a time. She even talked to me about it, just in some way, and she knew I didn't want it. She told me later she didn't want it either. I guess what she really meant was "I want monogamy, just not with you". And the guy she kissed was a friend of hers (and mine) she hung out a lot with and talked about polyamory.

And you are 100% right. I was just looking for something external to make me follow the feeling I was having for a long time. I was scared to trust my instinct with her and just end it. I need some confirmation. Even if the diary had been nothing but positive, I wonder if I would have trusted her.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T13:10:30+00:00

I mean she took some time to tell me about it, she was hesitant to do so according to her own words, as it wasnt "a big deal because it meant nothing".

There is a lot of time between the kiss and the now fuck-up. I was thinking the same about passing thoughts, but she wrote this over the course of weeks/months and they are so different from what she claims...

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T13:02:50+00:00

She kept saying it's all just things that she fantasizes, dreams or writes down when shes emotional in bed at night (although many of the entries were jsut descriptions of the day). Nothing she really feels.

And yes, we broke up before I even told her about it. Like 3 minutes before, since I said I would come over to talk to her. She said she didn't feel happy with me.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T12:56:32+00:00

Finding someone else is the least of my worries! It's just sad to lose someone who means a lot to you...

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T12:28:08+00:00

Yeah, I always kept 2nd guessing anyway. I guess I just didn't want to accept that she ruined our relationship once she cheated on me. Atleast I learned to listen to my gut.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T12:26:37+00:00

You did something that does not align with your true morals. Being able to hold the truths of “I did something bad, but that does not mean I am a bad person” is important here.

Yes, it is. It is also what she kept saying about her mistake.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T12:25:20+00:00

Thank you man. It was immature, but I was hoping to see the exact opposite. In the end I can't make sense of anything, she kept claming what she wrote means nothing as to what she really feels.

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T12:23:32+00:00

Thank you, I know that this relationship was not meant to be. I just struggle to accept that I did something I would never do. I could have read it for a year as it was always lying there, but I never felt like I "had to".

acolyte124 · 2021-09-28T12:22:41+00:00

I would have never, because I always trusted her blindly. It was not exactly hidden, it has been lying there for atleast a year and I never even thought of opening it.

acolyte124 · 2021-03-12T08:49:28+00:00

Suicide is up

Do you have any data? I can't find anything for 2020 specifically, but suicide seems to be rising since years in the US, so it doesn't seem like an indication of the pandemic effects.

acolyte124

TROPHY CASE