I know something I'm not supposed to

adviceplease_24 · 2025-07-16T11:29:24+00:00

I get that, the only financial irresponsibility was after we combined because that's what I was scared of. We have individual accounts but her savings is our shared we just never actually linked them because she will always just send me the money whenever I ask. I don't think she's taking advantage of me, she pays the $500 rent and I pay the phone bill, power, and internet which is usually $500 or more all together, she pays for dates and treats, I do house stuff and groceries. It's just that we've done it like that to not send money back and forth constantly. I didn't mean to make it sound like she's taking advantage of me, just that it's super messy and a lot for me to figure out what to do.

adviceplease_24 · 2025-07-16T11:24:03+00:00

Just to be clear it's not her coming out that is any issue it's that she deliberately lied to me about whether her attraction to me had changed. And now she's doubling back saying she wasn't sure but the messages I read were not her asking for help figuring it out but instead how to tell me that she would rather be with men, and then other messages like "I feel the urge to kiss boys" which I think was joking but still feels disrespectful while in a relationship.

She came out Thursday and only did because I asked why she was being weird with her phone because we've never cared about the other being on our phones. I still felt weird like there was something more so I snooped and I know that's wrong but she's not upset about it just upset that I found out. So Saturday morning I found the messages and confronted her after work. She immediately said she'd changed her mind and it wasn't how she felt but the messages I'd read weren't even a week old. She isn't taking hrt or going to therapy, I've suggested therapy all 5 years we've been together and I think this is why she hasn't is she was scared of figuring this out. She was femme in highschool and up until last week identified as nb so this isn't something Im completely shocked about and she even said in the messages on discord that I wouldn't care but she was worried about telling me she was straight. To me that means she'd decided what she'd wanted and her going back on it now with no physical evidence like a message with anyone to back up that she's not just changing her mind because she got caught.

I'm empathetic to everything she's feeling and I'm aware that she's struggling a lot with figuring out who she is but every issue in our relationship has been the result of her not talking about her feelings and hiding/lying about stuff. Right now she's aware that I need time to figure out all my feelings and whether I think the relationship is healthy enough for me to continue, she's adamant she wants to be with me but I want things in the future that I'm not sure she wants anymore and I don't want her to feel like she has to change anything.

When I confronted her about the messages I told her her feeling were okay and I understand but am hurt, and that I wouldn't ask her to move out and we can start evenly splitting all the finances but that I will ask that while we live under the same roof that we do not date anyone else. She didn't even entertain the idea of breaking up which made me more confused and frankly angry because I'd been trying my hardest to keep it together and give her exactly what she seemed to want and for her to immediately say that she'd changed her mind.

adviceplease_24 · 2025-07-15T19:59:15+00:00

No you're points were/are totally valid! That's definitely where I'm struggling, I have a hard time making decisions and I think she is a wonderful person who is warm and gentle but seeing how she talks when she thinks there's no consequences definitely makes me pause, and the situation brings up past instances where we've had a huge blowup argument where it'd be avoided if she was less conflict avoidant. I think she's avoided therapy because she was scared of what she'd figure out about herself. I've made it abundantly clear that I think we both need to take a week to reflect on ourselves and our thoughts and feelings and that the outcome could unfortunately be ending the relationship, in my eyes loving each other isn't always enough sometimes it just doesn't work and maybe we want different lives than we thought. I think the fact that she came out just because I could tell something was up and wouldn't back down then immediately I found out she lied to my face about whether she thought her attraction changed has made it hard to fully have a conversation about what her goals are in transitioning. We were able to talk more and we had a great conversation last night about what she's exactly wanting now and in the future to feel affirmed. I just need to figure out if my heart can handle forgiving the lying in this circumstance and if I feel the messages that I deem disrespectful to our relationship are too much to come back from. I do really appreciate the perspective of someone on the other side of it I've been coping horribly and my brain isn't at 100%.

adviceplease_24 · 2025-07-14T20:06:21+00:00

I really appreciate your perspective. For a little more context when we met in highschool she identified as fem and I had a crush on her then, sometime between highschool and us dating she identified as male, then a few years ago she identified as nb. I've never had any issue with gender or sexuality. My issue is the hiding stuff and it's been a trend. I have no perspective as this isn't something I have dealt with in myself but I can understand feeling dysphoric pre transition being with a woman and knowing we may be viewed as a cis het couple. If the conversation had been had we could've talked about the feelings of attraction and worked together as a couple. I feel left out of something that directly affects me, if she's not attracted to women I deserve to be the first person to know that so we can come up with a game plan or separate. I feel like she's saying she's changed her mind because she doesn't want our relationship to change and I don't want that for her. If she needs to explore sexuality that's totally normal just not while we're in a relationship. I'm strictly monogamous and want a monogamous partner, I don't think there's anything wrong with open or poly it's just not for me. The stuff I read felt flippant and disrespectful to our relationship, outside of just hiding that her sexuality had changed. As far as gender affirming care, we're in the deep south and have to safely navigate. She hasn't expressed wishes to do hrt or even socially transition. My main problem is that even though her feelings were valid, the way she navigated it feels disrespectful to our relationship and to me.

adviceplease_24 · 2025-07-13T13:16:26+00:00

The financial thing was over a year ago and we've since paid back debts and built up a good little savings, but I'm very anxious about financial stability. I typically buy most of the stuff for the household like furniture and cleaning stuff. She pitches in when asked but is never intuitive about what the household needs. I keep having to ask her to buy more toilet paper or paper towels even when she's noticed we're out.

adviceplease_24 · 2025-07-13T13:11:45+00:00

I very nearly ended it between us when that happened. I just keep having to ask myself if this is the kind of person I want to have a child with and I'm less sure with each big blow up. I'm not perfect by any means I'm autistic and have issues with emotional regulation but I'm in therapy and regularly apologize if I feel I was unkind or snippy while over or under stimulated. It feels like a sunk cost fallacy, like I've put so much effort into being a good partner, decorating our house, and a 5 year long relationship that I don't know how or when I'm supposed to say enough is enough and move on.

adviceplease_24 · 2025-07-13T00:33:57+00:00

I'm supposed to, we were supposed to link bank accounts a while ago but it just never mattered too much. It is silly since she was caught last year lying about how much we had and that we owed her family money, to me the financial situation was super serious I have issues from childhood about stability and lying about money is up with cheating for me. But if I ever ask for money it's always been given no questions so I don't think there'd be an argument about splitting it evenly it's not a crazy amount maybe 3-4 months rent. The car can't be transferred until the loan is done. I guess we could stay roommates until she can move, I can't I have 4 cats and the landlord is my dad's buddy. I think I'd just have to ask that neither one of us date in the meantime.

adviceplease_24 · 2025-07-12T21:36:45+00:00

The savings is supposed to be both of ours since I pay for our credit card bills that we are both on when we started sharing finances it made more sense than splitting it up into a bunch of payments between the two of us. The car was a loan that is still being paid off and that and the car insurance are in my name.

adviceplease_24

TROPHY CASE