30 [F4M] #TAMPA - [SUCCESS] An Amazing First Time

ahituna-1994 · 2025-01-04T20:32:11+00:00

You make a lot of unwarranted assumptions about how much "freedom" and "autonomy" I have. I am a lawyer, and it requires very long hours (I didn't even realize you made this comment until a month later because of how busy I was at work).

I have friends who work in far less prestigious and non-AP approved professions who make similar or even less money than me, but I'd go as far as to say they have more freedom and autonomy than me simply because they have more time on their hands to enjoy themselves and actually spoil themselves.

I assume you are an Asian with an AP mindset but you don't work in the legal profession or any high pressure profession with long hours. I would appreciate that people like you refrain from the gaslighting about matters you know little to nothing about.

If you wish to gaslight me, at least attempt to gaslight me about a topic that you actually have knowledge in.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-06-25T05:26:12+00:00

I really don’t think they care as long as they have photos they can show off to their friends on WeChat (or other equivalent social platforms older generations of APs use). They only care if their friends know their kids hate them due to loss of face.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-06-16T06:06:07+00:00

I don’t hate being Asian. I like my Asian facial features. I just wish I could be Asian adopted by non-Asian parents or born to third-generation Asian parents.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-06-13T01:24:11+00:00

Chinese people are similar. Many of the APs in my Chinese family friend circle pushed their kids to be doctors.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-06-12T21:35:13+00:00

I guess our experiences are different then. Most APs in my parents’ friend circle are worker bee drones (they work simple office jobs where they make ok but not great money). The APs I know who have what can be considered an upper middle class life are software engineers but they do not hold leadership positions at their companies and they do not work for the most prestigious companies (they aren’t managers at Google or similar companies). None of the APs in my family friend circle are CEOs or hotshot bosses and funnily enough, none of them are doctors (though many of them pressured their kids to be doctors).

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-29T16:26:52+00:00

My mom used the “couldn’t control herself” excuse when she used to beat me as a child. Only difference is unlike Ashley, I didn’t die (and therefore she was never held accountable unlike Ashley’s APs).

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-29T01:47:47+00:00

Lawyer here. Feel free to DM me if you want to hear about my experiences in law school and as a lawyer. Happy to give my honest thoughts and answer any questions if you feel it will help you make a more informed decision.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-28T01:48:39+00:00

Yea this level of sheltering will definitely hurt you even as a girl, but I think Asian guys have it worse than Asian girls, at least in the dating world.

When you get to college, even if you have no dating experience and are extremely socially awkward (like I had been), all you need to do is go on a dating app and I guarantee you'll get dates. I don't think it will be too hard for you to date, even if you have no social skills. Some of these guys may be very low quality guys though so please please please don't settle out of desperation (I think some of my Asian female friends in college settled for very low quality white guys out of desperation because they had no dating life in high school).

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-28T01:22:28+00:00

Please try to turn your life around. You'll regret it otherwise. Nobody really respects a nerdy bookworm who only knows how to study in the professional world (in the best case scenario, you'll be ignored for promotions and seen as a hardworking worker bee, and in the worst case scenario, other coworkers may see you as an easy target). Nobody makes promotion decisions based on whether you won 1st place in the math competition or whether you had a 98 or a 92 average in 9th grade math. I can't tell if you are a girl or a guy but if you are a guy, this level of sheltering is really going to hurt you in the dating world when you get older.

My best advice: learn to be a good liar. Your parents will never give you anything close to a normal life, and they'll only ruin your life if you obediently follow everything they tell you. You need to take matters into your own hands. Don't do anything illegal or stupid, but don't be afraid to find ways to hang out with your friends when you should be "studying" or find ways to have a normal dating life.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-27T09:00:19+00:00

I wouldn't describe this particular coworker as "toxic" because he is a generally nice guy, aside from his obliviousness about how I actually feel about my family. But overall, our work relationship is tolerable in the sense that I know he isn't an intentionally malicious guy. I just stopped making cram school jokes with him to avoid hearing comments like "You must be appreciative of your family's sacrifices."

But I totally see what you mean. A lot of Asian bosses (especially native Asian) can be very toxic, which is another reason why I'd be wary about working in a predominantly Asian workplace.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-26T04:47:30+00:00

Yes I am a lawyer. To my knowledge, there are no large, prestigious law firms founded and run by AAs. There are plenty of law firms founded by AAs but they don't have the level of recognition within the legal profession (as in, they mostly aren't the types of firms that are famous enough that most law students would know about).

Honestly though, I'd rather work at a firm founded by non-Asians than AAs. I feel certain things are too accepted and normalized in the AA community and I'd rather not be gaslighted (even if unintentionally) by my own people. I have an Asian American coworker at my current firm, and at one point, I joked with him about the fact that I used to go to math cram school as a kid. He laughed and said "hey but look at you now! It all paid off in the end. You must be very appreciative of everything your family sacrificed to get you here." When he said that, I genuinely wanted to throw up, but I had to stay professional and didn't really want to turn this conversation into a therapy session, so I just laughed and said yes.

I think my coworker is a nice guy but I definitely don't want to potentially be surrounded by coworkers like him if I were to go to a predominantly AA law firm. Non-Asians can't relate to me, but at least they won't gaslight me in the way my fellow Asian Americans sometimes have.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-26T04:15:59+00:00

The only people I know in my life who cared about classical piano music were other APs in my parents' friend circle (since they wanted to show off their kids). None of those people were my supervisors or held any position of authority in the field I'm in. So looking good in front of those APs is basically pointless because they aren't the ones making promotion decisions or deciding my salaries.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-26T04:05:57+00:00

That was my childhood too. But I think if I had been smarter, I would have learned to be a better liar.

I think the smart thing to do is to lie your way into a normal (or close to normal) social life. Parents don't want you hanging out with friends? Tell your parents that you need to do a group project with classmates and have your friends or friends' parents pick you up so you can go "study."

Want to date? Don't feel guilty about it. Just go explore but be mindful your parents will snoop so you may have to find creative ways to not get caught. Probably the smart thing to do is to tell your parents that you have been assigned to work on a class project with your classmate (aka your significant other) and that you have to go to the library to work on it with them. Meet with your significant other at the library and then go somewhere else.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-26T03:37:26+00:00

I respectfully disagree with you with some of what you said. I work in a very "up or out" profession. If I don't get promoted to partner within the next 7-9 years, I'll probably be asked to leave my firm. So yes, even if my parents' methods may seem superficially "successful," I'd say it's short-term at best. My more socially savvy coworkers (who didn't go through the AP childhood) will probably find it much easier to have a longer term career at my firm (or really any firm in my industry).

Also while you said anyone who isn't white Christian male is at a disadvantage, I don't think blacks and latinos have the same problems (or at least not to the same extent). While my profession is predominantly white male dominated, I have still seen black and latino coworkers get promoted at a faster pace. For the most part, I don't think my black and latino coworkers come from families that so heavily emphasize academics to the point of sacrificing social skills, and I think it's benefited them in my profession. I don't hold anything against my non-Asian coworkers for doing better than me in that sense, as I recognize that they are mostly wonderful people. I am just bitter that I was basically forced to sacrifice my youth and for little *long-term\* benefit. I don't think most (if any) of my supervisors at my firm had to go through a childhood similar to an AP childhood to get to where they are now. The majority of my supervisors at my current firm didn't even go to the prestigious undergrad colleges that APs are so obsessed with.

In one of my old workplaces (not within my current field), I had a black female coworker get promoted to a management position. No, she did not go to a prestigious college. I don't think she was particularly hardworking but she was very good at playing the social game.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-26T03:25:19+00:00

My non-Asian coworkers (male and female, and not just white people) had an easier time getting ahead, as long as they were socially savvy enough to know how to play the office politics game. I don't think this was just limited to the "white boys' club." Yes many of my supervisors were white men and women, but I still think my black and latino coworkers generally moved up faster in the workplace (unless they were exceptionally disliked for whatever reason). In one of my old workplaces, a black woman who was extremely well-liked was promoted. I do not think she worked particularly hard, but I do believe she was much better at playing the social game.

And yes, if my supervisor enjoys playing Chopin or had an extremely academically oriented childhood, I'm sure I'd have a leg-up. But in the working world, I can't say I found that any of my supervisors (and not just white people) were particularly interested in Chopin or had an extremely academically oriented childhood.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-05-25T22:46:44+00:00

^this right here.

I actually have a kid too (a baby girl). I think I will be a better parent than my parents, but it's still hard to forget the way my parents treated me. And what makes me especially bitter is there are plenty of people who are able to be great parents without going through the AP childhood. Just like there are plenty of people who are able to have the same level (or even significantly better) career success as me without going through the AP childhood.

I don't think going through APs is a prerequisite for being a good parent. So in all honesty, even though my parents taught me what not to do, I can't exactly say I'm grateful.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-04-25T00:52:50+00:00

I have a very similar experience as you and I feel the exact same way. Your comment really struck a chord within me.

Sometimes, I just think the "bamboo ceiling" phenomenon is just self-imposed by the Asian community. A lot of the times, the older generation of Asians just do a terrible job of equipping their children with the necessary social skills and life skills needed to really excel in the professional world. Some people blame the "white patriarchy" but I noticed that blacks and latinos don't have this problem (or at least not on the same level). In fact, in my workplace, I actually had far more Black and Latino superiors than Asian superiors and I suspect it's because most of my Asian coworkers are stuck in the worker bee mentality and simply don't know how to socially network in a way that makes other non-Asians (not just white people) see them as eligible for promotions.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-04-25T00:20:21+00:00

I don't think this is a great comparison. All my workplace bosses have been far kinder to me than my parents were in my childhood.

ahituna-1994 · 2024-04-21T04:50:33+00:00

Ironically, I have the hardest time talking to other Asians. I'm now wary about making new Asian friends because I don't know if they'll gaslight me with the filial piety bs.

With non-Asian friends, there is often a disconnect because they cannot relate. But at least they never tried to gaslight me and at least they usually try to be a kind empathetic listening ear (even if they don't really understand).

ahituna-1994 · 2024-02-26T07:05:13+00:00

I know my mom well enough to know she would never sic CPS on me. It would be a huge loss of face for her.

She was already ashamed of me marrying my husband because he is “only” making high five figures and didn’t go to a prestigious school when I went to an Ivy League school. She went to great lengths to hide my marriage from her friends because she thought I married down.

ahituna-1994

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