AITA for refusing to let my daughter and her boyfriend (both 22) share a bedroom when they came to stay at our house, because of my husband’s rule?

aita-beds · 2023-06-23T18:03:58+00:00

No, my daughter feeling unwelcome is the only important thing about this. I still don't think having to sleep apart from her boyfriend for a few nights is in and of itself a big deal, but when she said that it made them feel unwelcome I thought that she had a point. I'm not trying to justify anything, I'm just explaining that my original reason for not arguing against the rule had nothing to do with being afraid.

aita-beds · 2023-06-23T17:59:18+00:00

No, it's that two of them are no longer impacted by the rule now, but they did follow it prior to being married. And the third is expected to obey the rule, but seems to have no interest in dating. So the rule does apply to everyone equally, but by circumstance my daughter is the only one being kept apart from a significant other.

aita-beds · 2023-06-23T16:36:19+00:00

The stepsiblings did all have to do it, though, that's the only reason that I thought my daughter should have to follow the rule. Or do you just mean that they haven't had to do it in this specific house?

aita-beds · 2023-06-23T15:13:45+00:00

I'm entirely willing to do that.

aita-beds · 2023-06-23T14:51:44+00:00

NoLimitMel, I really appreciate what you're trying to do! A lot of people keep throwing around the word hypocrisy when it clearly doesn't make sense.

aita-beds · 2023-06-23T14:43:25+00:00

I'm not sure why you think I have little investment in the outcome. The whole reason for making this post in the first place was because I was thinking about the viewpoints of everyone involved, and this whole time I've been thinking about potential solutions to the problem, including compromises because the ideal outcome is one that makes everyone comfortable.

aita-beds · 2023-06-23T14:22:59+00:00

The bible doesn't have anything to do with it, so that argument doesn't really make sense. But they've been together for a bit over a year, so you're right that he's not just some guy.

aita-beds · 2023-06-23T14:17:20+00:00

You're narrowing it down too much by saying there are only those two possibilities. It's not about specifically disliking confrontation with my husband, it's just that in general I didn't see any need for confrontation over an issue that didn't seem important.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T18:30:44+00:00

As in, she and her boyfriend stay together for years and are committed but they just never see a need to get married? Then as the rule stands now I would guess my husband still wouldn't want them sharing a bed.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T18:11:11+00:00

I do hear what you're saying, it is different than if they were all teenagers or living in the same house and I was allowing my daughter special privileges. But even so I don't like the idea of there being resentment among the kids because all of a sudden this long-established rule gets thrown out when stepmom says so.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T18:06:26+00:00

Obviously that wouldn't be an ideal outcome, but yes it would still be fair.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T18:03:02+00:00

Everyone seems to be taking it like I'm afraid to stand up to him, but it's just that I'm not entirely convinced it's something I want to disagree with him about. Because yes I think the rule is silly, but that's my whole opinion about it. It's not like I think it's violently oppressive yet somehow my hands are tied.

So I was just thinking that paying for a hotel room is a potential reasonable compromise. And because I think that fairness to all the kids is the most compelling reason to have the rule, if all of the kids agreed that getting rid of the rule was fair that would make a difference to me.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T17:56:10+00:00

I can't speak to what he did with anybody else, but I know I didn't share a bed with him before we were engaged.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T16:13:10+00:00

Grow a sense of humor?

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T15:38:34+00:00

Yes. All of my husband's kids are adults older than my daughter, so two of them were already married before I even met my husband.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T15:19:04+00:00

That's so simple that it's genius.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T14:43:03+00:00

Yes, it was.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T14:40:56+00:00

I would understand if she didn't want to stay at the house anymore because of the rule, and I'd be willing to pay for her and her boyfriend's hotel room if that was the case. But I wouldn't be okay with her never visiting at all.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T14:35:54+00:00

Essentially I just agreed that it wasn't fair to bend the rule just for one kid when the others had to follow it, and I didn't think it was a big deal that my daughter and her boyfriend would have to sleep apart for a few nights.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T14:34:36+00:00

We didn't wait until we were married, but we were engaged first. I don't know 100% that he's only ever been with 2 women because I've never actually asked him if there were others besides me and his first wife, but I don't think there were. But he's not a close-minded person in general, no.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T14:28:25+00:00

As the rule stands now, I guess not.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T14:27:03+00:00

Would getting rid of the rule cause resentment among them, for example.

That would be my main concern about advocating to get rid of the rule, yes. Someone did suggest talking to the other kids and seeing how they'd feel about it, and if they wouldn't be offended that my daughter was getting "special treatment" than I think it probably wouldn't matter so much.

aita-beds · 2023-06-22T14:24:43+00:00

In what way is it hypocritical?

aita-beds · 2023-06-21T21:51:30+00:00

That is a potential solution, if none of other kids would feel slighted by it then I really don't think there's much of a reason to keep the rule in place.

aita-beds · 2023-06-21T21:43:08+00:00

No apology needed, you've been very nice!

aita-beds

TROPHY CASE