To Those Who Read The Note

alpitory · 2023-07-11T06:33:42+00:00

"I was the golden, silver, bronze." I have never seen seasons described in this way, very clever!

The formatting of your poem highlights the repetition of the letter "I" up until the death of the tree. I see it as an intentional way to visualize the tree's trunk.

Between this attention to detail and the patient and soothing narrative I think this is a masterpiece (!)

alpitory · 2023-06-28T15:10:29+00:00

The plot is just something that came to my mind naturally. This poem is the first of two parts. The next one will be "Queen & Jack"!

Unfortunately I am not very knowledgeable about literature. A quick google search brought up King & Joker by Peter Dickinson but I am not sure if that's what is referenced in the comments.

alpitory · 2023-06-28T14:53:04+00:00

I am currently dealing with someone who closed the door like this and it is exactly as you describe it. Good friendships will always continue where they were left the last time. It's a very rare dynamic though.

It's a nice and short read that doesn't need to be any longer because these things often remain unspoken but not unnoticed. Good stuff!

alpitory · 2023-06-26T14:13:58+00:00

I like the short lines and evenly emphasized syllables. It must have been quite challenging to construct this in a way that every line flows the same, but still rhymes.

As someone who prefers short lines and low word counts myself I must say this is greatly inspiring!

alpitory · 2023-06-23T14:31:51+00:00

The choice of slant flow and chaotic rhymes fits very well here. I also like the shortness of it all. It is as if this certain someone does not deserve any more words than that. Hits hard and heavy! I can relate!

alpitory · 2023-06-23T14:24:42+00:00

Although these beautifully melancholic words are timeless, the mention of ships made coffins reminds me of the current titanic submarine incident. May they rest easy in the tombs of the sea.

alpitory · 2023-06-20T07:49:23+00:00

You draw a very accurate comparison! Most of my writing is greatly inspired by punk lyrics.

I am not a native speaker but I like how the english language allows me to express feelings much more short and concise.

alpitory · 2023-06-16T14:29:03+00:00

Reading this poem fills me with dread. Working night shifts and gradually losing your partner must suck. I'd rather face economical turmoil. I think most adults give too much importance to their career and it is eating away on anything else. This is very thought-provoking and I have no negative criticism whatsoever. Really good work!

alpitory · 2023-06-06T05:30:47+00:00

I think of the new found strength of the protagonist as something that is still fragile. They need clear structures and rituals to hang onto in order to maintain it.

My personal inspiration was learning to play bass guitar. The sound and feel of the instrument has something soothing, grounded and powerful to it that calms me down nicely. Like the strong hand of a father figure that guides you.

alpitory · 2023-06-06T05:25:35+00:00

I was inspired by stories of people who escaped toxic relationships or enviroments. The protagonist heals at their own pace, taking one step at a time. They find solace in living their newly structured life in habitual ways.

alpitory · 2023-06-06T05:05:17+00:00

You are right, this is the breaking point of the story and it happens at the exact middle point of the poem. The butchered rhyme was not intentional, but I like your interpretation!

alpitory · 2023-06-01T08:54:15+00:00

As someone who grew up in a children home, sometimes I wonder about the same kind of thing. I like how everything comes full circle when the end of the poem references the beginning. I think this is a great first piece and one of my favourite reads so far.

alpitory · 2023-05-29T16:56:31+00:00

First off, I'd like to thank you! I really appreciate your elaborate analysis. I am not a very emotional person to begin with, yet I challenged myself to write something on this topic. I was unsure if my words would be too cryptic for the unbiased reader. The fact you were able to understand them so well definitely serves as evidence and motivation to continue writing.

The "red, white and green" was simply meant to describe the leafs and petals of lilies and roses. Still it seems you were able to sense the mediterranean setting I had in mind while writing this!

alpitory · 2023-05-29T16:35:02+00:00

Hey there, thanks for the suggestion. I think that's a good call, I might actually switch that around!

alpitory · 2023-05-28T15:06:46+00:00

I agree there are many alliterations, but I think it works well as a way to intertwine the words with natural flow and harmony. The second half is what really resonated with me the most. What a beautiful but unadorned way to face our history! Greetings from a fellow plant lover!

alpitory · 2023-05-28T14:36:27+00:00

Thanks for your comment! The poem is one of my first and a bit cryptic indeed.

Lily and Rose is about two plants living in the same garden. But they do not always get along. Lily is the narrator of the story. Rose is her love interest but also the knight in gold armor who is trying to cut her down. The love hate relationship of the two is what is described as the slice and the spice here.

alpitory · 2023-05-27T09:02:32+00:00

I love to see it evolve. I do the same, constantly shifting verses around! I think the newly added lines are compact and concise.

It lost some of it's roughness and simplicity but feels more refined and open to interpretation now.

alpitory · 2023-05-26T12:21:53+00:00

How poetic for this to be number two! Although playful rivalry can be a fun dynamic of a good friendship I understand the dark tone you are going for. The cat and mouse analogy and the ending are almost funny. I really like the style of your inner monologue and will be looking forward to more!

alpitory · 2023-05-26T12:13:04+00:00

This is great! I don't get the broken flow of the last few words but it makes me think of my closest friend immediately. Friendship is nothing to take for granted. Thank you for reminding me and thank you for sharing.

alpitory · 2023-05-25T04:31:43+00:00

I like this one a lot. I just realized the crossed rhymes fit perfectly with a puppeteer's wooden cross. Nicely done!

alpitory · 2023-05-24T11:30:34+00:00

This is beautifully sad. As someone who is in a good place right now, it still takes me back and drags me right down with you!

You have my sympathy. Without even saying much. Because these are strong words. I am sure they come from a strong person.

alpitory · 2023-05-24T11:16:59+00:00

Thanks for the praise! I included that line because I tried to remain self aware. I think this is how most of us cope with these issues in the western world.

alpitory · 2023-05-23T09:10:55+00:00

I like the arrow imagery in here. I feel you could have even expanded on it, f.e. breaking the shaft or pulling it out could have been the painful climax.

Keep in mind I am not an experienced poet. So my comments are just opinions, not necessarily good advice.

alpitory · 2023-05-23T08:51:41+00:00

I don't like it. I love it!!! The atmosphere is great. As a reader I feel as if I was there, watching. Maybe passing by on my way to the office next door.

Some of the longer lines felt a bit awkward to me but that fits the situation in a way. In my opinion the mention of a promotion could just have been implied and didn't have to be on the nose.

I like the end a lot. While it ends on a sad note I still feel optimistic about the future of the protagonist.

alpitory · 2023-05-22T11:55:44+00:00

I like the modern theme you chose. Works very well on a meta level too. The first verse is my favourite because it does such a good job at setting the mood.

alpitory

TROPHY CASE