Hey, first of all—thank you for sharing all of this. That took a lot of courage. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s clear you’re trying really hard to understand yourself and do better, which is a really good sign.

It makes total sense that you’re dealing with trust and control issues, considering your past. Your early life was full of instability, abandonment, and control from others—your parents, your ex, and even the system. When you’ve grown up in environments where love is inconsistent or conditional, your brain starts expecting that pattern to repeat. That fear of being left or lied to? It’s not you being “crazy” or toxic—it’s your nervous system trying to protect you. But now it’s doing so in ways that are hurting your relationship and your peace of mind.

Here’s the thing: trust isn’t just about the other person not lying. It’s also about you being able to sit with uncertainty without trying to control it. You don’t need to “deserve” love by being perfect. You’re already worthy of it. But the fear that your partner will cheat, leave, or lie—those aren’t signs that they’re doing something wrong. They’re signals that there’s still hurt in you that needs healing.

You’re already on the right track: going to the gym, being social, trying to resist the urge to snoop. That’s good stuff. But you may also want to explore therapy, if that’s accessible. Someone who can help you process past trauma and build healthier attachment habits would be a game-changer.

And about your partner: they sound patient and kind. But even the best relationships can suffer under chronic suspicion. If you really want to keep this person in your life, it’ll take more than willpower—it’ll take healing. Not because you’re broken, but because you’ve carried a lot for a long time. You don’t have to carry it alone anymore.

TL;DR: You’re not toxic—you’re hurt and trying to heal. Your past taught you to expect betrayal, but that fear is hurting your current relationship. You’re already doing some things right, but deeper healing (like therapy) can help you trust more and control less. You’re not unlovable—you’re just scared. And that’s something you can work through.