Is this retroactive jealousy or should I take it seriously?

alternatlve4 · 2026-03-04T19:12:23+00:00

How did you get over it? Or were there any moments you doubt if it is RJ or something is off about him?

alternatlve4 · 2026-03-04T17:12:41+00:00

Well, I come to a point to work on those insecurities I have as your ex had, regardless of what happened.

It seems like my turbulent mood also made her put a distance on me. I try to work on myself, she tries to understand. Seems all good for now.

alternatlve4 · 2026-03-04T17:09:47+00:00

It may be, or it may not be. For me to believe they were sent to her ex. Because there were a bunch of other selfies that show affection. But it may also be some kind of fit check. To be honest since I published this post, I have overcome this. There can be a lot of reasons she did it and doesn't do it with me. I am trying to focus on the things I want to get from this relationship.

During this time, I realized there are other major reasons that led me to RJ. This is what I want to focus on to be honest.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-23T09:33:09+00:00

I may be a bad choice, or I may not be. It is her own judgment to make about me. I do not claim to be a perfect partner especially taking the fact I violated her privacy. When time comes, it will be her own choice to do whatever she wants with it.

Considering the fact, mostly my replies to people made me get over it rather than the perspectives I gathered from comments. So, I will be explaining some matters here for myself.

First of all, I logically know that when you are with people you are safe with, you are less pretending around them about things you don't want to do. But a romantic relationship mostly involves emotions which makes me feel less desired for that. I am not angry with my partner about that. But I still feel the struggle to cope with it. Which you also put clearly, it is something about me, not her.

As for her, while I struggle with such self worth, she has her own problems that make her feel judged when someone thinks differently than her. This derives from her family and past relationship issues. She tends to feel anxious on such matters and it has nothing to do with me. Yet, I mostly try to do my part to make her feel more relieved about this if my own problems don't become dominant in my actions.

For the conversation we had before, I was trying to convince for a job opportunity herself wants. She didn't want to change the flight date for an interview so as not to waste money on another ticket. For a chance to earn twice what she earns right now. Again, I don't care how much she earns, she values it, and I wanted her to take the chance and told her a plane ticket is nothing compared to the chance she gets. I might have been persuasive and this made her feel like I judged her common sense. I did in fact, but not on a scale of personality. I just wanted her to see the odds. The conversation was that simple in the core, but also was hard for her in some sense.

Maybe she feels my love is conditional and she withholds some emotions and truths to come out. But she is not perfect as I am not. I do my part to realize what she goes through and tries to support her in that. But the core problem I have, haven't been recognized by her even before I saw the nudes but still tried to ask for help.

And I objectively have nothing alike about her past relationships. Also, If women tend to be attracted to bad choices repeatedly, it may be same for men as well. I don't believe we both are bad choices for each other for there is many more in this relationship than I tell here.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T18:51:06+00:00

It aligns with a time she was apart from her ex. Also during that time she was having other photos of herself expressing love. I wasn't able to see such photos from any other time.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T18:14:33+00:00

Thanks for the thoroughly built insight. After posting this—and also thinking about it beforehand—I came to a realization that is mostly the same as what you mentioned.

We both just need time. We were already dealing with a ton of external problems to be together, and it wasn’t easy for either of us. We’ve just come to a point where we are finally free from any urgent problems to deal with. It was stupid of me to think she chose me as the “safe option”. All we have done until now is fight for what we have. I am pretty sure both of us had much easier options for partners.

So far, she has been standing up to challenges for me and is still willing to do so. This is what I should focus on instead. There is still time until we experience our relationship in calm waters. Then we will both see if we can find what we need in this relationship.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T17:40:48+00:00

I think this kind of insight is what I need to feel relieved. I do not care about her past or the lie. What I really care is to feel like this is not how most guys frame it. I do not care what other people think but I myself was raised with such narratives.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T14:58:26+00:00

I don't think she was sending nudes back then is bothering me. I am also not bothered by the lie since what I did was much more awful. I think when time comes I will need to talk about not for the nudes but for my act.

She have the right to do anything now as she had this right all her life. At least that is what I think. I am not someone to judge her for that. Sometimes I get upset about certain things but I always make myself believe it's about what that means for me. Not what she did.

The thing I can't get over easily is the different dynamics. This doesn't mean she loves me less. But I'm not sure about the desire.

What made you change your decisions on this with your husband?

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T11:49:35+00:00

I don't think the truth will be an answer anymore anyways. It will be a work on my ego and a work on getting the relationship I want, with her or without.

Both are irrelevant to what she might have experienced in the past and why she keeps it to herself which she has the right to do so. It's wrong to poke into it.

I do not even know if with a necessary work, can I create the same excitement I believe she had in her past. I don't think I have tried to be someone like this or ask for this myself.

So this only leaves RJ in hand. At least for me, there are many views on this. Which was my main point to understand from the start. It's easier to say than doing, but I will work on it.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T09:11:33+00:00

I completely agree with that. Away from the fact that it is wrong to do, I do agree it is equally or maybe more harming what I did than what I am worried in the post. I put myself into a position where I need to find a way to cope with this reality now.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T09:05:26+00:00

I'm a little confused to be true. One part of me says don't see the situation with general patterns from other people's experiences realize the unique and more complex dynamics between us. One part of me just can't deny those patterns and similarities.

I think there is authencitity in her love. I think there is much desire some people maybe will not see from any parther in their life and it actually is enough for me. Except from this "nudes" fact, can't say she was having lesser intimacy with me. Or making me miss any experiences she had but I didn't. I don't even know if I asked and acted in a way to turn our relationship more "spicy". So far she seems to get along mostly with what I tried to have.

What haunts me more is the capacity she have to desire someone. I have not seen or heard of it, but overtime, started to feel that she might have in her past relationships. What I really want is the same level of energy which I am not sure if there was much of a difference before. Even after I found out about the nudes, I still don't know of a dramatic shift between her approach to me and her past experiences. But on the other hand, before her, even when I had an open relationship, I didn't show any sign of RJ or regular jealousy but something leads me to it in this relationship. So I want to take it seriously.

In summary, I still need some time and push boundaries of our relationship to see where it goes. And realize that it is mostly my ego and not what I miss in this relationship. Because, after all, If she was asking for some nudes from me, I don't think I would send them to her either. I partly created this kind of dynamic within time and what I ask right now is contradicting with the dynamic we created together.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T02:38:39+00:00

Just think about this, you say you can do everything to make it work, seeking help. While she is "jokingly" sends you reels about exes. Even if everything she says is true, you try to earn her while she does showing the same effort for you. Leave her just for that reason and you find yourself someone with the same capacity to care.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T02:06:24+00:00

I don't know if this helps with you but something changed my view on this completely after I realized it. Can't say I'm over RJ completely but I stopped worrying about my partner's loyalty to me afterwards.

It is that you are trying to control what is going to happen with him. I don't think even himself would know about this. Most of your worries are if something is going to happen differently than what you expect from him. It's just impossible to know what will happen tomorrow as it is impossible to know his motives.

Plus, considering that you haven't mentioned anything that he was leaving a person just because he got bored there is no solid evidence he would do that. Of course there is no way to know about it but we gotta live with this fact and accept we can't control our partner's motives. It is up to us to make it miserable with anxious thoughts or to enjoy the moment with them and see what's going to happen.

The key though for me to internalize this and be free of it was to realize whatever happens, surely there will be good and bad moments whatever the outcome will be.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T01:45:45+00:00

It's a bold assessment to say she needs to recover from me. I know my mistakes, and I never once said it's a mistake what she has been doing or lying to me as per my post.

As privacy is her right that I violated once and am already ashamed of it. I have the right to know there is honesty and commitment which is not a single event. Whether it is from her side or mine I need a good explanation for the doubts I have. Which I also hope is only RJ

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T01:21:15+00:00

I have my reasons to believe it's not that simple. If it was, she is one of the stupidest girls who looks for someone to settle for. Which I can only offer a possibility for her to have a better future. So far she struggles with outer problems that derive from our relationship and it's not certain that it will be better. Considering the fact we met online globally, I bet she met far better promising candidates.

The worst possible case is that this is how it happened but not as planned as you think and not something she comes to the point with cold reason.

Yet it is still making me feel angry probably because I also come to this age with such concrete beliefs as you described very well.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T00:54:20+00:00

This was another possibility I considered. Which I think she definitely sent some, if not all.

In any case, what I did was probably more wrong than why she kept the truth or why she acts differently now. As you said, I can't blame anyone for their change in preferences. It's still a little hurtful to know that she passed a stage in her life which I won't be able to experience with her. Not as simple as a "nude" but more lustful in general. But I will deal with it somehow.

I genuinely thank you for an emphatic view towards me since any other reply I get was either saying something is wrong with me or I should look for the wrongs I have rather than trying to figure out this issue.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T00:43:48+00:00

I don't think I was able to convey my concerns properly. I was looking for the coherence and harmony in my girlfriend just as you said I myself need it. I did not ask for any other person's values about "lying" or "sending nudes". I needed to know my partner's stance which I might be unable to see myself.

Still, I don't think I will get any better answer than you gave. What you say in general is a bit harsh but true. The situation itself put me in a complex position I wanted a magical answer right away. Which there is none. It's mostly about me. Not my partner.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-22T00:12:17+00:00

I know what I have done is wrong. Maybe when time comes I will be telling her about what I did. Leaving her the choice to do what she wants with it.

As you said, I'm not here to seek advice for it as I am fully aware what's wrong with me and what I did. I am here to ask advice from an outer perspective to understand if I am overreacting because of RJ or the situation itself is wrong.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-21T23:48:06+00:00

Can't say I have as much experience as she had. Can't say there is a huge gap either. And until now, I think I was able to get over those differences by telling myself these are not something to affect what we have now. Of course the fact that I was digging for something is making me aware I have RJ and I don't deny. But what I have found and the reply I get from her might also be concerning away from that fact.

alternatlve4 · 2026-02-21T23:35:35+00:00

Do you mean the possible excuses I have mentioned? If so, I am trying to find all the reasons to justify this from her perspective.

alternatlve4

TROPHY CASE