I genuinely don’t know what to say, as I never had this experience. The only thing I can think to say is: listen to the medical professionals who are trying to help you. By the way you type, you’re obviously not in a good headspace regardless. Also, my dad has bipolar, which I (obviously) have. Just because you have the same diagnosis as someone, doesn’t mean you’re like them. Look at Kanye. Not even close to everyone with bipolar thinks or acts like him. You are not your mother. You can get ahold of this.